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“Chairete, Grego!” shouted Uncle Timothy as Gregory took his seat beside him. A game they played. “Kalemera, Theios,” replied Gregory in Greek. “Sinto-me doente.” “Qual é o problema?” replied Gregory in Portuguese. “Ik heb een hoofdpijn.” “Dat is jammer,” replied Gregory in Dutch. “Will you two stop that for one moment?” said Aunt Regina in her native English. “Do you mind?” asked Uncle Timothy. “The boy and I are conspiring, and it’s very hard to do when you keep interrupting.” “Well, you two can conspire after supper.” And with that, a sizable slice of dark turkey meat was placed on Gregory’s plate. It was followed by mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole, and brown gravy, and bread. A glass of iced tea was placed in front of him. He didn’t like dark meat. He said nothing. Uncle Timothy noticed this, and leaned over. “What’s wrong?” he whispered. Gregory looked around the table. Then whispered back, “Eimai deka okto cronon.” I am 18 years old. “Nai.” Yes. “Giati me therapeúoun όs paidi?” Why do they treat me like a child? Uncle Timothy didn’t answer. The two finished supper in silence. Posts: 77 | Registered: Jul 2005
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The language thing is mildly interesting, but it does nothing for clarity. What are they saying? If it doesn't matter, then why are you opening your story with it? If it does, then why aren't you interpreting for us?
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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The only thing that jumped out at me was the line, "said Aunt Regina in her native English."
While it is appropriate to identify the other languages, as most readers will not speak them, ALL of your readers will be able to identify English without your help. It is redundant and really distracting. I would suggest "said Aunt Regina." And leave it at that. The audience will get that Regina speaks English and not those other languages from the rest. No need to over-explain.
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Everything else I like. If I were an editor, I would definitely continue reading. I'm intrigued by the kid and his unlce, and by the promise of what is probably a pretty interesting relationship between two uncannily bright people.
Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2005
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I agree with Rahl22. You lost me at Portuguese. Maybe I'm just not enough of an intellectual, but as a reader I'd have given up. To the eye of a person who only speaks enough Spanish to ask where the bathroom is, this looks like gibberish. I've read books that do this sort of thing before and they read fine, but they let be get pulled into the story before they throw a lot of Italian or Spanish words in. Make me care about the people first, then I'll care more about what they're saying. Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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I like the scene so far, the multi-language definitely expresses complex and intellegent characters without making an obvious statement. You might spice up the verbal dance a bit, though. The use of "Gregory replied" three times is a bit much. Perhaps you could replace a "replied" or two with other terms, such as responded, queried, retorted, countered, or said. Maybe Uncle Timothy could get an identifier, or put the action before the quote. Something to make the dialogue smoother in the reading. If you add a facial expression in there, it will be even better than it already is. :-)
Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Is there a reason you used passive voice for three sentences in a row concerning the food being served? You should use passive sentences sparingly if at all, and almost never in an opener.
I love what you did with all the languages, but that's probably because I drive my friends nuts with a mix of spanish and french (and spatterings of czech and russian).
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Hmmm, careful, JmariC. Switching out things like "said" with other words that mean the same thing as "said" is a big red newbie flag.
Using a simple word like "said" drops the tag out of the reader's consciousness, while still supplying the information about who is speaking. Using multiple words, though, draws your reader's eye each time, distracting him or her from the important parts of your writing.
Just use "said", if that's what you mean. It really smooths out your writing.
“Chairete, Grego!” shouted Uncle Timothy as Gregory took his seat beside him. A game they played. “Kalemera, Theios,” replied Gregory. “Sinto-me doente.” “Qual é o problema?” “Ik heb een hoofdpijn.” “Dat is jammer” “Will you two stop that for one moment?” said Aunt Regina. “I don’t care if you use Greek, but the other two sound like gibberish to me.” “Do you mind?” asked Uncle Timothy. “The boy and I are conspiring, and it’s very hard to do when you keep interrupting.” “Well, you two can conspire after supper.” And with that, she placed a sizable slice of dark turkey meat on Gregory’s plate. She followed with mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, brown gravy, and bread. A glass of iced tea found its way to his placemat. He didn’t like dark meat. He said nothing. Uncle Timothy noticed this, and leaned over. “What’s wrong?” he whispered. Gregory looked around the table. Then whispered back, “Eimai deka okto cronon.” I am 18 years old. “Nai.” Yes. “Giati me therapeúoun όs paidi?” Why do they treat me like a child? Uncle Timothy didn’t answer. The two finished supper in silence.
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Also, since this scene serves most to introduce Gregory and show the reader that he's a person worth caring about, who needs to be cared about, would it be against the rules for me to post the next few lines that introduce the plot?
Posts: 77 | Registered: Jul 2005
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I rather liked that you identified the languages they were using. It makes the characters interesting to me to know that they know lots of languages, and it shouldn't make the number of lines any greater.
As for showing that Gregory is worth caring about, his question about why "they" (who else does this besides Aunt Regina--she treats Uncle Timothy--her husband?--the same way) treat him like a child makes him seem a little whiny.
Maybe you changed it to "she" and had Uncle Timothy wink and say something like, "Because she treats everyone like a child."
If you have more, I'd be interested in reading it, and I will try to give you feedback quickly.
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