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Ok, here's the (2nd attempt) prologue I've been mentioning. The 13 lines to chapter 9 (same overall story) have fallen off the first page of the F&F, so hopefully that's a good time spacing. Now I know on this one I am going over the 13 lines and I most HUMBLY apologize. I truly hope that I will be forgiven.
-- Emily peeked around the door frame, quickly locating her father and making sure no one else was around. She duck out of the doorway and squared her shoulders. With a deep breath she marched into the musty room, back straight and posture rigid. Emily imagined that if anyone saw her now, they would admire her perfect military bearing. She marched over to her father, taking position directly behind him where he sat at the workbench. She stood waiting several minutes for him to pause in his work and acknowledge her. Her gaze wandered around the clutter, noticing the dust built up on the other tables. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to break the silence Emily decided she would. "Father." "Yes, Emily?" he said wearily. "I came to ask if you have changed your mind." "About?" "The Prayer Vigil. I'm old enough now, truly I am. I've seen fifteen winters! Please Father, don't say no this time."
posted
I liked it.... Right up until the end. I am absolutely shocked that Emily is 15. I got the impression that she was like, maybe 10.
Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
The first two paragraphs could have been written in a single sentence. She just walks up to her dad, why did it take so long?
Posts: 25 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I liked the 1st 2 paragraphs, because I thought they were funny, and they were showing a very young Emily being self-important.
I didn't like where it went toward the end. I thought we were getting a funny story, and the end of the snippet indicated to me it wasn't going to be. If funny is your intention, you could keep the same issue, maybe with some internal monologue, or more of Emily's behaviors. (I'm reminded of McKillip's Heir of Sea and Fire, in which the princessa asks the king for something; he says "no"; and she "discarded courtesy like an old shoe.")
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I'm very happy to hear that I did manage to make Emily sound younger than she is. Emily is very much caught up in a fantasy of what she thinks of the world, to the point that she doesn't really have a clear view of reality. It's very integral to the story. In this prologue it's 3rd person limit, and I do mean /limited/. The rest of the book will be first person. I started off light hearted and a bit silly with the idea of expressing that she isn't to be taken too seriously. There will be more humor sprinkled throughout the book. As for the two paragraphs, there's many reasons for that. Not the least of which is that there are currently 15 chapters planned. Besides, those two paragraphs set the stage and give character impressions. :-)
Posts: 233 | Registered: Jul 2005
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