Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » A Special Brew

   
Author Topic: A Special Brew
MCameron
Member
Member # 2391

 - posted      Profile for MCameron   Email MCameron         Edit/Delete Post 
Genre: Speculative drifting towards light horror
2300 words

This is a rough-draft expansion of another flash challenge. I would like readers for the whole thing. The ending in particular has issues.

--Mel

-------------------------

Kevin swiped a copy of The Daily Bobcat from the newsstand as he walked past. The headline read “Student Union Demolition To Begin In January.”

“I hate all this construction,” AJ said. He crowded into Kevin, trying to read the article.

Kevin pushed him away. “Get your own copy!” he said. “I'm trying to read this.”

They crossed University Drive and walked down the Path of Olives towards their dorm. The shade was a welcome relief after the searing sunlight. AJ stopped at a railing that fenced off concrete steps leading underground. He leaned over the rail and peered into the darkness.

“Wouldn't it be cool to explore the tunnels?” he said.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Feb 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
autumnmuse
Member
Member # 2136

 - posted      Profile for autumnmuse   Email autumnmuse         Edit/Delete Post 
Turn about's fair play. Send it over.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004  | Report this post to a Moderator
MCameron
Member
Member # 2391

 - posted      Profile for MCameron   Email MCameron         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks autumnmuse, it's on the way.

--Mel


Posts: 269 | Registered: Feb 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
Lord Darkstorm
Member
Member # 1610

 - posted      Profile for Lord Darkstorm   Email Lord Darkstorm         Edit/Delete Post 
I'll take a look....
Posts: 807 | Registered: Mar 2003  | Report this post to a Moderator
Sparky
New Member
Member # 2527

 - posted      Profile for Sparky   Email Sparky         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey, I'm free to take a look
Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
NewsBys
Member
Member # 1950

 - posted      Profile for NewsBys   Email NewsBys         Edit/Delete Post 
You make it sound like no one has ever explored these tunnels before, which seems weird because a mere railing is not going to stop university students. At least not the ones I know.
I'm thinking these tunnels, were they at a typical university, would be the favorite hang-out.
You might want to "beef-up" the entrance, maybe have a wrough iron gate or something.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004  | Report this post to a Moderator
MCameron
Member
Member # 2391

 - posted      Profile for MCameron   Email MCameron         Edit/Delete Post 
Story sent to LDS and Sparky. Thanks for reading.

quote:
a mere railing is not going to stop university students

Oh! You're right, that could use some more description. The picture in my mind was of stairs leading down to a locked door, and the railing was just to keep people from falling into the hole. Thanks for pointing that out.

--Mel


Posts: 269 | Registered: Feb 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
MaryRobinette
Member
Member # 1680

 - posted      Profile for MaryRobinette   Email MaryRobinette         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
“I hate all this construction,” AJ said. He crowded into Kevin, trying to read the article.

This is a nitpicky thing, but may I suggest switching these two sentences? To me, it seems like AJ can't comment on the construction if he hasn't read the headline yet.

I'm behind on crits right now, but let me know if you need a second reader.


Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003  | Report this post to a Moderator
Lanius
Member
Member # 2482

 - posted      Profile for Lanius   Email Lanius         Edit/Delete Post 
I'll read it if you like.
Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
TaShaJaRo
Member
Member # 2354

 - posted      Profile for TaShaJaRo   Email TaShaJaRo         Edit/Delete Post 
I don't know how many readers you were looking for but I'll be happy to read it if you need another one.
Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
MCameron
Member
Member # 2391

 - posted      Profile for MCameron   Email MCameron         Edit/Delete Post 
MaryRobinette, since you're busy, I'll keep you in mind for the next version. I revise quickly, so that will probably be ready in the next week or so, depending on how fast critiques come back.

Lanius and TaSha, thanks for volunteering. I've sent it.

--Mel


Posts: 269 | Registered: Feb 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
autumnmuse
Member
Member # 2136

 - posted      Profile for autumnmuse   Email autumnmuse         Edit/Delete Post 
Sorry, Mel, I've been remiss. I'm frantically rewriting my own and have not yet gotten to yours. Is tomorrow okay? It's just that I promised OSC a rewrite in the next day and I'm not done yet.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004  | Report this post to a Moderator
MaryRobinette
Member
Member # 1680

 - posted      Profile for MaryRobinette   Email MaryRobinette         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks Mel, when you have the rewrite ready just send it to me. Hopefully I'll be out of the weeds by then.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003  | Report this post to a Moderator
MCameron
Member
Member # 2391

 - posted      Profile for MCameron   Email MCameron         Edit/Delete Post 
autumnmuse, get your own writing done first! I'm not in any particular hurry.

--Mel


Posts: 269 | Registered: Feb 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2