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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Restoration, v. 3

   
Author Topic: Restoration, v. 3
jeduthun
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Member # 2563

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Would like readers for this 3rd draft of the first two chapters of a Fantasy Novel, preferably people who did not read versions 1 or 2. Here are the first 12 lines of Chapter One, so you can decide if you might enjoy...
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Chapter One: Flower Collector

Kiana felt the men coming up behind her before she could see them. She sat still in the tall grass, the yala petals dissolving in her mouth. Their power filled her mind with color: all the flowers in the meadow glowed with the vibration of life. They sang to her in vivid oranges and yellows. She sensed a rabbit in the grass nearby, his nose twitching with fear. Birds watched the men from nearby trees. Everything was alive with vibration, but the men were blank, empty spaces where there should be life. They must be using death sap to hide themselves. Don’t they know it makes them stand out like a panther on the beach?

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Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
ely
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Member # 2558

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Hi,

Sounds interesting. I don't have much experience critiquing, but I am willing to take a look at it and let you know what I think.


Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
NewsBys
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Member # 1950

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This sounds much better than the last version. I volunteer to read a chapter or two.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004  | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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