Here's the first thirteen (more or less...mostly more) from a SF/Fantasy short story, approx. 4100 words. It's still quite raw, but I'm looking for crits on the opening and readers/critters for the whole piece.
The Sybillant
Gillian couldn't have prophesied better if he'd made it up.
_The hawk will defeat the serpent, before the garden is sundered._
"How about that for the Governor's inaugural prophecy?" Gillian asked. "Nostradamus couldn't have done it better, eh Marta?"
Marta didn't say a thing. The knife in her throat would've prevented it, even if she'd still been breathing.
"I still need to go deeper, though" Gillian continued, as if he'd missed the significance of all the blood, "the Governor will be here soon. Oh but, your appearance, Marta..." The laughter bubbled up just then, wet and terrible, along with a cloud of what had been a well-behaved sorrow. It might've devoured him completely, but a memory of Marta intervened:
"The Sibyllants are just placebos, Gillian, not prophets," she'd said. "You don't understand what you're tampering with!"
"Yes, that's true," Gillian said, then and now. "But I do intend to find out."
[This message has been edited by onepktjoe (edited June 08, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by onepktjoe (edited June 08, 2005).]
posted
I'm already repulsed by the POV character. I know I'm supposed to be, but . . . you have to make him appealing in some way, or I won't want to spend (reading) time in his company. Or else have some other way to hook me in.
It's too gruesome for humor, but too lighthearted in tone for horror. I am a little curious as to what he's talking about -- I'd hope to find out in the next few lines -- and about why she was murdered.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited June 08, 2005).]
posted
I am interested by this. Drawn in by a world where governors prophesy.
But I am trusting you that the main character will be worthy soon.
Are you aware that Sibyllant is very similar to sibilant which means 'to hiss' and often refers to 's' 'th' 'sh' and those sort of sounds? I know you are harking back to Sibyl the ancient greek prophetesses. But are you aware that Sibyllant is an Everquest character type? It also has weird tension with Sibyl Trelawney in Harry Potter. Curse you J.K.R.!
Send it on over if you want.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 08, 2005).]
posted
I liked the beginning. The voice worked, and the dark humor of the character. You lost me at "The laughter bubbled up . . " I wasn't sure what was going on after that.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I thought it was interesting. I reserve judgment on the main character until I read more of the piece. Send it to me if you're ready for a critique.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I knew I was going to be on thin ice with this POV character. I'm just trying to keep the writing tight enough and interesting enough to compensate.
As for the similarities of the title to the sound, the oracle (and, by round-about way, to the serpent in the garden of Eden), yes--those were intentional. As for the Everquest character--I had no idea. Any info on that would be appreciated. As for the HP character--that's just damned unfortunate. Ah well. Ditto on the curses.
As for ...the laughter bubbled up... I was going for an odd wacko moment. I don't think that was particularly well-executed either, but like I said, this one's still a bit raw.
Anyway, thanks again for the comments. Silver3 and Hoptoad--it's on the way.
posted
It's a trifle schitzoid, but interesting. For all of that, I think that you need to make Gillian's thoughts a little darker and more self-justified. That will help avoid making it seem too "light", he didn't kill just for the fun of it.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I actually find the main character interesting. He seems very nutty, but I like it so far. Other than the fact that he seems to have just killed someone for the heck of it, I don't see why he's such a bad character. He's quite original if you ask me.
Then again, maybe I'm the only one not bothered that he's not bothered by killing. I read horror often, so perhaps that's why.
posted
I'm having a bit of trouble following the thought logic of the POV character, and given what I've seen of him, I'm not real keen on getting any closer. Too dark for my tastes as a reader, I'm afraid.
The writing does have a vivid quality. Nicely done, but it makes the story aspects all the more chilling.
posted
Too many quesitons for me. I a little lost to put it politely.
By all means raise questions the reader will want answered but to open a story with so many I think is unwise.
For instance I'm not clear on what exactly has been done, by whom, to whom (not just their names), motivation/purpose etc.
As it stands I'm confused. If you explain everything in the first couple of pages then you may be ok but I'd rather be lead through with the info' and not left to wonder from the first paragraph.
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