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Jason did not understand his uncle. “Why hasn’t he written me in six weeks?” he wondered. With the promise of a letter every week, Jason grew more confused as each day left him with an empty mailbox. Finally, after all that time, there was another letter in his sight. Each letter arrived from a different location, with stamps from anywhere imaginable. France, Switzerland, Germany, Russia, Saudi Arabia…anywhere that Jason’s uncle believed he could find the “Land of the Ancients”. “For that’s where I will find my treasure, Jason,” his uncle always told him. “In the Land of the Ancients.” What that treasure was, he was always unable to guess accurately. “No! Jason, it’s not a treasure of gold and jewels, but something much greater.” “What could be greater than gold and jewels?” Jason asked. This simple question was always answered with a smile and a chuckle. The packaged message Jason pulled from his box was larger and dirtier than the others had been. He quickly turned the letter over to find a small note written on the top flap. “Do not open until May 13,” he read.
[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited July 12, 2005).]
1 The first three sentences conflict with those to come, in a sense that he thinks "why hasn't he written" and then lo and behold, he has a letter. Struck me as odd. Although as an editor I would feel compelled to turn the page. You've already spiked my curiosity as to what is the significance behind May 13? Or this "Land of the Ancients" that his Uncle is talking about.
2. I think the word Ancients is overused. Come to think of it, I use it in my WIP. Unless this has some historical reference (which is quite possible) I would suggest an alternate name. Heck, even if you looked up a translation of "Land of the Ancients" and referred to it later, it would take off the cliche if you used that other language.
3. The first sentence lacks... feeling, I guess. You could start it out with something a little more compelling, such as "The whole situation made as much sense to Jason as [insert simile here]" Just a suggestion though.
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