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Eyes of Infinity (v1)

The stars danced before Rook’s inward eyes, tumbling and pulsating in an endless rhythm that could have been the heartbeat of reality. The throbbing tempest confused him, as it always did in the beginning. Then his mind adjusted to the fact that the stars were not moving. He, his consciousness, was moving amongst the stars. Rook's perspective shifted again, focusing first on one of those glowing orbs, then on a planet that circled it. He concentrated, forcing more clarity into the mental image.

At first the verdant world was awash in blinding light, far more intense than his breathtaking view of the galaxy had been. As he focused, shapes began to emerge, their outlines glowing in that same rhythmic pattern. Like a man recovering from snow blindness, he saw them...his parents. They were still alive. Incredibly, the Mark of Rhen had not yet discovered their refuge. His father looked well, albeit worried. There was ample cause for that, seeing as how their people were being hunted like animals throughout known space.
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There were a couple of minor hiccups. You say, "his mind adjusted to the fact that the stars were not moving." But it seems likely that you mean he adjusted to the apparent motion of the stars. And while it probably doesn't need to be stated that he focused on the star until he could make out the planet, you might not want to take the chance.

And there is a problem with "that same rhythmic pattern." At first I read it in isolation from the first line, where you mention the " endless rhythm that could have been the heartbeat of reality." It didn't make much sense on its own. Then I read it in proximity to the first line, and I didn't like the effect.

I think it is a good start -- though, like Survivor indicated, the pace/feel does become a little terse and hurried once the father comes into focus.

The stars danced before Rook’s inward eyes, [huh?] tumbling and pulsating in an endless rhythm [stars tumble? pulsate? in rhythm? I don't believe it, and I can't picture it] that could have been the heartbeat of reality [what would "heartbeat of reality" mean?]. The throbbing tempest confused him [me, too!], as it always did in the beginning. Then his mind adjusted to the fact that the stars were not moving. He, his consciousness, was moving amongst the stars. [NOW I get what the "inner eyes" comment meant.] Rook's perspective shifted again, focusing first on one of those glowing orbs, then on a planet that circled it. He concentrated, forcing more clarity into the mental image.

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Posted by Survivor:
There were a couple of minor hiccups. You say, "his mind adjusted to the fact that the stars were not moving." But it seems likely that you mean he adjusted to the apparent motion of the stars. And while it probably doesn't need to be stated that he focused on the star until he could make out the planet, you might not want to take the chance.

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True on both counts. I think I will clarify the second point a bit in the first rewrite, but not too much. I want to keep that opening paragraph as concise as possible, without sacrificing quality of description.

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And there is a problem with "that same rhythmic pattern." At first I read it in isolation from the first line, where you mention the " endless rhythm that could have been the heartbeat of reality." It didn't make much sense on its own. Then I read it in proximity to the first line, and I didn't like the effect.

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I kind of hesitated when I first typed "rhythmic pattern," noticing that it didn't mesh well with that earlier bit of description. Still, I left it in, wanting to see if anyone else found it...inappropriate. I'm glad the proof worked. Thanks for the comments, Survivor.

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Posted by Lanius:
So Rook can use mental powers to look at people living on different planets?

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Yep.

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Is this a machine-generated effect or self-generated? I found the start a bit confusing and you may want to flesh it out with a few detail drop-ins on how the vision/image is generated.

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Neither, actually. A bit of background information on this is worked into the story later on (I didn't want to crowd the intro with extremely detailed exposition). In a nutshell, Rook's ability has something to do with genetic engineering and biotechnology. You could say machines helped create the ability, but he himself generates the effect.

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The "inward eyes" threw me, too, since I couldn't quite picture them -- again, detail drop-ins would help.

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This bothered wbriggs as well, so I'll just explain. "Inward eyes" was just another way of saying 'mind's eye.' I thought it sounded less awkward (I could've said "inward eye, but leaving off the 's' would probably have been even more confusing). I didn't really expect this much trouble over the substitution...I think it's that pesky sci-fi reader literal interpretation thing, again (which I am also guilty of from time to time). You'd be surprised how few effective (direct) synonyms for 'mind's eye' there really are. Might be a good game to play in here.

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I think it is a good start -- though, like Survivor indicated, the pace/feel does become a little terse and hurried once the father comes into focus.

I'd be happy to look at it as you develop it.

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I agree. That last bit could be loosened up a bit. I wanted the pace to be a little terse, as you call it. Such a tone sets up the scenes to follow. I'd be happy to have you look at it once I've gotten a bit more down on paper. Thanks for the offer.

My thanks go out to all who've commented so far, and to those yet to post their opinions. I hope to have a v2 rewrite up within the next few days.

"The stars danced before Rook’s inward eyes, tumbling and pulsating in an endless rhythm that could have been the heartbeat of reality."
I was a bit confused by this line as well. I read somewhere that in a sci-fi story, people take things too literally very early on, because anything is possible at that point. Inward eyes, to me, was some kind of sunken or inverted eye mechanism. I didn't make the metaphysical connection at all. I assumed the guy was an alien with weird eye features, probably because you mentioned stars.

"The throbbing tempest confused him, as it always did in the beginning."
Why not, for the sake of brevity:
This throbbing tempest always confused him in the beginning.

"Then his mind adjusted to the fact that the stars were not moving. He, his consciousness, was moving amongst the stars."
These bug me, and I can't figure out why. I think it is because they are *very* closely related, and instead of a conjunction or semicolon, they are separated and the second part feels like a missing piece of information tacked on. The second sentence feels very "matter of fact", more to the reader than of Rook's own realization.

"He concentrated, forcing more clarity into the mental image."
I like this sentence very much. It shows the degree of effort needed to maintain the process.

"Like a man recovering from snow blindness. . ."
I think the simile fits, but it clashed with my assumption that he wasn't human and would probably have no concept of snow blindness.

"He saw them. . .his parents."
Probably a colon here instead of ellipses. Minor quibble.

"There was ample cause for that, seeing as how their people were being hunted like animals throughout known space."
This seems like in-your-face exposition. How does Rook feel about this hunting? It might seem more natural if you work it in based on that.
"Rook shared his father's worry. His parents did not deserve to be hunted like animals."
or something like that.

Some minor spatial details: Is he sitting? Are his eyes closed? I guess they aren't really relevant, but might add to the scene, since you already mentioned the degree of effort required.

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Eyes of Infinity (v2)

The stars danced before Rook’s inward eyes, tumbling and pulsating in an endless rhythm that might have been the heartbeat of reality. The throbbing tempest always confused him at first, until his mind could adapt to the illusion. His control returned with the realization that it was his consciousness moving amongst the stars, not the reverse. Rook's perspective shifted again, focusing first on one of the glowing orbs, then on a world that circled it. He concentrated, forcing more clarity into the mental image.

At first the planet was awash in blinding light, far more intense than his breathtaking view of the galaxy had been. As he focused, familiar shapes began to emerge, their outlines glowing briefly as his sight sharpened. Continents, then cities, resolved in his mind’s eye. Then, like a man recovering from snow blindness, he saw them. His parents were still alive. Incredibly, the Mark of Skotadi had not yet discovered their refuge. Rage banished relief as he thought of his people, a race now hunted like animals throughout the galaxy. The Mark had butchered entire worlds, slaughtering billions of innocents in their crusade against the Orasi.
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Rage banished relief as he thought of his people, a race now hunted like animals throughout the galaxy. The Mark had butchered entire worlds, slaughtering billions of innocents in their crusade against the Orasi.

Much of the imagery seems too generic, especially when juxtaposed to the more exotic imagery of the first paragraph. Rage banished relief just tells the reader how he feels, maybe use an expression or body language to convey his mood, something as simple as "His fist clenched when he thought of his people" or if you do not want to use his actual body, as he is mind-roving the galaxy, the image could lose clarity as his anger disrupts his concentration, or just the opposite, intense detail could be burned into his mind because of the focus brought on by his rage, similar to the physical effect (sorry to use this image again) of the impressions left after clenching an object in one's fist. The rest of the imagery, especially "hunted like animals" and "butchered entire worlds" are just flat and uninteresting, they get the job done but they are so plain compared to the elegance of the first paragraph.

Hope that helps.

If it is indeed typical for an Orasian to suddenly become enraged on encountering good news, I can see why there would be a concerted effort to make sure they didn't get it very often, particularly given their apparent abilities.

Perhaps some other, less violent emotion could overwhelm his relief. Certainly, consciousness of the grave danger that his parents must still face would be sufficient cause to temper any celebratory feeling.

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Posted by Kazander42:
The rest of the imagery, especially "hunted like animals" and "butchered entire worlds" are just flat and uninteresting, they get the job done but they are so plain compared to the elegance of the first paragraph.

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Good point. I think I'll either cut those two lines entirely and begin a new, more sophisticated paragraph, or heavily revise them. If the rest of v2 is an improvement over the original, I'll leave it as is.

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Posted by Survivor:
Hmmm...the concern about "hunted like animals" might be legit. But overall I think that it is "Rage banished relief" that jarred me loose. Not because it's a cliche, but because it seems so senseless.

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Senseless? Hmmm. I would agree on it being awkward, but not necessarily senseless. I know I would feel rage when thinking of my people being slaughtered mercilessly by an order of religious fanatics. Perhaps if I were to better describe his anger (or diminish rage to mere anger) the emotion would function as intended.

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You're right to be concerned about "Mark of Skotadi". "Skotadi" doesn't appear to be defined. Orasi works fine for me, though.

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Actually, the use of the word Skotadi is one thing I'm not worried about. It is actually the english translation of the greek word for darkness. Similarly, Orasi is the greek>english word for 'sight.' Skotadi will be explained later in this story as a religious order bent on wiping out the Orasi, since they worship a blind god and darkness in general. The Brothers of the Mark utilize advanced aural technology to navigate their surroundings, having put out their eyes as a show of devotion (and no, they are not as vulnerable to sonic weaponry as one might think...I said advanced aural tech, didn't I? ). I guess that's enough background information for one post. I'll see what I can do about those last two annoying sentences. Thanks for the comments, guys.