posted
Fantasy, 5,600 words. I'm looking for readers for the whole thing, but any comments on just the opening are also welcome (openings not being my specialty).
# The body of Videshe lay at the precise centre of the room. At first I could not even go near it, because the walls still held everything he had felt before dying, and although I had cleansed myself of my alien memories at sunrise, it was all too much for me.
I stood in the doorway, shivering, trying to separate Videshe's agony from my mind. He should not have left so strong an imprint on the walls.
"When did this happen?" I asked, from between clenched teeth.
Jarha, Videshe's wife, was outside the house, away from the walls, but her face was leeched of colours in the sunlight. "I came to you as soon as I found him," she said.
(Edited because I realised the whole thing was too ambiguous).
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited July 07, 2005).]
posted
I don't want to be rude, but I had to read it as is, then read it again without the names. The names would be a stubling block to me. If I have to take too long to guess how they chould be pronounced, I tend to skip over the names, then the story doesn't make much sense.
However, I read it a second time, and changed the names in my mind to just pronouns, and it seemed to have a nice begining to me.
I know we have people on here from all over the world, so the names may seem normal to you. I do not mean to be offensive. I might be willing to read it.
[This message has been edited by abby (edited July 07, 2005).]
posted
The names are derived from Hindu roots, and meant to sound Hindu (and I do know some Hindu names are long and unwieldy). I hadn't realised they were such a stumbling block. To me, they sounded natural. I'll garner a few more opinions, and if the majority agrees, I'll just have to do massive remplacements. Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
No problem, my brain is tired today. the woman's name isn't too difficult, maybe you could give the reader a clue to the pronounciation of the man's name? Some kind of silly rhyme he is known by, or a nickname?
Posts: 92 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I like it so far. The names didn't bother me. Only one section made me pause:
"I stood in the doorway, shivering, trying to separate Videshe's agony from my mind. He should not have been so strong an imprint on the walls."
The first sentence threw me off -- maybe if you said "trying to separate Videshe's agony from my own thoughts." The second sentence just sounded awkward with the "he should not have been" line. Maybe something more like: "His death should not have left so strong an imprint on the walls." Anyway, I am willing to read it. Send to fsilv01s@uis.edu.
posted
"At first I could not" implies that the narrator did a little later. But if there is going to be significant action (like the dialogue with Jarha, or a defined mental/psychic struggle to overcome the barrier) before the narrator can approach the body, it is best to not say "at first".
I think that, as an opening, this is sufficiently interesting and informative. I should leave off offering to read till a later date, though.
posted
All the talk about the walls confuses me. Maybe you could include more description, possibly mention how the death occurred, etc. if it doesn't ruin the story, of course.
posted
I can't offer to read right now, and I can't add much to the comments about the opening, but I will say that anyone who offers to read the short fiction of Silver3 will not be disappointed. Her work is terrific. I really wish I had the time to read and crit this; I can't tell you all how much I've enjoyed the short stories she's posted here in the past. Very powerful.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I'm replying to this more because of your POV question in the open discussion than anything else, so I'm going to comment on what I perceive there.
First, though, the man's name didn't give me much of a problem although I did go back and read it twice -- the woman's name took me several tries to pronounce. I guess we're all diffrent. I think that if these names work for the culture you're establishing, go with it. I'm used to "fantasy names" as I call them and I'm pretty much willing to give every name two or three reads. If at that point I've got a good idea, I'm good.
POV -- I tried to forget that you mentioned this was a woman. Still, the first paragraph very much had the feel of a woman. I don't know if I would have felt that way if I didn't know, though, and it isn't a 100%...it's more like a suspicion.
That said, I have a suggestion related to the first person POV. This opening is rather abrupt for first person. Usually when I think of first person I think of more of a lead-in, some clue to the fact that this is a personal account being written or told....I read the first sentence and almost thought I'd gotten the wrong story...then I caught the "I" out of the corner of my eye and realized this was the first person story. It just doesn't come across that way. You could easily substitute a name for "I" and not lose anything.
It can be subtle -- but I usually expect a sentence or so that makes two things clear right away: 1. This is a first person account. 2. It is being told from a future point. 3. The narrator knows everything up to that point.
This is where we get opening lines like, "I never would have guessed that a simple trip to the grocery store would turn into a fight for my life."
Of course, there are many ways to do it but I always like some sense that there is a reason for the first person narrator to be there.
posted
I liked the first sentence. The fact that you mention the "precise center" of the room suggests a lot, that maybe there is some type of funereal ceremony etc. Suggests a culture I don't know about, and I liked that.
Separating Videshe's agony was a little weird for me -- maybe 'purge' instead of 'separate?'
Then when the POV character says "When did this happen?" I didn't know who he was talking to, indeed whether there was anyone in the room at all except the corpse. But then you mention that Videshe's wife is outside the house, away from the walls, and she replies to him. Isn't there a distance problem here? Wouldn't they be shouting at each other?
This is not terribly hooky, but it is solid enough in my opinion. Send it my way.
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