posted
Here is a short story I just finished, for the most part it is compleate, but I am still tweeking it.
A Hero’s Ascension
Dac sat in his tribe’s camp chewing on a piece of dried meat and staring out at the peacefully falling snow. He had always liked watching the snow, it made everything seem peaceful. He knew that the bloodshed to come would change all that. A man in his tribe’s colors, which Dac couldn’t recognize rode on horseback though the camp yelling: “break camp! We march in one hour!” Dac was already ready: He liked to spend the time mentally calming himself. He needed to be able to think. He mounted his horse and headed towards the edge of the camp.
Soon they were heading towards the battle field that they and the other tribe had decided on. Dac absentmindedly thumbed the pommel of his sword, as he always did on the final march into a battle. Even though he was terrified of the fight coming he refused to think about it. He had seen men drive themselves insane waiting a mere hour before something like this.
[This message has been edited by matthew (edited May 13, 2005).]
I perceive serious trouble with commas. See Strunk & White (online) to fix this.
You repeat peacefully-peaceul, and already-ready; sounds a little funny.
A man in his tribe's colors, which Dac couldn't recognize -- sounds like Dac can't recognize the colors.
Not much physical detail except that it's snowy. Flat terrain? Forest? It would make a difference, and a bit more physical detail would help.
More major: I suggest more concrete sensory detail, to make it seem more real.
I wonder how you came up with the name "Dac." I fear maybe you just came up with a nonsense syllable, and then you had a name. I suggest 2 processes to get it to sound more realistic (and to flesh out your world): * make the language's phonology. You can rip off real languages for this. I did this once by adapting Japanese to have initial consonants before T, as in some African languages, and ended up with Haleamu, Pti, Mtale, Suvaa -- sounds coherent * make the social background. He's probably not just Dac (just as OSC, e.g., isn't just "Scott"); he's Dac of River Morton, or Dac bar-Joseph, or something. He may even be Dac the One-Eyed. You may get thru all this and still he's just Dac -- but you'd still have made your world and your character rich by doing it.
posted
Yeah, you'll get a more useful critique from most people if your syntax is mostly correct and avoids spurious or entirely incorrect meanings. I'm all for reasonably good punctuation too, but it's not going to make a meaningful critique essentially impossible.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Overall, I like this. I felt a bit of confusion when you said "a man in his tribe's colors". I wasn't sure at first if you meant he was of Dac's tribe but Dac didn't know him, or if the man and the colors were from a different tribe.
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