posted
Well I promised one of my friends that I would write her a story. She's into the mystery/murder/gore thing, and I.... well I haven't really read much of that stuff. So any tips in that respect? I'm also writing from the female perspective (I'm a guy), and so... I suppose I could recieve a few pointers there... how I should distinguish her speech and such things. At any rate, since this is only the first few lines, I don't know how well you'll see the mystery, but here goes:
She was walking just a little bit faster now. Her arms were tightened up more than usual, briefly swaying in a quick, and yet disturbingly inefficient manner (arm swaying is, after all, for balance, is it not?). You know, that disgusting little walk all the prissy girls walk when they get really excited? I suppose she had reason to display her emphatic femininity; it was a very special day for this curiously dense schoolgirl. There were balloons all over the park. Pink, sky blue, peach—even clear ones—were tied to the swing sets, the monkey bars, and the plastic slides. Just away from the pebbled playground was a gigantic yellow freckled moonwalk sporting the name of some ghastly new teen TV show on its side. There were picnic tables out, littered with everything from soy foods to double double chocolate cake. And the most ridiculous part of the scene I was only just taking in: the gobs of tweens in mini skirts and low-cut shirts were rushing toward her with the largest box that I had ever seen. That was my cue. So I, Jenna Doland, Colletesville School Nurse, smoothed out my dress, not-so-femininely swung my purse about my shoulder, and started through the dark green sea of grass, to met the little lass.
posted
lol... I'm sorry, but as a woman that's... um... oh, I'm trying SOO hard not to use the word dreadful. Forgive me; I'm not trying to be sarcastic or rude, but women never think that way.
The ONLY time women are even slightly conscious of the way they walk is if they are deliberately strutting in front of a hot guy, or if they have spike heels on and are praying they don't trip and fall on their ass. If you were able to hear the inner dialog going on inside a woman's brain, you would get a lot more of the "Oh god I hope I don't trip" going on.
Don't try so hard to sound like a woman. Sound like a PERSON first. *smooch*
posted
Haha! Well see, I'm learning something already.
I think there are two reasons why I was doing that. First, I want this woman "speaking" to be a sort of prude... something to show an older/more... refined woman who doesn't think on the level of "popular society". Second, it is a critique of the girl's walking mannner, not the actual woman critiquing her own walking.
But reading over it, it is hard for me to imagine that the narrator is a woman. Should I junk that whole critique of the walk and put in something more... more what? Should I expend some time making her a tomboy? Should I make the narrator a man anyway?
It's a question I've been asking myself for a while... how DO women think
posted
My thought: keep the tone, and make the narrator male. Write it; enjoy it; and have some other story be from the female perspective (if that's your constraint).
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I agree with wbriggs. i think this character has a good voice, but it is not female. I think the reason I hear it as male is because the character seems to hate everything that she is also descibing as female. She would have to be MORE than a prude to think that way. More like a seriously repressed and rather evil witch. I'm kinda prudish about some things. When I see pre-teens in scandalously short miniskirts, I worry about thier safety, role models and home life. I don't distain them though.
Another thing creeps me about this scene. The nurse has obviously watched her more than once, because she knows what she normally does and how she normally walks. So she focuses on this specific girl often, but hardly notices the others. Kind of stalkerish. But maybe that was what you were going for.
posted
One way to test out the dialog is to switch genders and see if it works. Try this:
He was walking just a little bit faster now. His arms were tightened up more than usual, briefly swaying in a quick, and yet disturbingly inefficient manner (arm swaying is, after all, for balance, is it not?). You know, that disgusting little walk all the prissy boys walk when they get really excited? I suppose he had reason to display his emphatic masculinity; it was a very special day for this curiously dense schoolboy.
That should highlight it for you. If you can't fathom a male of your acquaintence "displaying his emphatic masculinity" it probably won't fly in the reverse for women, either.
posted
Oh, we can. But a male emphsizes his masculinity in a different way from how he would display femininity. We're different from women that way Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
To me, if changing the gender pronouns _doesn't_ give you something that sounds strange or silly, it means you haven't done sufficient characterization. Elan's reversal sounds silly. _Good_. It shows that gender is relevant.
But it still sounds like a man talking about a woman, rather than a woman talking about herself.
posted
Wait a second, so women really do display masculinity and femininity using the same body language cues? I thought I was just making that up to be silly.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
The thing that is silly is that NO one thinks of it as showing their emphatic masculinity OR femininity... no woman runs those thoughts through their head...
An older, more prudish nurse, is not going to stand there and think all those thoughts about the child's femininity, or her own as she moves her purse and smooths out her dress.
Men, I've noticed, tend to write that women obsess about thinking about these things, and for the most part they don't. Not in this way. I wish I could figure out just exactly how to describe to you where the characterization deviates from real behavior.
The problem, I think, is that you are focusing in an unrealistic way on her perception of her femininity. You should work that in, in a far more subtle way. For instance a quick glance in the mirror to adjust hair or make-up, smoothing the dress is OK, but not all this use of the word femininity... that pulls the reader right out of the story.
Let me make a try here:
She was walking just a little bit faster now. She was bouncing down the sidewalk in that way all little girls her age do when they get really excited. I suppose she had reason to display her enthusiasm; it was a very special day for this curiously dense schoolgirl...(yadda yadda)
That was my cue. So I smoothed out my dress and swung my purse over my shoulder, then started through the dark green sea of grass to met the little lass. Jenna Doland, Colletesville School Nurse to the rescue. (or whatever emphasis you need to place on her participation at this point.)
See? You can mention the purse, the dress smoothing, but leave it at that. We'll pick up on the fact that she is feminine. By repeating the word "feminine" over and over, you lose credibility in the description.
posted
Oh, um...you might want to read the posted frag a bit more carefully before commenting on what it says or how well it says it. Pay particular attention to places where "not" appears.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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