posted
No, this isn't fan-fic, it is my story from the first Liberty Hall Flash Challenge. I'm not 100% sure I want to do anything with this, so I'm looking for feedback on the whole thing to see if it is worth the effort. It is what I would call dark humour. Humour is hard enough to pull off, and I want to make sure I'm more or less on the mark. --------------- Freddy Krueger Conquers the Scots 733 words Dark Humour --------------- There are I times I get angry. Real angry. But to my credit, I’ve never done anything I might regret in the morning. I mean, it isn’t like I’ve killed anyone – yet. Not that I haven’t wanted to.
Consider this. Every morning I have to get up and go to work. It’s early and I’m not a morning person. I don’t drink coffee and Coke just burns in my stomach if I drink it too early. So it is best if people just leave me alone until at least nine o’clock. I don’t think that’s asking too much. Finally the weekend comes and I can sleep in. Finally after five days of pre-dawn hell, I get a reprieve, a day where I can relax and get the sleep I need to recharge my batteries. It keeps me sane, which keeps the masses safe for the rest of the week.
posted
I like it. I have friends who write dark humor as well, but you did it without throwing in unnecesary gore and violence. I would keep reading.
Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Oh there is violence eventually, it's just pretty low key -- no blood and guts. The flash challenge trigger that week was Utricide (one who stabs an inflated skin vessel instead of killing someone http://phrontistery.info/kill.html)
Thanks for the feedback.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited July 12, 2005).]
posted
I like it. The title is a little gimmicky, but hooks me enough that I will read on to find out what kind of crazy thing you've concocted. What lines you've included are also intriguing: who is this guy? Is he Freddy in an alternate universe? or Freddy before he reaches the point of no return and actually he might just be redeemed, turn his evil tendencies to good and win a military victory for the gipper?
Send it my way.
[This message has been edited by davidedwardsmusic (edited July 12, 2005).]
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"Finally the weekend comes and I can sleep in. Finally after five days of pre-dawn hell, I get a reprieve, a day where I can relax and get the sleep I need to recharge my batteries. It keeps me sane, which keeps the masses safe for the rest of the week. "
You said finally and then said it again...Don't finalize unless you're finalizing.
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The double "Finally" is intended to be a bit poetic and both finalies refer to the same thing -- the weekend, his reprieve. I want it this way because that is how the character thinks and speaks.
If I change the punctuation as follows, does it flow better? -------------- Finally the weekend comes and I can sleep in; finally - after five days of pre-dawn hell - I get a reprieve, a day where I can relax and get the sleep I need to recharge my batteries.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited July 13, 2005).]
posted
The title made me wonder what these lines had to do with it. But then again it is only 13 lines. I think the double Finaly is too much even if you are trying to be poetic. I'm sure this is not the Final time finaly will be brought up before it is Final.
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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