Tourist Season (working title)

So I guess the first of the Tourists must’ve started poking their heads in around May that year, but it’s like they weren’t all that noticeable ‘til there got to be more of 'em. I mean, shortish and widish don’t really get you noticed in Indy, especially not during race season. And to be perfectly honest, there’s always much weirder-looking folks running around that ain’t even foreign. Hell, I even had a couple in my bar when we got our first Tourist.

I wouldn’t even have noticed them at all if Jess, my weekend help, hadn’t sidled over to me, pretending to look for a bottle of Jack.

“Those folks’re oddities,” she said out of the corner of her mouth, found her bottle, and went back to her side of the bar.

She was right, but I didn’t end up making too much of it at that time. I snuck glances at them the whole time they was there, though. They was kinda stocky, with weird eyes and tiny mouths. One of ‘em was trying to look at everything at once, and the other was following Jess around with his eyes as she worked. I guess that was what stuck those folks in my mind; I was trying to remember their faces to describe to the cops in case they bugged Jess when her shift ended in a half hour.

Thanks!

A couple of things; I think "but it's like they weren't all that noticeable..." would read better if the negative was upfront; "but it ain't like they were all that noticeable..."; and Jess's use of "oddities" does itself seem odd - "those folks're kinda weird" or "strange" might sound more in keeping, though Im clearly making assumptions about Jess' vocabulary and speech style based on almost not informatoin whatsoever - just the milieu of the bar she's working in.

Spaceman, it looks like you have plenty on your plate already. With your permission, I'll give you a miss for now. Maybe I'll catch you next time!

Anyone else want to help me out? Let me know; I can use all the feedback I can get.