posted
This is a fantasy short story (or possibly a novella) that's been percolating in my brain for several months. I spontaneously decided it was ready to be written last night. The word count is irrelevant at this point; I will not be asking for readers until I have more of the tale completed (I foresee it weighing in at around 10,000 words, though it could be shorter or longer). It already seems to be forming a life of its own in my head…I’m being a bit forceful with the reins, though. Can’t have stories running too wild, now can we?
Anyway, critique this piece in any manner you wish…on any topic (except the lack of initially defined POV…that is deliberate here, and non-negotiable). I’d like to get as well rounded a review as possible, so feel free to comment on anything else.
A slow, mournful chant drifted through the chill night air, resonating intensely in the depths of the ancient forest. The undulating voices rolled outward from a ring of monolithic stones like heavy fog, words dripping with power as they fell from ardent lips. The natural cacophony of insects and other creatures of the night slowly ceased as the beasts relinquished their dominion of the wood. Such submission was as rare as the Convocation itself. Nearly a thousand years had passed since the last gathering of forgotten magic, as the common folk now considered it. Such councils were only summoned in times of great need, or in the face of great danger to the world of man and not-man. Indeed, the mortal realm had been remarkably fortunate over the past millennium.
Multifarious figures stood in a loose circle around a small campfire, the merry little blaze dwarfed by the towering columns of rock that sheltered it. The wind worn guardian stones’ imperceptible vigilance never allowed the fire to die. The strange relationship between fire and stone had existed here since men and not-men first discovered the ways of magic, ages past. Those gathered often wondered whether it would be so for much longer, though their worries remained unspoken. Words of doubt said aloud had an unwelcome tendency of bringing more disquiet with them. Convocations of the past had learned this lesson the hardest way such an entity could…through disunion and, ultimately, dissolution. --------------------------------------------
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
posted
This has creates an interesting world in fairly short space. The things I'd caution you about are redundancies and unneeded words, which dilute the piece.
quote: A slow, mournful chant drifted through the chill night air, resonating intensely in the depths of the ancient forest.
Now, it might be me, but I think if you said "mournful chant" I would understand that it's slow. I also don't know what new information the word "intensely" is offering here. "Resonating" creates a strong picture by itself.
quote:The undulating voices rolled outward from a ring of monolithic stones like heavy fog, words dripping with power as they fell from ardent lips.
Why is it a ring of monolithic stones rather than just a ring of monoliths? In this same sentence, I might suggest cutting "as they fell from ardent lips." I use this analogy sometimes, but it may not work here--if you think of writing like a piece of jewelry, and part of it is elaborately detailed, it becomes overwhelming and gaudy. You don't notice the individual details anymore. But a simple piece, which focuses on one or two gems can be breathtaking.
Throughout this piece I see beautiful turns of phrases, but it stops me from seeing the whole thing.
quote:Indeed, the mortal realm had been remarkably fortunate over the past millennium.
The two previous sentences create this impression without needing to tell us.
quote:Multifarious figures stood in a loose circle around a small campfire, the merry little blaze dwarfed by the towering columns of rock that sheltered it. The wind worn guardian stones’ imperceptible vigilance never allowed the fire to die.
Okay, you have "small campfire" and "merry little blaze" in the same sentence. I don't think you need little do you? I'm also wondering if "campfire" is the best way to describe the fire. I mean, they aren't camping are they?
posted
I think I would be more interested if there was a specific conflict or a specific character presented. It's a cool scene, but these generalities just don't hold my attention.
Posts: 1041 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Alrighty. Here's a rewrite I just pounded out. If any wish to discuss the original version, just identify it in your comments as v1. Similarly, please identify comments on the rewrite as v2. This rewrite is a bit longer than thirteen lines...fifteen, I think. I hope no one minds the bit o' extra blah. It helps introduce the main character's connection to the 'Hearth,' and set up the central plot device.
A mournful chant drifted through the chill night air, resonating in the depths of the ancient forest. The undulating voices rolled outward from a ring of charred monoliths like heavy fog, words dripping with power as they fell from ardent lips. The natural cacophony of insects and other creatures of the night slowly ceased as the beasts relinquished their dominion of the wood. Such submission was as rare as the Convocation itself. Nearly a thousand years had passed since the last gathering of forgotten magic, as the common folk now considered it. Such councils were only summoned in times of great need, or in the face of great danger to the world of man and not-man. Indeed, the mortal realm had been remarkably fortunate over the past millennium.
Multifarious figures stood around a small bonfire that was dwarfed by the towering columns of blackened rock sheltering it. Though the blaze was built upon no wood or any other common fuel, the wind worn stones’ enchanted vigilance never allowed it to die. The strange relationship between fire and stone had existed here since men and not-men first discovered the ways of magic, ages past. Those gathered often wondered whether it would be so for much longer, though their worries remained unspoken. Words of doubt said aloud had an unwelcome tendency of bringing more disquiet with them. Trevan frowned as he studied the eternal flame, noting its drastic reduction in size. The unnatural fire still burned as hot as ever, but nowhere near as high or broad. When he was a small boy apprenticed to a great wizard, the flames of the Hearth had engulfed the entire ring of enormous stones, charring even those massive pillars. --------------------------------------------
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
[This message has been edited by Inkwell (edited April 22, 2005).]
posted
Hmmm...I have some word choice issues. The term "charred monoliths" sounds okay, but I'd prefer "scorched" or something like that (that's probably only a personal pref). "The natural cacophony" sounds contradictory, particularly as used, and you refer to a "dominion of the wood."
The next sentance stands out as rather...odd, "Such submission was as rare as the Convocation itself." In this case, I'd try something like, "Such submission was rare. Nearly a thousand years had passed since the last Convocation."
I have a more particular problem with the use of the term "not-man". I don't know that it fits the voice you're trying to create here. And "multifarious" is right out. On the one hand, it makes them seem too exotic to the POV. On the other hand, it doesn't seem to match the voice of the text.
When you refer to the "bonfire" and "blaze", you really need to use a term that indicates that this fire is not all that it should be. Don't leave that unnoted for five or six lines before mentioning it. Particularly with a very evocative opening like this, where the viewpoint is created through word choice and diction rather than direct attribution, you only get one shot at expressing the first impression correctly.
Your last two lines in the new version don't really express any important new information. They show a bad form that you can't afford with this opening, coming back to restate what should have been said right the first time.
Overall, I think that you're going in a good direction here, you just need to tighten it and really work on saying exactly what you want to say. In this sort of opening, the prose has to do double duty of sorts, creating the explicit setting and another setting internal to the character. Also, these openings tend to be pretty slow action-wise, so getting the language just right is important to catch the reader's interest. I think that you're close...assuming that I'm not latching onto the wrong bits here
posted
I agreed about the mournful chant being assumed as slow. In your first version, I was taking a hatchet to those adjectives, but it seems you’ve changed it a bit, so here goes:
"A mournful chant drifted through the chill night air, resonating in the depths of the ancient forest." I’d find a way to work "chill night" into the passage elsewhere. People don’t *see* weather, they experience it. Mournful and ancient I would keep, since they are essential.
"The undulating voices rolled outward from a ring of charred monoliths like heavy fog, words dripping with power as they fell from ardent lips." I’d say: "The undulating voices dripped with power, rolling outward from the ring of charred monoliths like a heavy fog."
Part of the problem is the subject order of the paragraph. We get a mournful chant, chill night air, ancient forest, undulating voices, charred monoliths (which I recommend the definite article for). I’d recommend putting everything that deals with the voices together.
"The natural cacophony of insects and other creatures of the night slowly ceased as the beasts relinquished their dominion of the wood." I think "natural" is redundant, since the creatures and insects are making the cacophony, and they are presumed natural. Also, what precisely silences them? Is it the sound, or the fog? Both? So, maybe something like: "The undulating voices dripped with power, silencing the cacophony of the insects and other creatures of the night."
"Such councils were only summoned in times of great need, or in the face of great danger to the world of man and not-man. Indeed, the mortal realm had been remarkably fortunate over the past millennium." I’d ditch the "great" on both of these. It’s assumed to be great if the council summons are so rare.
Multifarious figures stood around a small bonfire that was dwarfed by the towering columns of blackened rock sheltering it. I’d either omit "towering" or "blackened", to break up the "adjective, noun, verb" structure of this whole thing.
"Though the blaze was built upon no wood or any other common fuel, the wind worn stones’ enchanted vigilance never allowed it to die." I’m not sure about this part. I’d omit the possessive "enchanted vigilance" altogether. We can infer from the fire that this is a magical creation. And a stone can’t really be vigilant, can it? (Maybe in your story it is. I dunno.)
"The strange relationship between fire and stone had existed here since men and not-men first discovered the ways of magic, ages past." I’d get rid of "strange". Too generic.
"Words of doubt said aloud had an unwelcome tendency of bringing more disquiet with them." I’d get rid of "unwelcome." It’s inferred. Disquiet is never welcome.
"Trevan frowned as he studied the eternal flame, noting its drastic reduction in size." I’d omit "drastic", since you’re telling us a bit later just how drastic the reduction is.
"The unnatural fire still burned as hot as ever, but nowhere near as high or broad." I’d omit "unnatural". We know this.
"When he was a small boy apprenticed to a great wizard, the flames of the Hearth had engulfed the entire ring of enormous stones, charring even those massive pillars." I’d change "great wizard" to the wizard’s name. No need to withhold this information.
As I said, I think a big part of the problem to me, aside from too many adjectives, is the subject order. We keep jumping back and forth between voices, fire and stones. We also jump into the past at several different points. I think a little massaging of the sentence structure could cure this and make it flow better.
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