posted
Hey, all. Been a while since I've subjected myself to your metaphorical lashes. I've just finished polishing a fantasy short story entitled, "Xoco's Fire." I'd be interested in comments over the first bit, and I'd love a full critique if any of you have the stamina and/or interest.
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Even though the smoke rose in sprightly wisps above the beach, Xoco knew the gods had no hand in it. It was the breeze that rolled off the surf that coaxed the billowing cloud to dance. She threw another whitefish onto the flames and watched its silver scales bubble and boil, gills puffing gouts into the moonlight.
Xoco prayed again for an answer and cast her desires into the rising plume. Kimpana village is functioning again, if in a limited way. The gardens are producing. The fish are coming, slowly, of their own accord. Need the Shaman still extract from me his price? Need he hurt me, pin me against the floor of his hut and subject me to his savagery, to relish in the pain he inflicts?
I will do anything, she thought. Anything, if you let me kill him. Let me feel his blood on my hands. Let it course down my body, soothe the burns and cuts that scar my thighs and spirit.
When there appeared no response, she sat back, worried, on her hindquarters. Her hand unconsciously rubbed the rigid bulge of her abdomen, comforting the twin gods that roosted within.
posted
All right, send it my way. I'll probably need a few days to work through it, though.
As for the first 13, it mostly flows quite nicely and I'm certainly hooked. There were a few points that threw me:
When you switch to present tense, it took me a couple of reads to realize that it was supposed to be the prayer. If you added some sort of ritualistic wording to it, that would help the reader understand what is going on. For example: "Kimpana village is functioning again, Oh [insert name of god here]."
The other thing is the word "hindquarters". I'm sorry, that word immediately made me think that Xoco was an animal, which I don't think you were going for. I would describe the posture as "sitting on her heels".
But these are minor. The rest of the fragment is easy to read and comprehend, and quite compelling so far.
posted
Well, I liked it, although two things stuck out to me. One was where you were saying something like "the foam that rolled off the waves that..." or something like that. Sorry, can't remember exactly. Try to eliminate the two "that"s that come right after one another. I don't think it flows as well.
Also, I guess if I read the rest it would make more sense, however from the first 13 lines it sounds like the shaman is going to rape her or something. Then only later do I find out that she's already pregnant. It's kind of confusing. Obviously it'll clear up after reading more, but it was sort of confusing at a first glance.
posted
My only real problem is that I was surprised to learn that the scene was happening by moonlight.
There are little wordsmithing points, "It was the [adjective] breeze rolling off the surf that coaxed...", "to revel/delight/take pleasure in the pain..." or "she sat on her heels, worried." I wouldn't let things like that keep me from reading, I can mentally adjust them on the fly.
I have to register m's complaint too. The "rigid bulge of her abdomen" implies that she's very pregnant, enough so that being subjected to rape could have some pretty bad consequences. Of course, that might be part of why she's worried that she's not getting the obvious answer, so I'm willing to let it ride till I know more.
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