posted
I've put up the last 13, just for comments about these. After all the weapons threads in Open Discussions, I've decided to opt for poison. But is the terminology, dart gun, a little hokey? Is there better terms I can use? This is the first and last time we see it. ----------------------------------------------- Abillus removed the dart gun from his jacket. “As improper as having an affair with my sister?”
“I have done no such thing.”
“Why did you wait until she conceived to whisk her back to Earth?” Abillus asked. Of course, he knew the answer. To conceive a child upon a halfplane would bring the penalty of Avalon, the timeless abyss, upon both. “You seduced her. Got her pregnant. Lured her to Earth. Killed her. And thought you got away with it.”
Senus spread his hands. This was the moment of horrified acceptance. “You wish me to face a Tribunal—”
Abillus pulled the trigger. Even at close range, he was not a good shot. The dart pierced the man’s thigh, not the area where Abillus had intended, but the poison did its trick. “And miss seeing your face as you die?” ----------------------------------------------- FYI (for any who care): In case any actaully rememember previous versions, the plot of the killing has changed. I already had a grandfather/grandson, mother/son, aunt/nephew, theme going on with the protagonist, and I did not want to have a parallel family relationship which would be a bit hokey.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited April 18, 2005).]
posted
I wouldn't have even noticed the word if you hadn't called attention to it. But then, I just finished reading The Cassandra Complex where the only legal guns are non-lethal dart guns. I figure if a published novel can use it, so can you.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 18, 2005).]
posted
First time I've seen this story, so maybe my input will be useful.
There seems to be a continuity problem between "removed the dart gun from his jacket" and "pulled the trigger". It's awkward to me. I'd have him point the gun at the guy either just before the "Killed her" line or just before Senus spreads his hands. This could add some tension and underscore the importance of the dialogue.
Also, what kinda setting are these guys in? And how close are they to eachother?
I personally think it's kinda hokey to say "dart gun". It demeans the importance of the weapon. The main guy probably isn't thinking of it in terms of his dart gun, just his gun. It might also bring more suspense to have the guy get shot, and then just describe that it was in fact a dart that pierced his leg.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
