posted
This is a vicious little passage that I have wanted to write for some time. There's more to it following driectly on from these first lines but I haven't written those yet! It's all firmly in my head though (the jumbled mess that it is)...
The two young boys, eyes darting, arms flailing, careered on madly through the dark frigid woods.
Wind whipped the dusty snow into their faces and tugged at their hair as they ran. The taller of the two brothers, Jared, was slightly ahead as he risked a glance back at their pursuer.
He immediately wished he hadn’t as the beast was closing. He could just make out its silhouette through a break in the trees. It prowled on two long legs, hooves thumping rhythmically as they ate up the ground. Its glare was fixed on him, he knew. Snorting plumes of rancid breathe it bent low and screamed.
Jared’s legs betrayed him and he stumbled head long into a tree. Dazed, he tried to rise but slumped back to the ground with a groan. His heart pounded in his chest and he was sweating despite the cold. His body shook uncontrollably. Blood was seeping from a cut into his eyes making them gritty and blurring his vision as he searched frantically for his brother.
posted
I assume the first sentence should have the work careened instead of careered.
It flows well for me until the last paragraph, where he hits the tree. I'm pulled out of the story because the beast seems to be too close for the slow action of faling down and looking for his brother. Seems he should be eaten already.
posted
"Career" is fine, as well as "careen". The latter was originally a specific nautical term, referring to a ship tilting on its side (either deliberately - you can careen a ship in order to clean under the waterline - or under way, if the vessel turns crosswind), but has also acquired a different meaning very much in line with the verb form of "career".
((I was clearly typing this in at the same time as Beth!))
The opening scene is all about pace and danger. I'm not sure we need to be slowed down by information like "the taller of the brothers". Just let us know that "Jared was ahead of his brother" - that gives us one character name and a relationship without distracting us from the breathless atmosphere you need to be creating here.
The beast is intriguing - on two legs, but with hooves, which means it isn't the obvious choice (werewolf). I think you mean "breath" rather than "breathe", and I'm not sure about using "rancid" here, either - in a sense, you're telling us something that Jared and his brother are unlikely to know, unless it's really close, which it doesn't appear to be. "Screamed" is also an interesting choice - screaming often connotates pain or frustration or fear, as well as anger. I find it slightly distracting - I shouldn't be wondering about what the creature is feeling, I should just be afraid of it.
Fresh blood wouldn't make his eyes gritty (and clearly must be coming from a cut), so why not just settle for "...blood was seeping into his eyes, blurring his vision..."; again, more concise, helping to maintain the sense of pace and urgency.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited July 05, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited July 05, 2005).]
posted
I second what Spacemen said. All those things made me stumble a bit too. Especially the screaming beast. You can scream in rage but you would need to specify that and I don't think it would sound right in this passage because it would add too much bulk to the action.
My second pick is at the first sentence. I'm afraid I always get thrown when the first thing I read has a lot of adjectives, adverbs, and commas. Yours isn't that bad but here's what I think:
"The two young boys ((probably don't need to say young here--boys tend to be young )), eyes darting, arms flailing, ((If it were me I would cut the darting eyes and the flailing arms and stick them in another sentence*)) careered on madly through the dark frigid ((I would pick just one to describe the wood))woods."
"The two boys careered (or careened) madly through the dark woods. Their eyes darted from tree to tree as they ran...." Just as an example.
These are just nit-picks of mine. On a whole I felt it read well and it definitely hooked me. A monster with two legs and hooves? I love it! I can't wait to see what it is.
The breath issue didn't sit well with me when I wrote it. You're quite right in saying they wouldn't be able to smell it.
I also take the 'pace' points too so far as slow down is concerned.
I don't agree with the blood in the eyes comment though. I have experienced just that recently and to me it felt sandy and rough, maybe that's unusual though...
posted
By the way the beast is bipedal, legs like a goat with a reptilian upper torso, tallons on longish arms etc.
He chases the boys to the edge of the woods. One of the two runs out, the other stops. The one who leaves suddenly finds all his facial features have been erased...he has no face at all and he dies of suffocation clawing at his skin.
The beast drifts off into the woods again leaving the second boy unharmed and contemplating his 'escape'.
That's the idea anyway...not written it yet though!!!
posted
You might have had sand in your eyes as well as blood...that happens. Mostly, it just gets sticky. Also, the blood tends to clot in the sinus tube or whatever and makes your eyes all teary. That can probably feel gritty, and it certainly blurs your vision.
Open with your POV. That's the first thing.
It's hard to say much else, but I think that you need....pace is as good a term as any. You need to pay more attention to how your description affects the action. Like how your pursuing monster is silhouetted in that break in the trees long enough for Jared to see that it is "prowling" on two legs, etc. Jared has time to slump to the ground with a groan and notice his pounding heart and shaking body before looking for his brother, even though this thing is supposed to be right on top of him.
To an extent, I think that the pacing problems are also rooted in poor POV control. So work on the POV.
posted
I gotta jump in here and say although career can be defined to the desired meaning of this sentence, it does not sound natural to me either. It might be worth addressing.
posted
It sounds okay to me, but I read a lot of older works. One thing I'll add to the discussion, "career" implies a certain amount of momentum and danger to bystanders. Like, a car or bull would go "careering" down a busy street, a sparrow or paper airplane would not. Young boys running through the woods...iffy but okay.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Here goes... this is my first attempt at this but...
I read the first sentence and invisioned two boys on a sled, speeding down a snow covered hill. Not exactly what I got when you explained that they were running. I think the arms flailing got me.. when I run my arms do not whip about in a uncontroled motion but are pumping in rhythum with my legs...
I agree about the pace.. and having time to look for the brother.
As I read the passage, I mentally changed career to careen. I guess that was my logical choice so, when I read it I substituted the word.
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)), eyes darting, arms flailing, ((If it were me I would cut the darting eyes and the flailing arms and stick them in another sentence*)) careered on madly through the dark frigid ((I would pick just one to describe the wood))woods."
