posted
Giving this a try. I am interested to see how *new* people perceive the opening of my novel. What I am focusing on here is the relationship betwen these two characters, since very shortly into the story they become estranged. All thoughts welcome.
Eleven-year-old Kaled wrapped his fingers around the hilt of his sword and felt for its balance, as the captain had instructed him. He let it lie in his loose grip for a moment before raising it and thrusting it at his imaginary opponent. The blade once again listed to the right. Rays of bright afternoon sun glinted on the polished blade as it turned in his hand. The young prince grunted his impatience at his repeated mistake.
“We’ll try again, son.” Robert Elderson’s thick, rough hand closed over Kaled’s and guided his fingers around the hilt, his strong arm braced around the boy’s shoulders. Kaled leaned into the broad chest of his godfather. The captain’s beard pressed to his cheek as the officer showed him one more time how to raise and thrust the blade in a close encounter with an enemy. Kaled concentrated on his instruction and followed the captain’s guiding movements, trusting the officer would teach him faithfully. Kaled trusted Captain Elderson in all things. Robert praised the prince when the maneuver was accomplished to his satisfaction. The young prince possessed surpassing skill for an eleven-year-old, and his godfather was prompt to mention it when the boy became exasperated with his repeated mistakes.
“But will I ever be as good as you are?” Kaled asked impatiently
[This message has been edited by Salimasis (edited April 19, 2005).]
posted
If this is from Kaled's POV, you've got a few problems.
For example, "eleven-year-old" and the sentence where you tell us that he's extraordinary killed; there are a few other examples like that, of things that just aren't from Kaled's POV.
Most of the bits that are POV lapses are also expository and are things that could be shown more effectively than told - for example, it is vastly more interesting if you can find a way to *show* me that he is very skilled and his godfather respects him, than to tell me.
My overall impression is that there is far too much exposition rather than the character development you are aiming for. Twice, you tell us that Kalen is 11, for instance.
A second thing to consider is sticking with one name for each character. Don't overload us with all of them. Robert has several -- godfather, Captain, Robert Elderson, and plain ol' Robert. Kaled has a few, too. Find other ways to gracefully include this information.
A third thing is that there isn't a clear POV established. It's not an omniscient narrator (and if it is, that should be clear from the first sentence), so that leaves us with 3rd Person Limited, probably. Pick a character and show us everything through his eyes.
I'll leave the rest to the other wolves.
Oh, and by the way, you're the new one... not us.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited April 19, 2005).]
posted
As an add-on to HSO (should he not be offended by my presumption ) :
If you pick Kaled for your POV character, try to figure out what a child would notice and think over the course of your scene. Try to find a young voice. At least until he gets a little older (the story comes more to a head when he's older, right? Or am I drawing the wrong conclusion?)
As you have it here, it feels like the story is being told from the perspective of an older person, artificially attributed to an eleven-year-old.
Yeah, and cut the "eleven-year-old" in "Eleven-year-old Kaled" in that first paragraph. You say it more gracefully later.
posted
"Eleven-year-old Kaled" I'd ditch this. His precise age isn't really relevant so soon.
"Rays of bright afternoon sun glinted on the polished blade as it turned in his hand." I like the strong, visual image here. Good work.
"The young prince grunted his patience. . ." I'd use Kaled's name here. We aren't sure if the young prince may be someone else. Most people will assume that the young prince is in fact Kaled, but not all.
How does Robert feel about his godson's mistakes? This might help to characterize a bit.
I agree with the others that you may want to stick to one name for Robert. The confusion you gain from Robert/the officer/Captain isn't worth the freedom from repetition. Is the man's rank important to Robert at this moment, or just the swordplay? If so, you may want to try to work it into Kaled's dialogue: "Will I ever be as good a captain as you are?", for example
There is a bit of repetition: both in the boy's age, and in "his repeated mistake(s)", as well as his trust for the Captain. Why does he trust Robert so much?
If this is from Kaled's POV, he probably isn't thinking of his "surpassing skill" directly, so I think there are a few jumps out of his head for the sake of exposition.
Overall I think this is a strong scene that conveys a good mental picture, and I would read more.
posted
Wow, great critique! Thanks, all. Yes, I am new to this site, but you all are new to me. I have been troubled about the opening of this book. It just didn't seem right, though it's been well accepted.
Robert's titles are quite important to the story line, which is why I established them in the opening of the story. He is the commanding officer of the king's armies, personal friend and advisor to Kaled's father (the king), and Kaled's godfather. All three roles are integral to Kaled's needs as king.
I will see what I can do with your suggestions. Again, thanks.
posted
I *liked* having 11-y-o in the first line. (If you didn't have it, I would have assumed a 16- or 18-y-o and then had to revise my assumption later.) I'm reminded of OSC's rule, I think it is, that in the first couple of lines or so you get a pass -- you can give us relevant info before diving into the POV.
I think the solution to the multiple-title issue is solved below, in my COMMENTS and [deletions]. Bottom line: pick a title for Robert and stay with it. You can interject the other info as it's relevant, but replacing "Robert" with "the captain" and "Elderidge" and "godfather" makes me think we've got 4 different men around.
--
Eleven-year-old Kaled wrapped his fingers around the hilt of his sword and felt for its balance, as [the captain][WHAT DOES KALED THINK OF ROBERT AS? UNCLE ROBERT? CAPTAIN ROBERT? WHATEVER IT IS, SINCE THIS IS KALED'S POV, USE THAT. FOR NOW I'LL ASSUME IT'S "THE CAPTAIN" ALTHOUGH I THINK THAT WOULD BE ODD] had instructed him. He let it lie in his loose grip for a moment before raising it and thrusting it at his imaginary opponent. The blade once again listed to the right. [Rays of bright afternoon sun glinted on the polished blade as it turned in his hand.][UNLIKELY HE'D BE THINKING ABOUT THE AFTERNOON SUN -- HE'LL BE THINKING ABOUT DOING IT RIGHT.] The young prince grunted his impatience at his repeated mistake.
“We’ll try again, son.” CAPTAIN Robert Elderson -- KALED'S GODFATHER [IF WE REALLY NEED TO KNOW THIS RIGHT NOW] -- CLOSED HIS thick, rough hand [closed] over Kaled’s and guided his fingers around the hilt, his strong arm braced around the boy’s shoulders. Kaled leaned into the CAPTAIN'S broad chest [of his godfather]. [WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?] The captain’s beard pressed to his cheek as the [officer]CAPTAIN [IF HE'S A CAPTAIN, HE'S AN OFFICER] showed him one more time how to raise and thrust the blade in a close encounter with an enemy. Kaled concentrated on his instruction and followed the captain’s guiding movements, trusting the officer would teach him faithfully. Kaled trusted THE CAPTAIN [Captain Elderson] in all things. THE CAPTAIN [Robert] praised the prince when the maneuver was accomplished to his satisfaction. The young prince possessed surpassing skill for an eleven-year-old, and [his godfather] THE CAPTAIN was prompt to mention it when the boy became exasperated with his repeated mistakes. [THOSE LAST 4 SENTENCES ARE SUMMARY -- I'D SAY DROP 'EM. WE CAN GET THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN BOY AND CAPTAIN BY SEEING THEM INTERACT.]
“But will I ever be as good as you are?” Kaled asked impatiently. [SOUNDS KIND OF WHINY, WHICH PROBABLY ISN'T YOUR INTENT. A REAL GO-GETTER BOY WOULD HAVE SOME BRAVADO.]
Huh? The context seems to imply some rather contradictory things. First, that this is a sword. Second, that it is of reasonable quality. Third, something about Kaled's inability to sense its balance is causing it to list when he attempts a thrust.
What's going on here?
The second paragraph has some strange things going on with the POV, as has been mentioned. And you have that "dozen names for the same character" thing going on. You can only do this if the reader will be able to identify each term as a reference to the established character on its first occurance. Here we have Robert Elderson, then Keldon's godfather, then the captain (with a beard), and only then do you reveal that Elderson is a Captain, presumably the captain referred to above and possibly the godfather as well.
And then you shift POV without the slightest notice.
Yeah, we can figure out what you meant, because we're writers, but that doesn't mean that's what you wrote.
As for the first paragraph, all my skills as a writer aren't helping me figure out what you meant.
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