posted
Here's a beginning sketch I just started. See what ya think...
Heidi could see the man standing at the foot of her bed again. The hood of his jacket shadowed his face. The air turned cold, mist drifting from her breath, and she knew he was angry at her for what she had done. She shouldn’t have told her mommy. She should have pretended like before. But she had forgotten. She thought the man at the door that morning had been real. It wasn’t until her mommy went to the door and said nobody was there that Heidi realized her mistake. Because she saw the man. Older and hunched over. Mumbling under his breath. There was blood on his shirt. Spattered like little crimson drops had fallen on his shoulders.
Her mommy had said to stop telling stories. That it was wrong to lie. She never seemed to believe. But Heidi knew what a lie was. And these people that she saw were not lies. Least of all this hooded man.
Okay, is this just too cliche? I don't want it to be..."I see dead people" or anything. It's really about a girl learning she's a medium, but at first her parents think they're house is haunted. Chairs move, a dog dies...you get the idea. It's generally freaky. I've never wrtiten scary before so I may be horrible at it...let me know.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited June 17, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited June 18, 2005).]
posted
Good, so you liked it. Is it a little creepy--alot creepy? The thought of this man standing at the end of my bed has always freaked me out and last night I just had to write it down.
Do you mean cut paragraph three?
"And now he’d come to warn her. She could feel his threat, like ice in the air. Each time Heidi slipped and told a piece of the truth the hooded man became more angry. He didn’t want her mommy to know about him. He liked being a secret."
I can see how this is repetition of paragraph one...thanks...it's outta there.
Sorry I went over. I thought it was 13 when I counted. I'll cut that paragraph and it'll be the right number.
There's actually only a few more paragraphs. I hoped to write some more tonight. When I'm further along I'l probably ask for more input. I'll keep you in mind.
posted
The imagery is certainly effective - there's a real chill in what is clearly a child seeing a man at the foot of her bed (and more so because of the casual "again"), who's angry at her. And who then turns out to be possibly dead.
However, I fear that Sixth Sense has indeed made it difficult to do an "I see dead people" story without people making that connection, and then bringing all the baggage over. I'm not sure how to disentangle yourself from that...
posted
Pixydust, you've still got 20 lines. The 13 lines should be in standard manuscript format. That means 1" margins, 12 point, Courier font. (Any non-proportional would be okay, but proportional fonts, like Times Roman or almost anything else on your computer [with maybe half a dozen exceptions], is not.)
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
The paragraph I thought was redundant was "Her mommy said..." I thought everything I saw there had been said before.
No, I wasn't creeped out, because the girl doesn't seem to be, too much. She's not freaking out and terrified that Mommy won't protect her because Mommy doesn't believe. But I'm ok with being creeped out or not, as long as I get to find out about the man nobody else can see. (NOw when I go to bed tonight, it may be a different matter.)
posted
I feel that this is starting in the wrong place. Instead of telling us what happened before, maybe it would be better to start with either the very first ghost she sees or the first time she sees the man at the door.
While there's some tension in the below, it feels forced and contrived to me. I'm not sure how else to explain that. But it feels wrong.
quote:Heidi could see the man standing at the foot of her bed again.
Key word here is "again." There could be far more tension if we see the man for the first time.
quote:The air turned cold, mist drifting from her breath, and she knew he was angry at her for what she had done.
I don't know if the Sixth Sense started the angry ghosts and cold mist thing, but considering that's a huge clue in the movie that something bad is about to happen, I'd skip it. Even if you're borrowing from the "Cold Spot" theory of ghosts and not the Sixth Sense, it still feels like you're taking from the movie -- and perhaps creating that cliché you are worried about.
quote:She shouldn’t have told her mommy. She should have pretended like before.
I would like to see this happen as it happens, not after the fact. The reason is that I will start to empathize with the girl's plight, feel bad because no one believes her.
quote:Older and hunched over. Mumbling under his breath. There was blood on his shirt. Spattered like little crimson drops had fallen on his shoulders.
Older than who? Heidi? Her mommy? Consider going with "old", as this is not a comparison. "Older" is almost always followed by a comparison: "Bill is older than Joe."
quote:Her mommy had said to stop telling stories. That it was wrong to lie. She never seemed to believe.
Again, beating the mostly-dead horse, this would be good to see as it happens. In effect, you've started your story with what amounts to a cumulative flashback. We learn more about what happened than what is actually happening now. Consider rolling back your story a bit.
Or, don't tell us so much back-story and let the old, hooded man at the foot of her bed do his thing first.
Just some things to consider. Good luck.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited June 18, 2005).]
First lines, IMO, are very important, and I stumbled over this one.
There are too many possible meanings to it.
Heidi could see the man standing at the foot of her bed again.
It could mean: 1. Heidi could see the man, who became hidden from view, standing at the foot of her bed again. 2. Heidi could see the man, standing at the foot of her bed, when she opened her eyes again. 3. Heidi could see the man, who had stood there once before, standing at the foot of her bed a second time. 4. Heidi could see the man, who always stood at the foot of her bed, again.
Depending on which you mean, it might be a good idea to start with an even more active first line(s) to clarify. IE:
Heidi opened her eyes again. He was still standing there. Why wouldn't he just go away?
OR,
Heidi sat up and looked at the man standing at the foot of her bed. She had seen him before.
OR,
The man standing at the foot of Heidi's bed faded and flickered and disappeared. She sighed with relief, dropped her head to her pillow and pulled the covers up as high as they would reach. Why won't they just stay away? she thought. She lay there until the air beneath the blankets became stifling. She took a deep breath and folded them down. There he was again.
posted
Something HSO said: yes, it would be way cool to start this the first time the man appeared at the foot of the bed.
Another way of saying it: is this milieu, idea, character, or event? What you've got so far suggests event. Event stories, they say, start when something disturbs the universe. What disturbs this little girls' universe, that leads to your story? Maybe it's the man no one can see. Or maybe it's something that happens in which the man plays a part. Whatever it is, you should likely start there for more impact.
posted
This is all good stuff. Thanks guys! I'm gonna chew on this one and see what happens. As I wrote last night the story kind of took a strange turn, so I may just change the beginning like you said; go back and see what turns up. Then I'm gonna need readers... Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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