The edge was Farran’s only chance of escape. He was close now, his legs pumping tirelessly over the scattered stones and tall weeds towards the safety of the great drop. He dared not turn his head to look for his pursuer, but knew the man was getting closer every second. Farran’s open wound painted the dense jungle leaves slapping against his body a dark red. He was still holding the sharp blood-soaked object he had moments ago ripped from his shoulder. This was proof: proof of a broken pact. If the elders saw this, they would call forth the tribe’s finest warriors. These invaders had long hunted these lands with their superior tools, capturing far more than their share of the great beasts. Recently, several of Farran's own people had not returned from their hunts, and now his mind was filled with fear and anger. He leapt lithely over the last of the low-hanging branches in his path and turned in the air for a glimpse of his foe. The hunter was kneeling with his weapon over his shoulder, close enough for a second shot. The man’s black shell-like armor stood out against the foliage. Farran continued his spin and hit the ground running. He heard the familiar loud crack behind him, followed by the rapid cutting of leaves and branches.

I also was stopped by "sharp blood-soaked object". Can he really not identify it? The impression I got was that it comes from the same thing that cuased the "familiar loud crack".

quote:

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The edge was Farran’s only chance of escape.

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The edge of what? I see there's a great drop coming, but the edge of what?

quote:

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He was close now, his legs pumping tirelessly over the scattered stones and tall weeds towards the safety of the great drop.

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You don't need "now", we'll assume it. Better yet, consider revising similar to: "The great drop loomed closer as his..."

quote:

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He dared not turn his head to look for his pursuer, but knew the man was getting closer every second.

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Who's the man? Does he know him? How does he know the man is getting closer if he doesn't turn around? Can Farran hear him? And why doesn't he dare to turn around? Will it slow him down? What gives?

quote:

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Farran’s open wound painted the dense jungle leaves slapping against his body a dark red.

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If he's running, he'll be unable to see any painting of leaves, nor would he care to see it. Self-preseveration would dictate to not see anything trivial like this.

quote:

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He was still holding the sharp blood-soaked object he had moments ago ripped from his shoulder. This was proof: proof of a broken pact.

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What's the object? A projectile of sorts? Who is the pact between? There's no point in withholding this info, it doesn't build suspense. Suspense comes from characters dealing with uncertainty in the present or future.

quote:

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These invaders had long hunted these lands with their superior tools, capturing far more than their share of the great beasts.

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"These invaders"? Who are they? Do they have a name?

quote:

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Recently, several of Farran's own people had not returned from their hunts, and now his mind was filled with fear and anger.

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This is only relevant if Farran feels he won't return from his hunt, if indeed he is on a hunt.

quote:

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He leapt lithely over the last of the low-hanging branches in his path and turned in the air for a glimpse of his foe.

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"leapt lithely" feels all kind of wrong. He may be lithe, Farran, but I don't know... this feels awkward. Consider cutting the adverb, it isn't needed.

quote:

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The hunter was kneeling with his weapon over his shoulder, close enough for a second shot. The man’s black shell-like armor stood out against the foliage.

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Firstly, he's a pursuer, then a man, then an invader (possibly), then a foe, then a hunter, and finally back to being a man again. I keep thinking there's more than one person chasing Farran. Find a name for this guy and stick with it. Use words like pursued and hunted for the action...

quote:

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He heard the familiar loud crack behind him, followed by the rapid cutting of leaves and branches.

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So this is familiar? Then there's no reason to withhold any of the above from us. We should know exactly what Farran knows.

Anyway... hope this helps. Don't hold back relevant information. The chase itself and if he survives it mostly unscathed will develop all the suspense you need. Focus on the escape and tell us what he knows.

So, at risk of repeating half of what HSO said, here's what I think:

The edge of what? I'm seeing a cliff, here, so when he jumps off I wonder if he's going to fly or something. Why can't the hunter follow? Just how much of an "edge" is this?

I don't know what to say about all the exposition. It doesn't bug me as much as it did the others, but I agree that we don't need to know all of that just yet. Perhaps what you need to do is get more inside the character's head: "He was the victim, here. He was not the one who had broken the pact. If the elders could see him now... but they couldn't. He was on his own." That gives a bit of info, but it also doesn't distract as much.

The hunter is too ambiguous for me. He seems like some otherworldly shade come to attack Farran, even though I know that Farran knows who he is.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't nit your POV for the phrase, "his legs pumping tirelessly". "He leapt lithely" exhibits exactly the same difficulty, while the equal but opposit problem is shown by "his mind was filled with fear and anger." On the one hand, you get overly descriptive about the external action, on the other you leave the internal action as rather bland statements. It tells us to see this person from the outside, not the inside. Look at this one. "He was still holding the sharp blood-soaked object he had moments ago ripped from his shoulder." All of that is telling us what we could see from outside, not one hint of what Farren experienced inside. I'll leave the point alone for now with a simple injunction to remember your POV.

Back to word choice. The next term that comes up is "his pursuer", also called "the man" and "the hunter". In this case, since you refer to him several times, you end up using two interesting and appropriate terms, "invaders" (of whom this is one) and "foe". But overall you fail to paint a suitable idea of how Farren sees this enemy. I would gather that he has trouble seeing them as "human" (or whatever Farren is), given his tribal background and the suspicions about their behavior that have just been confirmed to him.

All the other phrases mentioned deserve attention too. I'd rework the entire sentance, "Farran’s open wound painted the dense jungle leaves slapping against his body a dark red." And you have; "sharp blood-soaked object", "finest warriors", "superior tools", "great beasts", "Farran's own people" (they aren't his own, they are simply his, and he theirs), "turned in the air" (physics), "weapon over his shoulder" (what is it, a rocket launcher?), "black shell-like armor" (you could do something interesting with this, like calling it a "carapace", but mostly I just didn't like the phrase as it stands), "[no color] foliage", "continued his spin" (physics, refer above), "loud crack...followed by the rapid cutting of leaves and branches" (not unless you clearly specify that Farren has superhuman hearing, and loud crack is kinda boring).

li

TITLE: Escape v2
GENRE: Fantasy
LENGTH: 800 words (currently under revision)
FEEDBACK NEEDED: Characterization, exposition and pace

Sunset was falling on the jungle. Farran studied his surroundings as he walked, hoping to locate a safe tree in which to stop for the night. A half hour ago, a small pride of tigren had pretended not to notice him as he skirted the edge of their pool; they had drank and lazed innocently in the shade. Farran suspected that they were now stalking him through the close undergrowth. A less experienced scout might have chosen one of these low trees only to be later mauled during sleep, but despite three days of constant traveling with minimal rest, Farran’s legs were full of energy and he would once again search until light no longer permitted. He had found no trace of his tribe’s missing hunters, and his steady trek had likely covered more ground than the other scouts. Why had the hunters not returned? He took a breath of the warm air and his eyes widened at the familiar scent it carried. A short sprint led him to the source: a thick tree splotched with blood, deep gashes in its bark filled with hardened sap. No predator’s claw could have cut so deep or precise. Farran’s gaze shifted to the base of the tree and found a shred of leather matching his own tunic among a handful of scattered feathers.

It feels like summary, but I think that's appropriate: I wouldn't want you to tell us every tree Farran examines!

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Sunset [was falling] FELL on the jungle. Farran studied his surroundings as he walked, hoping to locate a safe tree in which to stop for the night.

A half hour ago, a small pride of tigren had pretended not to notice him as he skirted the edge of their pool; they had drank and lazed innocently in the shade. Farran suspected that they were now stalking him through the close undergrowth. A less experienced scout might have chosen one of these low trees*,* only to be later mauled during sleep, but despite three days of constant traveling with minimal rest, Farran’s legs were full of energy and he would once again search until light no longer permitted. [Maybe he'd better not search THAT long -- then he'll be stuck with the last few trees he sees!]

He had found no trace of his tribe’s missing hunters, and his steady trek had likely covered more ground than the other scouts*'*. Why had the hunters not returned? He took a breath of the warm air and his eyes widened at the familiar scent it carried. A short sprint led him to the source: a thick tree splotched with blood, deep gashes in its bark filled with hardened sap. No predator’s claw could have cut so deep or precise. Farran’s gaze shifted to the base of the tree and found a shred of leather matching his own tunic among a handful of scattered feathers.

Short version, I don't like Farran. I'm not particularly interested in reading a story that's probably going to center around his POV.

Longer version, I don't think you're paying close attention to how the way you reveal information through a POV affects the impression the reader will gain of that character's internal mental/emotional process. You're still thinking about this story primarily as something that will be seen from outside Farran's POV, and it shows. There isn't anything in the text that is designed to lead me to sympathize with Farran.

Thanks for the comment. Farran is the catalyst that brings his tribal people into the fight with the more technologically advanced offworlders. It doesn't show right now, but I believe he'll have the most at stake throughout the duration of the story in terms of internal conflict. He's also a window into the tribe itself for the reader. He is not in a position of power directly, but a common person with a few gifts who is trying to do the right thing and get others to follow his lead.

Fine tuning comes later...this is good.

For instance, maybe he suspects they're just skylarking about in a patch of thelanip with a few females of the wrong species, and yet someone has to look for them when they're all missing like that. If he didn't go, then his kid brother would have to go, and as much as he doesn't want his sib risking his neck on such a foolish mission, he really doesn't want him to succeed if the situation is what he thinks it is (perhaps what it was last time).