posted
Gatrid approached the Nell, his eyes low and focused on the ground. “The people ask for a Hero, my Lady,” he said. “I know,” answered the Nell. Before her was the entire world of Illandra and beyond it, beyond the Wall, the dark kingdoms. Gatrid felt honored that she was allowing him to see what she herself could view anytime she wished. Allsight was not a virtue he possessed, only one who already perceived all could give it to him. What a humbling experience it was. Suddenly the image zoomed in on one area in particular. There were two guards on the south Wall that night. In ancient times there hadn’t been any. They weren’t needed, but the kings of the present felt that the only way to secure Illandra was through strength of arms, not the Wall, and so they posted guards. That alone was contempt the Nell could not stand, but she was patient and forgiving. Yet, a closer look at the wall showed that all was not well. The foundations were beginning to crack, and there was a greenish glow seeping through the bricks and mortar. Posts: 62 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I don't know about this. I'm just kind of . . . "meh." We have humble guy, god-like figure, and a wall. I don't really know what to think of any of them, except that they are all working against absolute evil.
One of the defining features of fantasy, of course, is that half the time, the heroes are struggling against something that is, without reservation, evil and should be bashed in the head with a sword until it stops moving threateningly. But right off the bat, I don't like this Nell person.
The only emotional response from her in the entire thirteen lines is that she's upset that some kings put two men - two! - on what I assume is the mightiest wall in the world. Is that supposed to be her character? Rigid and unforgiving and embodying some of the worst aspects of goodness?
Of course, the story has its good aspects. It has a solid fantasy grounding - goodguy kingdom, imminent threat from badguy kingdom, and someone about to be chosen to do some serious questing. I'm a big fan of questing, personally, and I like a good romp to the heart of evil.
posted
I'm afraid it doesn't grip me. It's rather dry, somehow; I just don't get any visual or emotional feel for what's going on here, it's just something that's happening. The Wall is clearly something magical if it never used to need guards, yet it appears to be made of bricks and mortar, and a bricks-and-mortar wall doesn't feel like a powerful magical construct, somehow. I also think you need to give a more emotional slant to Gatrid as he is exposed to the Nell's Allsight. "What a humbling experience it was" is a bit more tell than show. Perhaps you could have him protest that he isn't worthy (he clearly doesn't even feel comfortable looking at her). I don't like the "zooming in", either, it doesn't feel quite "fantasy" enough - more like someone operating a remote-control camera or something of that nature.
Just feels like it needs a bit more oomph. I wish I could explain it better... sorry.
posted
It didn't set me on fire, but I didn't dislike it either. I think I would keep reading a bit further, but if you can think of something that will be a little hookier, that wouldn't hurt. The green glow was pretty good, but it doesn't come in until right at the end.
And in passing -- I really didn't care for the name Gatrid. Almost all the English disyllabic words ending in -id that I can think of off the top of my head are pretty undesirable: squalid, fetid, putrid, rancid, acrid, rabid, acid, vapid, horrid, lurid, arid, livid, pallid, and stupid. True, there are -id words that are either positive or neutral in meaning (valid, tepid, etc.), but those negative ones were the ones that Gatrid called to mind while reading.
Maybe I'm the only one that would think that -- just thought I'd bring it up.
posted
This seemed almost...prolouge-like to me, like you're trying to get a lot of information dumped on the reader at the very begining so you won't have to deal with it later. I think it was OSC who said something along the lines of: "If a piece of information isn't vital to understand the story right now, at this instant, it can wait." My favorite beginings are ones that show me a character, up close and personal, being himself or herself. Then I'm hooked: there's someone I like and care about. After that, I'm willing to listen to why the world is in danger from Evil once again. Good-again-Evil plots are thousands of years old: it's your characters that give new life to old ideas.
Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2005
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