posted
Ok so i'm new at this whole getting my story critiqued so could you be kind hehe. Anyway here's the first bit of the story...
It all starts with a girl named Ellie Beckingfield, a 14 year old girl who has mouse brown hair that comes down to her shoulders and crystal ice blue eyes that has a glassy look in them. Ellie lives with her family in a little town called Lilydale. The small, quiet town is known for its beautiful flowers, dark green grass and the forest which is at the top of the steepest hill in the area. In-front of the forest is a two-story house that has luscious rose beds, dark green grass and a cream painted picket fence that goes with the terracotta tiles on the roof. This house belongs to the Beckingfield’s and they are well known for living there. The family is one of the most popular families in the area because of the hard work that Mr and Mrs Beckingfield put into the buildings and the events like the yearly Lilydale Show. Ellie was sitting on the garden bench in the backyard on Saturday morning looking through the family photo album when she found a photo that brought back memories. As soon as she saw the photo tears started to dwell, slowly running down her face. It was a photo of herself sitting on the bench with the one person she missed most; her 13 year old sister, Cassie. Cassie was a lot like her sister; she had the same colour mouse brown hair, and the same skin complexion. The difference between the sisters was their eye colour; Cassie’s are brown.
[This message has been edited by LeGLeSs (edited June 16, 2005).]
posted
The description at the beginning does not hook me. The point of a description is to paint an atmosphere, or introduce a particular narrative voice, or to give us an idea of the characters' surroundings. Your description feels like a extract from a guidebook or a local newspaper. It is too dry to be interesting, especially since it is long. If all of this matters to the story, try describing it from Ellie's POV, or to hint that something is going to be interesting (the forest, for instance, but I haven't read the story so I can't tell)
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited June 16, 2005).]
posted
hmm well i have come to the conclusion that the start of the story is pretty dodgy.... so dodgy that theres no comments.....
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Thing is, I don't care about the color of the eyes (although I do like knowing the rose beds are "luscious"). (BTW, "glassy" eyes to me mean boredom, and that's not the best thing to suggest to readers -- we're suggestible!)
I'd say the issue is: where to start? What's the story about? If it's about the sister's death, and you're about to do a flashback, I suggest starting with the death story. If it's about the girl's recovery from grief, that may not be such a gripping plot for me, but it would make sense to start there.
posted
with the eyes being glassy i was trying to put across that they reflected images... ok i don't know how to put it. I'll have to think about that.
With the sister she isn't actually dead Ellie and her parents have thought cassie to be dead but she isn't, which is revealved later on in the story. But yes i do agree there's too much description about Ellie but i liked the bit about the tears dwelling, slwoly running down her face (if i do say so myself :P) thankyou for you feedback
posted
To me, how well this works depends on the word count goal. If this is a short story, I'm already bored. If this is a novel, I'm interested.
Your voice is different than most of what is posted here, and I find it in the style (though far from the mastary) of Tolkien.
Some of my more successful short stories have used a detached voice like this. There is inherently nothing wrong with. The bit question is where do the next 13 takes us?
posted
I did find my eyes glossing over at the description intro, too. And I wasn't keen on "It all starts with..." I could be, if I knew what was starting.
It seemed to me like the best place to start (and this is where my eyes immediately focused in) was "Ellie was sitting..." I think [when she found a photo that brought back memories] should be deleted. The sentence is long enough, and most photos bring back memories. I'd suggest dropping that and going straight to "As soon as she saw the photo, tears started to ..." and I think it would be 'swell' or something similar. Dwell seems to be the wrong word. (Dwell = to live or to focus attention on).
quote: It was a photo of herself sitting on the bench with the one person she missed most; her 13 year old sister, Cassie. Cassie was a lot like her sister; she had the same colour mouse brown hair, and the same skin complexion.
The semicolon should probably be a dash or something. 'Her 13 yr old sister, Cassie' is a fragment. As I read this, though, I got confused. "Her 13 yr old sister, Cassie. Cassie was a lot like her sister; she..." I was thinking, I thought she WAS her sister... I figured it out as I read along, but I'd say she was a lot like -Ellie- or she looked like her or something.
But I am still left wondering what the story is about. I think crying over the photo would be a better hook for the beginning, because then I'd want to know what happened to Cassie. I don't really care what everything looks like or how well known the Beckingfields are for living in a two-story house, unless there's something SINISTER or OMINOUS that happened to Cassie there during the Lilydale show or something.
Obviously you don't need to reveal that she's alive right away, but I definitely wouldn't bury a good hook like that.
quote:come on silver3, not all storys are written with that plot format. i think its a well told character story.
Apparently a 16 year old knows better than a WOTF quarter finalist and published author.
We're not here to praise each other, rusta. We're here to learn. I would think that, considering your and Ezuma and Legless's ages, you still have a lot to learn.
I wholeheartedly concur with everything Silver3 had to say.
posted
Well I think Ahavah said most of what needed to be said. Except I'll just add an excersize that might help you in your writing. Pick up your three favorite books and read the first page of each one. Now you have to REALLY read them. Look at the sentece structure and the POV. The character and where we first see him/her. It wouldn't be a bad idea to look at more book beginnings, but just to keep it simple start with three.
All this story needs is to be sharpened. The first paragraph is really just your notes on the character. The reader would really rather find all this out another way.
Also you said mouse brown hair twice. Even though its a paragraph apart it stands out. Besides the fact that hair color is superlative. We really could get a better picture of the character by knowing a "stand out" characteristic. Example: hair that won't corroperate, or eyes that always look down. Forget color for now and focus on feelings--mood. Your reader will be able to relate better to flesh and blood than a photo.
posted
hmmm i'm having alot of troubles describing the setting but at the same to not give tooooo much description like i have been. Anyway this is what I have so far...PLEASE PLEASE give me some suggestions on how i can put this without it going on and on and on .. it will be greatly appreciated
Ellie sat on the garden bench found at the back of the garden with the luscious rose beds,as she looked through the family photo album. It was quiet. Birds were chirping from the forest behind her as she slowly turned the pages of the photo album. Then something caught her eye. Turning the page back she found a photo of herself sitting on that very garden bench with her younger sister.
[This message has been edited by LeGLeSs (edited June 17, 2005).]
posted
Start with the photo being found. This way seems too quiet for no reason. There is strong dramatic potential in the finding of the photo, and it should be immediate.
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