posted
Gulp. Here goes. This is the first 13 of a story I'm currently polishing. It's 8500 words. I'd love your impressions. ------------------
Ray was already awake when the clock radio came on. The Magic Flute. He let himself float away on the music until the DJ stomped on the final exquisite chord. Karl Sonata, back on mornings again. Didn’t Frank banish that baboon to graveyard?
He turned the tuner a fraction and Karl Sonata got very tinny. Another flick of the thumb and he winked out altogether. Ray grinned. Bye-bye Karl.
Ray hated changing stations, but loyalty goes only so far. He slid his legs over the edge of the bed and sat blinking at the phone. Maybe it was time to call Frank again, offer to come back, help him get the station back on track. No — Frank was an idiot too. Bureaucrat from radio hell. What was it Frank said last time Ray called? Yes, Ray, I understand how you feel. I really do. And how could I not? Hell Ray, you founded this place.
Damn right.
But, Ray, times have changed since you retired. We’ve got to compete with the personalities on the commercial stations now, and...
posted
Interesting concept. Mozart being played by a hoi poloi DJ, apparently because of the commercialization of a formerly non-profit radio station.
It goes well with the title, too. Or am I perhaps overly subtle?
Unfortunately, my main impression is that it's just a tiny bit elitist priggy in tone. Ray might need a little more personal vigor and passion. You know, lest he be seen as an effete snob.
But I'd keep reading, albeit with sheilds up and weapons free The language has a good flavor and a mix of strong and sensitive distinctions are present right from the start. And the concept, while not completely original, does have room for a new look or two.
posted
Nice way of letting us know up front what the characters investment is. I think you could "show" the DJ stomping on the end of the song rather than just "telling" us. The editor ghosts scream to me that the name of the song should be underlined or in " " or something like that. You can tell that Ray is a old, tired, onry, ex radio man and that is good in those few lines up front
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Even though I do it myself, I think the "somebody wakes up in the morning and then has a flashback" beginning is generally a very bad idea. It's a lot of work to write yourself out of such a beginning, but it is worth the effort.
For one thing, EVERYBODY does it. For another, there is no urgency for us, the audience. No immediate conflict. Nothing is actually *happening*.
If I were an editor I would not continue to read this.
Here's my suggestion: Devise a totally different opening to convey the same information (radio station politics) with a sense of conflict and urgency. Two people arguing? The conversation you flash on between Frank and Ray?
[This message has been edited by Troy (edited July 06, 2005).]
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You got me, Troy. I've heard the advice a million times and still got caught in the "guy wakes up in the morning" trap. Here's the revised version. Would your editor still put it down now?
Thanks for all the other comments too. I know it's an investment at 8000+ words, but I would be interested in some readers. ________________________
Ray sat down to write a letter to his son. He wrote, “Dear Ian,” and then sat for a long time staring at the white expanse on the page. When the *Magic Flute* came on the radio he closed his eyes and floated away on the music. Until the DJ cut in right before the final chord. Oh joy. Karl Sonata was back on mornings again.
Ray picked up the phone and dialed the station. “Frank?” he said, too loudly.
“Yes. Hello Ray.”
“I thought you were going to banish that baboon to graveyard, Frank. What’s he doing stomping all over my Mozart?”
“Listen Ray, people like Karl. He’s funny.”
“People like Cheeze Whiz, Frank. People are idiots.”
“I understand how you feel, Ray. I really do. And how could I not? Hell Ray, you *founded* this place.”
Damn right.
“But, Ray, times have changed since you retired. We’ve got to compete with the personalities on the commercial stations, and . . .”
posted
I liked both versions, but the second is better. I think you are tagging the dialog inside the dialog a little too much. to me, thats something that should be done sparingly or it sounds artificial.
posted
"Can you give us a hint about what he's going to write to Ian about?"
He is writing his regular weekly attempt at reconciliation, but he thinks better of it (since he never gets a reply) and calls Ian instead. It doesn't go well.
posted
People generally don't use other people's names so much when talking. It also gets irritating to read. Use names for emphasis.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Actually, I'm torn. I liked the first version better, but the awakening part is slightly clichéd. But the dialogue in the second one sounded too forced to be natural (and speech tag critics have a big point. Use "he said", it will sound less contrived). Can't you just change the bit where he awakes to some other activity? Oh, and I forgot: if you need some readers, I'm game. Just don't be in a hurry, because I don't have a stable connection right now.
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited July 07, 2005).]
posted
I don't have a problem with starting a scene at the beginning of a scene, even if the beginning of the scene happens to be when the POV character wakes up.
I do have a problem with "As you know, Ray" expositive dialogue. So the second version scored very low for me. It also makes Ray sound even more elitist, which means I'd be less likely to continue to read.
posted
You make a good point about the "wake-up" issue. Will editors see it that way?
As for the elitist-priggish thing, I'm going to have to pay the price for that one, because that's an essential part of Ray's character and critical to the development of the story. Whether he ultimately is sympathetic enough to make it worth most readers' time remains to be seen I guess.
posted
I liked the basic premise of the first opening, but I don't know how many stories I myself have written with "George woke up." If it's a short story, you want to start with action, but I also agree that you need to start at a beginning. Maybe if you have Ray already doing something and listening to the radio, and then Karl comes up, and then the flashback happens. The flashback is initiated, the train of thought has a real beginning, but you've started with movement, not just an awakening.
As far as the elitist snob, for some reason, when I read your opening, I was reminded of Willy Loman from "Death of a Salesman." The old man in the business who remembers the old days and how things used to be, but has been left in the dust. We never really like Willy, but we understand him and pity him. Maybe you can use a similar trick to get the audience to want to read about Ray.
posted
This character is a real gem. I think he's deeply hurt and what comes out as elitist snobbery is actually a guy just looking for a reaction. The people he loves no longer react to him. He is powerless to control what was once his domain.
He can't accept that the world has moved on.
He is no longer the great man. And he can't come to terms with that.
Very deep character, when you actually read the story.
This should have no problem getting published when it's finished.
quote:"Can you give us a hint about what he's going to write to Ian about?"
He is writing his regular weekly attempt at reconciliation, but he thinks better of it (since he never gets a reply) and calls Ian instead. It doesn't go well.
Actually I meant that I thought you should have a POV shot of what he's going to write about, but didn't want to make a flat out suggestion so I used the rhetoric question route and got caught.
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The language has a good flavor and a mix of strong and sensitive distinctions are present right from the start. And the concept, while not completely original, does have room for a new look or two.
