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This is my first attempt at flash fiction so beware. I'm planning to send this one out as soon as I've got it tuned up. It's 500wds total. I'll take as many offers to critique as I can get. Thanks guys.
Bran's throat closed as he watched Sarah skid to a stop at the cliff's ledge, a giggle bubbling from her lips. Her kidskin boots knocked sand and rocks into the black depths of the abyss below where the sea churned in violent anticipation.
"Sarah! Stop!" he called.
She turned back with a smile that painted her features sinister in the shadows of the moonlight.
"Oh, Bran," she said. "How you love me. Like a bird in a cage." Then she flung her arms wide and spun on her heal.
"Come away, Sarah." It seemed to come out as only a suddering breath. His heart beat so hard it shook his chest. He reached out, unable to form a coherent thought. Terror blinded him. What had he done? His beautiful Sarah. He should have never brought her back to the sea.
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It has certainly involved me and I'd be willing to read more. I'm skeptical if there's enough space left to really develop anything.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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I didn't like the expression "Bran's throat closed". Why not just say "Bran choked". That way Bran is doing the action, not his throat. Other than that phrase, it is well written. I wasn't especially grabbed by it, but it's short - I'm willing to read the whole thing. Send to fsilv01s@uis.edu.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I read this piece this morning. It completely works me. I hope the rest of the readers like it as much as I did.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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It's great! I love the intensity felt when reading this passage. I'll read it! Send it to chessna13@yahoo.com
Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2005
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One nit-picky detail, first: "spun on her heal" should be "spun on her heel"
This drops you right into the thick of things, and seems very fast paced. However, in a couple of places, the sentences are just a little to long - to my thinking - and slow down the pace too much.
I could see "knocked sand and rocks into the black depths of the abyss below where the sea churned in violent anticipation" shortened to just "knocked sand and rocks into the black depths where the sea churned in violent anticipation"
Or "It seemed to come out as only a suddering breath" as "It came out as a suddering breath"
These, of course, are matters of purely personal preference. Overall, it seems like a really intense scene.
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Hey Pixie, I was really drawn into this quickly, it's very fast paced and "real". I'd like to read the whole thing Meenie
Posts: 109 | Registered: Jun 2005
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quote:So after we read the story, do we post it on here, or do we email it back?
Chessna, no one here should ever post someone else's story on the Hatrack forum, even to give feedback on it. That would be worse than you posting more than 13 lines of your own story.
If you wanted to post your feedback, without actually quoting anything from the story, that would be fine. I would recommend that you put some kind of notice like
SPOILER WARNING!!!!
at the top of your feedback post, though. That way those who haven't yet read the story and who don't want to be influenced by your feedback can skip your post.
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I'm planning to send this one out as soon as I've got it tuned up. It's 500wds total. I'll take as many offers to critique as I can get. Thanks guys.
