posted
Ok, so I've reworked it a bit. I agree with a lot of what you guys said, especially since I wrote that part in what seemed to be a midnight writing daze of mine. Anyway, it's kind of hard to explain exactly why I wrote the beginning the way I did. You kind of have to go past the first 13 lines. Maybe I wanted the reader to get a feeling that the main character was part of something bigger than himself. Also, my story is one of those where there is something wrong and it must be fixed, and so the story starts where things go wrong, etc. I forget the specific name for that type of story. Anyway, here's the revised bit, still kept to only the first 13 lines. If you want to read more just let me know and I'll e-mail what I have to you. ------------------------------------------ Gatrid approached the Nell, his eyes low and focused on the ground. The Nell was awe-inspiring. Beyond compare, her presence made Gatrid seem pale and unreal. Despite this fact, she gave him her attention like a close friend. “The people ask for a Hero, my Lady,” he said. “I know,” she answered. Before her was the entire world of Illandra and beyond it, beyond the Wall, the dark kingdoms. Gatrid felt honored that she allowed him to see what she herself could view anytime she wished. Allsight was not a virtue he possessed. Only one who already perceived everything in its entirety could bestow it on him. It was humbling, and Gatrid felt thankful beyond words. Suddenly the image drew near to one area in particular. There were two guards on the south Wall that night, members of a legion stationed to hold it. In ancient times there had been none because they weren’t needed. However, the kings of the present felt that the way to secure Illandra was through strength of arms, not the Wall or the Nell’s contract regarding it, and so they posted guards in contempt of her.
---------------------------------------------
Like I said, if you read all of the first two paragraphs, the idea is more complete seeming. As it is, you only get three fourths of the second paragraph.
posted
I like this version much better. As I was reading it, I saw "The Nell" at the begining of sentance two, and it sparked an idea. If she's a character of great power, you could always capitalize it as "The Nell," and even capitalize "Her" when refering to this character. That would go a long way to put her in a position of reverence and awe without having to state she is reverenced. Kind of a showing instead of telling thing. Just an idea for you. I think the revision is well done -- nice job!
Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2005
|
posted
This does read better to me. There are a few nits, "seem pale and..." might be better as "feel pale and...". Stuff like that.
Other than that, you don't have a setting here. I'm not sure whether setting is always critical, but in this case it certainly is. His interaction with the Nell really demands a setting. I'd say that again, but I think I'm starting to repeat myself already
The text went on a bit about how priviledged Gatrid felt at being shown something through the Nell's omniscience. I felt more...formalistic acknowledgement of nominal superiority than real wonder in his response to that. You know what I mean?
But this does have a lot of good qualities, it's more interesting and accessable to me than the other version.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
