Judging from the positive critiques, the original might be near my best short story. Which might not be saying much. I'm trying to revise it.
Originally, it was 1P present tense. From reading OSC's Characters and Viewpoint, I've learned the 3PL past tense can have the same immediacy.
Now for the revision I'm searching for another opening. I might post several potential opening to see if I am on the right track. -------------------------------------------------- The vast mind lit the horizon, vaster than anything Jim had encountered. The sight beneath his sight displayed a greenish fog. It was searching... searching... A yellow pinpoint emerged. Jim’s heart skipped a beat. He was the yellow pinpoint. The mind was approaching and it was coming for him.
He signaled for the waiter. “I’ll take the check.”
The manager rushed over, eyeing Jim’s half-eaten plate. A grayish eddy churned about the man. Perhaps, worry. It wasn’t everyday a celebrity ate here. “Is there a problem, Sir?”
Jim flashed his made-for-television smile. “Everything was great. Just don’t want to be late for my big return.”
posted
The first paragraph was rather unclear. I think that might be what you're going for, and I can accept a vast mind that searches for people, but I don't understand the way Jim can tell what the vast mind is doing. I mainly struggled with the first sentence. Is the mind or the horizon vaster than anything Jim had encountered? And how can Jim tell that it's so vast, if all he can see is a greenish fog beneath his line of vision?
However, everything else pretty much gelled. I especially like the "made-for-television smile". But I cannot imagine a grayish eddy churning about someone. Unless Jim can see waves of color that reflect emotion or something. Maybe change to: "The manager rushed over. When he saw Jim's plate was only half-eaten, he paled. Worry, Jim guessed -- it wasn't every day a celebrity ate here."
Unless you're planning on clearing everything up soon, I might either rewrite or omit the first paragraph. The fact that Jim is a celebrity is enough of a hook for me, and it could be better not to throw the mind stuff at your readers right off the bat. Just my opinion, of course.
[This message has been edited by Alexis (edited June 29, 2005).]
posted
Ah, I see. In that case all I'd do is omit the unecessary comma in "perhaps, worry". Knowing now that Jim is an empath, I'm more for saving the mind thing for later. My suggestion is to focus on making Jim's ability clear before you throw another curveball at the reader.
Edit: What's RUE? I wasn't going to ask to hide my ignorance, but I figured I'd have to learn these writerly terms sooner or later.
[This message has been edited by Alexis (edited June 29, 2005).]
I would rephrase that to something like: the vista beneath his sight... and the first paragraph does more to confuse than it does to hook me. The sci-fi/fantasy theme feels incongruent with the mundane man-in-a-diner thing that immediately follows. I recommend either a transition paragraph, or lop it off and use it later when we have a framework for the context.
posted
The first paragraph gave me the image of someone standing in a flat, deserted landscape and staring at colored clouds at the division between the earth and an empty sky. Because of this, it really jarred me when he turned to a waiter.
If this seems like a problem to you, I'd fix it in one of two ways: either find a different word than "horizon" (I thought you were talking about the actual horizon, not a metaphor for distance...), or put a very obvious transition in when the waiter arrives on the scene. Perhaps you could say something about jolting himself back into the real world?
Looks interesting!
[This message has been edited by Jeraliey (edited June 29, 2005).]
posted
The transition made me chuckle--which I hope is your intent--and snagged me. That this man, experiencing some time out of body/mind expansion experience is partaking a relatively normal pastime, like eating in a restaurant. On the outside, he is common, on the inside...
But that's where I was thrown off. On inside--I had to read it three times before I really felt I’d begun to grasp it. And even then, I'm not sure my interpretation is in synch with the author’s.
He seemed, from my viewpoint, to be experiencing some cosmic expansion of consciousness, wherein he could see his "little self" like a pinpoint, which he eventually merges with and returns to our mundane consciousness (which you illustrate nicely by signalling for a check and the TV-smile).
The repetition of the keywords (e.g. pinpoint, vast, etc.) didn't work for me, especially not in a third person narrative (it would be acceptable if it was a particular character's voice).
I felt like I couldn't get my footing, right there at the first paragraph. I think if it read clearer, it would still be mysterious and probably more engaging.
Either way, I'd like to read the rest of it. If you are looking for feedback on the entire story, please e-mail me a copy.
posted
WEll, I read it once and it made sense to me from the first. There were a couple of clartiy issues, but they were mostly at the start. There was a jarring sensation upon encountering the diner, but then that is what he POV character experienced, so in that sense it fits well with what yo uare establishing here. The empath thing did not come across well ,but then this is just the first 13 so I'm willing to wair for some explanation of this man's abilities.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
It doesn't usually happen, but this time I felt differently from most other critiquers. Nit: I think the comma in "Perhaps, worry" is fine -- maybe "Worry, perhaps" would feel more natural.
Non-nit: I like your R.U.E., Chris! I got that the greyish eddy was the sight-beneath-sight (and I understood this well as some paranormal ability). I get that he seems emotion as color, and is being pursued by another force with psychic abilities.
But here's the problem: I was only just now willing to read it, because I saw these opening lines, thought it was some sort of philosophical nonsense of telling-not-showing, and wasn't interested. Once I took the trouble, I saw that you were dead on, but initially I wasn't willing to take the trouble. So if other readers are like me, you'll need some way of NOT pushing them away to start with, making them think you're being abstract.
I'm not sure what that way is. I'm about to make a shot a it, though:
-- JIM WAS BEING PURSUED. A vast mind lit the horizon, vaster than anything Jim had encountered. The sight beneath his sight displayed IT AS a greenish fog. It was searching... searching... A yellow pinpoint emerged. Jim’s heart skipped a beat. He was the yellow pinpoint. [The mind was approaching and] it was coming for him. -- This just puts the danger on line 1, which might help. It's still a little airy, so I'm not sure it would get past my bias.
You might also give more concrete detail in the restaurant scene, since the first paragraph is so airy.
everyday -> every day
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited July 01, 2005).]
posted
Concept-wise, this is a sound opening. But you do have some minor language/technique glitches that are undermining the clarity of what you're doing here.
The"sight beneath his sight" thing is an example. "Perhaps, worry" is another. Although the latter is more grammatically incorrect, the former is worse. Both need fixin'.
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