posted
Saverio waved off a fly as he worked, tired and uninterested, on his latest Psychology assignment. Why do I have to spend my Summer inside doing crappy school assignments when everyone else is out doing what they please? Saverio thought to himself, waving the same fly off.
He was the top student in the class, and how did they repay him? By taking away his Summer with another pointless assignment. Not like it would be any different, he's missed his last two consecutive Summers through school work and hoped to God this would be his last lost Summer.
Saverio grunted in frustration and anger, mainly at that same fly buzzing around his head, but also at the copius amount of homework he had been set for completion by the return from Summer break. Speaking of breaks, Saverio had been working hard for the last four hours...
posted
Well, we see that Saverio is frustrated, and we know why, but that's not necessarily enough to keep us interested in reading further.
Consider this: You've got three paragraphs that deal with Saverio and a fly (well, two, actually). Is the fly a main character or important in some way? If it is, then so be it. If not, it might be worthwhile to bring up the fly only once and progress the story along.
Also, you've got a lot of "work" or "worked" in this. Be careful of using the same words over and over.
quote:Speaking of breaks, Saverio had been working hard for the last four hours...
This is an odd turn of phrase -- the "Speaking of breaks" bit. You can get away with this if you've clearly established the narrator's personality, and that's he's relaying the story aloud to his listeners. And that narrator may inject his own personal comments into the story. But up until this point, it reads like your basic third-person narrative. So, you might consider avoiding such phrases in your narrative.
On Saverio's assignment: Go ahead and tell us what it is. It's important, because it's keeping him from doing what he wants to. Knowing what it is might enhance our enjoyment of Saverio's internal conflict. There's no good reason to keep this information from us.
Most of all, keep your story moving. Don't dwell on what has already happened, show us what is happening. Make the exposition supremely relevant. In other words, consider finding another way to tell us that Saverio was the top student. Might I suggest him looking at his possible awards for his acheivements? Maybe he has them hung up nearby? Something to consider. Perhaps, even, the fly lands on his award and Saverio shoos it away.
posted
Saverio shooed away the fly which was perched on his framed certificate which displayed his Diploma in Psychology. He admired the certificate, his eyes slowly creeping onto his Certificate III in Psychology, the pre-requisite for any Diploma, and thinking back over the last few years of his life, he felt proud of his rank as the top student in his class.
He quickly snapped himself out of his daze and looked, with a groan, at the copious amount of work set before him. Although it was his favourite subject, Saverio really wasn’t interested in learning, let alone writing, about the ways of Clinical Psychology. He doesn’t care if people have psychological problems, why should he help them? ----------------------------------------------------------- I'm having trouble with continuing on this scene. I want to have Saverio notice the teeming activity outside his window, at the park across the street, but I am having a lot of trouble finding the wording and coming up with a way of him noticing. Any help would be appreciated!
posted
First things first. Do not rush to change your story just because someone offers their opinion on it. Even if you agree with it, wait a day or two. Let others chime in their thoughts.
Then, you will have a more rounded view of the issues you need to address. This in itself could be overwhelming, but it needn't be. The trick is noting the places in the story that have been commented on. Sometimes, when someone says this needs to be less, it really needs to be more. You learn this over time, of course. But, "don't go changing..."
Right. So, you need your character to what's happening outside of his window? Then that is precisely where you start your story. For instance (very rough pass here):
Saverio was working on his psychology assignment when he heard the ruckus outside. Curious, he got up and walked to the window, thinking he could use a break from the summer work his teachers forced upon him. Being the top student at Greensboro College meant he had little freedom, and the small window overlooking the park was his only respite most days.
You know... something like that. You don't need the fly...
posted
I agree. Start with the action. It's hard to draw me in with a character's ruminations that really mean nothing to me (YET). But I have even more difficulty with your second passage.
quote:Although it was his favourite subject, Saverio really wasn’t interested in learning, let alone writing, about the ways of Clinical Psychology. He doesn’t care if people have psychological problems, why should he help them?
Besides the change in tense... How can this be his favorite subject if he doesn't care? And why would he stick with a Degree program, moving through 3 certificates already, if he doesn't care about people's problems and doesn't want to help them?
So far I don't know anything about where this is actually going. I would suggest starting with action, as HSO said, that has some important bearing on the plot. Work in his thoughts and history later, after we are emotionally tied to whatever it is that the story will be about.
posted
What's the story about? "Being frustrated at having to study" wouldn't be too interesting to me. I'm guessing you've got something better. Maybe, but not certainly, you shoudl start there.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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quote:Besides the change in tense... How can this be his favorite subject if he doesn't care? And why would he stick with a Degree program, moving through 3 certificates already, if he doesn't care about people's problems and doesn't want to help them?
To answer that question, in the degree program, which is General Psychology, he has to complete either 'mini-courses' during the Advanced Degree course. Clinical Psychology is one of those 'mini-courses' in which Saverio has no interest in. I'm trying to show that he doesn't want to help people with psychological problems because he doesn't about anyone but himself. Maybe not a good look for the protagonist but I'm planning for him to 'get over it' later in the story when he has to save his family from a Necromancer (a mage which deals in death magic).
quote:What's the story about? "Being frustrated at having to study" wouldn't be too interesting to me. I'm guessing you've got something better. Maybe, but not certainly, you shoudl start there.
The story of the... story... is that Saverio posesses an ancient and often-ridiculed magic art of Divination, which enables him to unlock secrets of the past, predict the future, and see items cloaked or hidden by magic. No one thinks it is actually a magic; they all just think he's great at Footy Tipping (a competition where you try and pick the winners for the weekend's upcoming games). When something happens at a party, and he sees several things before they happen, and also has a premonition, Saverio is rejected by Volo's University of Magic for not posessing a 'real power'. His Psychology teacher, a Diviner himself, offers to help Saverio learn the ways of this ancient and forgotten art and to learn to harness it so he can only do it when needed.
That's the basic story so far, I haven't quite figured out how to put the Antagonist into it yet, but after all, this is a 'Fragments' board =)!
[This message has been edited by Ezuma (edited June 15, 2005).]
posted
Ok, well I had no idea that this had magic and fantastic elements at all. I would definitely start with something that has more bearing on the plot. Shooing flies and whining about Clinical Psychology just won't hold my attention long enough to find out the rest.
Posts: 239 | Registered: May 2005
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Based on Clinical Psychology and all that, I figured this would be some sort of medical/crime story. There is no HINT of the plot in your lead.
Other people have mentioned the importance of not hiding things from your reader to be clever. I'm just saying that as it stands, I would not read further. If I did, I would probably be sorely disappointed to find that the story was not about what it seemed to present itself as based on the lead or hook. They are not even remotely related. And that discrepency is not an effective writing tool, IMO.
I don't mean to undermine your perspective or anything. I'm just telling you how I respond as a reader.
quote:When something happens at a party, and he sees several things before they happen, and also has a premonition, Saverio is rejected by Volo's University of Magic for not posessing a 'real power'.
I don't understand. Surely premonition or prescience is a real power! Since I don't follow, I'm not sure if the party is the place to start.
Saverio will be struggling with something (or I won't be interested). Where's his struggle? Maybe it starts at the party.
quote:I don't understand. Surely premonition or prescience is a real power!
To get this answer out of the way before I ask my own... Divination is seen by many as a false pretence for predicting deaths and yada yada yada. The head mages of the University are not holding the Divination course at the Uni because they feel it is utter bull****, so will not take on Saverio.
Now that that's done.... here's my question... I started Saverio off as a Pyschology student because Divination is based a lot on the brain, so if Saverio is very interested in Psychology, and was taking this course, there is at least one person who would believe he is a Diviner (his teacher). Is having Saverio unwise to this power a good idea, or should he know he posesses this power, and hence takes up the Psychology course so he can figure out why he (and other people) would posess such a power?
posted
Saverio was working on his psychology assignment when he heard the ruckus outside. Curious, he got up and walked to the window, thinking he could use a break from the summer work his teachers forced upon him. Being the top student at Curtin University meant he had little freedom, and the small window overlooking the courtyard was his only respite most days.
He smiled as the soft, cool breeze slapped his face, and observed his fellow students relaxing during their enjoyable, albeit short, summer break. He wished he was out there. Alas, he was locked in again, slaving away his summer with another assignment.
I guess it’s worth it, Saverio thought to himself. All worth it in the end. He left his window open to allow some fresh air into the room before cracking his knuckles on the desk, picking up his pen, and shuffling through this seemingly endless pile of paper.
Thanks to HSO for the introduction... you don't mind if I use it do you?
[This message has been edited by Ezuma (edited June 16, 2005).]
posted
wow this has the makings of a short story. the characters point of view is really reflected without the narrator being very noticable. i don't notice any bias from you. why exactly though have you made it seem like he's vittually the only student inside working (like he's been forced) and all the other students are free to enjoy their break? Is he supposed to be jealous and exaggerating?
Posts: 136 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Do you guys feel that the name of a character is really important?
Rusta has been trying to talk me out of naming the protagonist as Saverio Tadgh Leoncelli Didier because he thinks it's too 'multicultural'.
Saverio is Portugese Tadgh (pronounced Tige) is Irish, and it's his grandfather's name Leoncelli (pronounced Lee-on-chelly) is Italian, it's his mother's maiden name Didier is French
Do you think he has too many 'multicultural' or is the name so unimportant that no one will notice?
[This message has been edited by Ezuma (edited June 16, 2005).]
posted
I think Rusta is right. It's too much, and the names are so unrelated that it sounds like you're trying to be funny.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
The name is definatly too confusing. Simple is best.
As to the beginning....I always like stories that start with the reason I'm there--ya know reading. Why did this writer feel this would make a good book? Why do I care about his character. Maybe try starting with the main character having a vision, or a dream. Get me excited. I don't care that he has to study. I want to know why he's important. Maybe he could study in chapter two.
posted
Hey, pixy, that's not actually a bad idea, seeming as he's a Diviner, maybe he could be having a dream/premonition and he suddenly wakes up to his alarm... he needs to study.
posted
Sure. Your writing is good you just throw me into the story at the wrong place.
I like your idea about the alarm. Just make sure to have the dream or vision pertain to what's going to happen in the story. Everything you write--especially at the beginning has to take your story further.
I don't really know enough about your story to say much more. What I have said may be superfluous as it is. But I hope it helps.
posted
I am trying to introduce Saverio as a student, a Psychology student. So, to interest more people, you're saying I should start him off with a vision... this vision will probably be the main plot for the rest of the story... and have him wake up to his alarm or something, and he needs to do something for school?
posted
No, but seeming as he is a Diviner, who often has uncontrolled visions, and I'm being told to start in the action.
Posts: 44 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Listen, don't get too worried about it, just try a few different things.
First sit down and try to picture the guy. Remember, he doesn't have to be sitting at the begining of the story. Have him coming in the door (in the doorm or wherever he lives) from his last day at classes and running into his roommate (interaction)--talking with his friends--recognising someone he'd seen in a vision (these are all just examples). The only glitch is he has to be furthering the story. And remember action is more intriging than thought most of the time. And conflict. This is vastly important too.
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