posted
This story is what I would call ousdoor adventsure. setting far north bush country.Comments are welcome. The Wolf
Consciousness finally returned to the pile of cloth by the side of the trail. A man’s head bloody and unclothed swung around as if surveying its environment. He could not see the wolf standing four feet away, all he could register was the cold, the incredible cold. He tried to get up, but his blue hands could not hold the weight of his body and he fell back into the snow. His pain was replaced by sleep, the sleep of the unconscious.
The wolf came forward and lay down across the man’s face and hands; for a half an hour he didn’t move. Then he got up and looked at the man, he seemed to make a decision. Spiraling out from the unconscious man in ever widening circles, he sniffed the air; about forty feet out he stopped. He looked back at the man, and then took to a trail.
Bob Benit had just settled down beside a warm fire when the strange barking started. It annoyed him; he had been out on his trap line all day and was tired, hungry and cold. The last thing he wanted was to go out tonight, but the barking persisted. So he shrugged into his parka slipped on some boots and picked up his rifle. When he stepped outside he saw the wolf standing several feet from him. Bob was instantly alert, for the behavior of the animal was not normal and abnormal behavior in any wild animal could mean rabies.
posted
well, the first sentence is difficult. You've told me its an outdoor adventure, so I am pretty sure that you don't mean to be writing about sentient clothing, as you've written.
The POV problems in this opening are pretty significant. The 1st paragraph is particularly problematic, but then you go on to use different POV for each of the other two paragraphs. Just the idea of reading 7k words where the POV shifts every paragraph is making me dizzy!
posted
Interesting setup. I think it hooks. Here are my comments:
"Consciousness finally returned to the pile of cloth by the side of the trail." I don't like this line. "Sentient cloth", as the other poster put it.
"A man’s head bloody and unclothed swung around as if surveying its environment." I'd go ahead and introduce your character's name here, posessively. No need to withhold that information. Also, if his head is *not* surveying his environment, then what is he doing? I don't care for the "swung".
"He could not see the wolf standing four feet away, all he could register was the cold, the incredible cold." You have a comma-splice here. I'd break this up.
"He tried to get up, but his blue hands could not hold the weight of his body and he fell back into the snow. His pain was replaced by sleep, the sleep of the unconscious." I'm assuming his hands are blue from the cold, but you might want to use an action word for the cold. "Frost-bitten" or "frozen".
"The wolf came forward and lay down across the man’s face and hands" The wolf was actually on the guy's face?
"Then he got up and looked at the man," I think "it" is more appropriate for the wolf than "he". If it's already seen the man in the snow, why is "looked at the man" important here. Why not "stared" or "gave a long look"?
"he seemed to make a decision" Seemed to whom to make a decision? The only guy who could know this is unconscious.
"strange barking started" Vague. Why is this barking strange? What is the pitch/volume of it? Make it stand out.
"the behavior of the animal was not normal" Not normal how? Give us something specific for us to latch on to.
quote:A man’s head bloody and unclothed swung around as if surveying its environment.
This sentence particularly made me scratch my head. "A man's head, bloody and unclothed" ... I don't tend to think of heads as wearing clothes... hats, perhaps, but not trousers and shirts. And the description makes the head seem to be a severed entity... I pictured a head that had been cut off and was hanging. If you want to picture this head as attached, and belonging to a man, you might say: A man lifted his head and surveyed his environment...
posted
Okay I`m getting the impression the start of this piece is impossible. So I have eliminated the frist two paragraphs. How does it sound now.
Bob Benit had just settled down beside a warm fire when the strange barking started. Barking was not a sound one expected to hear in the heart of Ontario’s bush country in mid winter. It annoyed him; he had been out on his trap line all day and was tired, hungry and cold. The last thing he wanted was to go out tonight, but the barking persisted. So he shrugged into his parka slipped on some boots and picked up his rifle. When he stepped outside he saw the wolf standing several feet from him. Bob watched the animal carefully, his behavior was not normal and abnormal behavior in any wild animal could mean rabies. The wolf barked at him deliberately, then turned and ran a few feet, stopped looked back. Seeing that the man had not moved, the process was repeated; three times the wolf repeated this ritual.
Cursing, Bob entered the cabin to reappear with a set of snowshoes. ”If you’re taking me on a fool errand, I’ll shoot your ass off, wolf.”
Bob was an accomplished woodsman and kept up with the wolf easily; although the wolf seemed to find it necessary to wait at the top of ever rise just to make sure. Bob figured he was about a mile and a half to two miles from the cabin when he topped a rise and saw the wolf sitting beside what appeared to be a body in the snow.
posted
"Barking was not a sound one expected to hear in the heart of Ontario’s bush country in mid winter." Why not? Is it strange because Bob owns no dogs? Maybe he does, but this doesn't sound like one of them?
"So he shrugged into his parka slipped on some boots and picked up his rifle." Add a comma after parka.
"Bob watched the animal carefully, his behavior was not normal and abnormal behavior in any wild animal could mean rabies. The wolf barked at him deliberately, then turned and ran a few feet, stopped looked back. Seeing that the man had not moved, the process was repeated; three times the wolf repeated this ritual." This is tricky wording to not seem over-explanatory. We're talking about checking for rabies, deliberate barking, and then some motioning by the animal that Bob has to interpret and follow. I'd recommend something like: "Bob watched the wolf carefully. It was too calm to have rabies, and it didn't seem injured. In fact, the wolf didn't seem hostile at all; it simply barked expectantly. It trotted a few feet away and sat, calmly staring back at him. As Bob approached, it moved away again. It wasn't scared of him-- it seemed to want to lead him to somewhere."
Aside from this, I like the changes. We get a main character quickly. We get some action. We get more of a mystery, and I think it definitely hooks now.
posted
What jhust said, especially: much improved!
I'll add: I would immediately think of Lassie, and even as I went with the wolf, I'd be amused (as well as excited, and maybe frightened, because if an animal does something this unusual there's probably someone hurt!). Might add some of Bob's inner dialog here.
posted
The three changes in point of view didn't bother me at all,though I would expect that you would soon get settled into one and stick with it for a while. The difficulties in wording in the first paragraph did bother me, but I'm not convinced you should completely bag this approach. The immediate problem I have with the version which starts out with the trapper is that I have trouble IN THAT CONTEXT believing either in a wolf behaving that transparently, or in an experienced trapper giving so little thought to said wolf's behavior.
Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2005
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