posted
Here are the first few lines. This is not fiction. Readers are welcome.
Stone Musings #4
The sun is not as strong as the wind is today, on the Island. It is early in the summer, the best time of year to play in shallow water and mock the gulfen waves.
Far down the beach, my wife waves to me. Nineteen years ago we would be walking together, hand in hand, to search for Christmas ornaments along the water’s edge. Now I stay to watch my sons as she walks on, without me but still adding to our collection.
After a while I turn and look to the boys. Where I stand, facing into the wind, I am on loose dry sand. Number one son is waist-deep in water in the trough between sand bars, where the big fish feed. I wait and soon enough a mullet jumps, startling him. The intensity of the change is scary, to anyone who doesn’t know my older son. A moment ago he was happy and now he is truly terrified and he races to me, to his rock and his safety. In a moment I hold him in my arms and he lays his head against my shoulder. He is so tall now.
posted
I hit the word "gulfen" and stopped dead in my tracks. The term "gulfen waves" is completely unfamiliar to me. Perhaps this is a regional expression? If so, you might consider substituting something more generally in use. You could get away with that term in dialog, but it felt strange and unexplained in narrative form.
quote: Far down the beach, my wife waves to me. Nineteen years ago we would be walking together, hand in hand, to search for Christmas ornaments along the water’s edge.
This expression also strikes me as odd. This is apparently refering to a family tradition about using, I presume, driftwood, on the Christmas tree. But without a wee bit of back-up explanation to go along with it, those of us who have never hung driftwood on Christmas trees have images in our minds of looking for those glass balls sold in the twelve-pack in the store. Or how about that Christmas Pickle? Christmas ornaments will be specific, and to some degree unique, to each family. A brief explanation of WHAT you are looking for on the beach would help anchor the right visual image in our minds for those of us who don't use beach debris .
posted
I have to admit "gulfen" stopped me too. I think you mean 'of the gulf' or something like that. Perhaps 'gulfing' would work, but I did a search and could not find 'gulfen' in any dictionary. Maybe that's just me though. But hey, I like making up words. Gulfen is a good one, in my book!
Beach ornaments could also be made from shells or perhaps sea glass, or anything interesting found on the shore. I can picture that. Cool tradition. Reminds me of a passage of Shakespeare from "Midsummer Night's Dream" where Titania is referring to the mother of the changeling child she and Oberon are fighting over:
"When we would laugh to see the sails conceive and grow big-bellied in the wanton wind; which she, with pretty and with swimming gait, would imitate, and sail upon the land, to fetch me trifles and return again, as from a voyage, rich with merchandise."
posted
If your looking for readers, I'd be interested. I've never seen the word gulfen but, in the context, it didn't take me out of the story.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Hi Mike, The word "gulfen" stopped me also. I've never heard it either and have no idea what it means. Collecting for christmas along the shore doesn't seem strange to me at all, though I live on the Chesapeake Bay and my husband and I often make ornaments from shells to give as gifts at christmas. And of course you have to find the perfect ones to use I wondered how old your son is, though, to be so frightened by a fish jumping. Most children think its really funny and neat. Meenie
Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Honestly, I didn't even notice the "gulfen", but now that it's been called to my attention, I have to say I don't like it so much. It scans right, but it sounds ill.
The search for Christmas ornaments was clear to me on the first read, but Elan's comment does give me pause.
I suppose that Meenie's comment about your son's reaction says something to me as well. You actually don't describe this very well. He's wading in waist deep water, is startled by a fish, and "races" back to his father. There are some bits left out, eh?
posted
Well, I took "gulfen" to be a pit of a prosaic word, i.e. not sure what it meant but it sounded nice. I had no problem with the rest. The part with the son seems a piece of another story. As Survivor said, there are pieces missing, pieces the POV character knows but we don't. Whether we need to depends on the significance of the info. I know this is a serial piece, so I was wondering if it is mentioned there.
I'll read if you need a reader. I remember reading at least 2 of the others. So, I hate to miss out on this one.
posted
If you want the term "Gulfen" to describe more than the locale where the waves occur, it may help to use a different adjective or an additional adjective to the description. Readers that are not familiar with gulfs or their waves may otherwise fail to develop a meaningful image of what you are trying to portray.
I'd be happy to read it (please send as .rtf file).
[This message has been edited by Lanius (edited June 11, 2005).]
posted
Haven't read the whole thread. Don't want to taint my thinking. Anyway, being a Tampa resident, the gulf's waves have always seemed too pitiful to me to mock...I'm assuming you meant the the gulf of mexico by "gulfen"?
Why begin with the negative? Why not: The wind is stronger than the sun today. Early summer on the island is the best time...
Check your commas. I'm no grammarian but your commas are bugging me.
I want names. Number one son, Timmy is waist deep...
What intrigues me is the father son relationship. Being a rock and safety neat.
There is a moodiness about this beginning that suggests tragedy...
The answers are in the text. If you read #s 1,2 and 3 at www.riverwalkjournal.org, you'll see that my lack of use of names this time is consistent with what went before. In a way it isn't fair to you to post 13 lines or so here, when what you are seeing is just part of a much longer work in progress. All that I can suggest is that 1) this is nonfiction, and thus plays by different rules, and 2) read what went before.
Commas are my weakness, it comes from English not being my first language, I believe.
posted
For some reason, you link didn't work...Oh, by the way...English is my first language and I can't always get commas right either.
Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Actually, I'm very interested in nonfiction. My dissertation is being written as a narrative about male friendship. And I'm intrigued by your posts on the subject. hopefully, some of the other links will work for me.
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