posted
What are you looking for here? Comments just on the opening, or readers for the whole piece?
Were I to comment on the opening, I would say that the second paragraph, particularly the last sentence, is a far better hook than the first paragraph.
I'm not thrilled by your title. It's dull. I had no problem with the "hook" of either paragraph. You hint to a larger, interesting world and I'd keep reading.
Nit: Was there a real reason for capitalizing "spring"? If not, then it shouldn't be. (Though it's hard to tell in fantasy stories.)
I'm not giving you a number because I find it hard to quantify. It didn't have me grabbing my chair armrests with white knuckled fists... but it did pique my interest.
-Oliver
[This message has been edited by Rahl22 (edited July 08, 2005).]
posted
I actually liked the title a lot. I'm curious about what a Keeper of Potatoes is - to me it sounds weird, but also solid and grounded, and I like that combination a lot.
I'm not hooked. Your hero has woken up and described the scenery and a plant - with that kind of uneventful opening, you essentially have to rely on the language to carry it, and it seems as if that's what you're going for. However, the present tense is an obstacle for me, and I don't usually find dense descriptive passages compelling.
But I think that's more about my preferences than anything - the writing is clean and the descriptions are good, and probably I'm just not the ideal reader for this.
posted
There's a lot here about a tree. It's hard for me to care about a bush, but I am curious. I can't exactly pinpoint a number either. Mostly because I lean more towards stories with a deeper POV. And too much description so early on in the narrative makes me a bit nervous. This is opinion and taste, nothing more. It is well written on the whole, as Beth said. It just lacks bite.
However, the title, I thought, was interesting. I think it may be a bit misleading. "Keeper of Potatoes" makes me think it's going to be funny or off beat. But then I read the first few lines and, well, nothing was funny about it. Of course maybe it's like "The Book Of Three" by Alexander, and he's some kind of slop-mucking (or potato-picking) guy who turns hero. That's always fun.
posted
"and decided to kill my brother" makes all the difference in the world! Now the description has a lot more weight, and I'm curious about why he's killing his brother.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Hi! I didn't get a chance to see the first version, but this second one seems really good! I think it would make me keep reading. The only critiques I would make are fairly trivial:
--The first sentence of a paragraph is often the topic sentence. But the first sentence in your first paragraph is not only not the topic, it is unrelated to anything else mentioned in the remainder of that paragraph. I would either move it to the 2nd paragraph or try to tie it in to the 1st paragraph more (ex: "... I made the long trek up the blue mountain my people call the Goddess, up where even the goats do not go...")
-- I think it would be better to leave off "early in the morning" if you're going to say "before dawn" later anyway.
--I was a little confused by the name Maori, which I take is the name of a specific person. This is also the name of the indigenous people of New Zealand. I kept wanting to read the sentence "With my master and THE OTHER Maori still in their hammocks..." especially since the high blue mountain suggests a New Zealand locale.
--I think it is unecessary to state "The nectar of the flowers is poison." It is obvious enough by that point.
But as I said, all just minor points which I bring up only because I didn't find anything major to discuss! Don't know if any of those will strike a chord with you, but I thought I would give you the things that occurred to me.
posted
Much better! I would have to go with kkmmaacc on all those extra points, especially on the first line. I'd just go with: "Early this morning, I decided to kill my brother." That's an awesome first line.
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That's always fun.
