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Author Topic: "Sand Sharks" - Action Serial
Inkwell
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Hey, folks. First let me say it's great to be back in the good ol' USA (and a bit safer, for now). The mopeds in Rome were fierce.

Anyway, I whipped this little piece up as the first part of an action serial about a counter-terror team and its semi-serious exploits. Just wanted to see how the first 13 sounded to you.

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"Sand Sharks"


Dust swirled through empty streets, carried on a wind so hot it seemed to bake the amber-colored stone into submission with its very breath. The sun gazed down upon a sea of desolate buildings with unwavering intensity, turning the alleys and open plazas into sweltering reflectors that sucked the life right out of anything careless enough to wander through them. Even the shade under the many sand-swept arches was stifling. Rook grimaced behind grit-etched goggles. Why did the bad guys always pick hellholes to hide in? Just once he would like to take ‘em down in some gorgeous locale where free booze flowed from gilded fountains and beautiful women drooled over men in Kevlar.

The fantasy flashed for a moment before his overheated mind’s eye, until distant rifle fire shattered it into a million tumbling pieces. Rook glanced around the corner as he listened to the gunfire…definitely a Kalashnikov. Another weapon barked across the courtyard, ripping rounds into the stone wall beside his head. Shards of flying rock pelted his helmet like jungle rain on a ceramic roof. Rook jerked backward as muzzle flashes illuminated the shooter—a ski-masked terrorist in urban camo. Urban camo? In the desert?
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Inkwell
-----------------
"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous


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Ransom
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Wow, you really opened up your word-hoard on this one. Did the dangers of European driving give you the idea?

Boy, I'll never forget that cab I took in Brussels...

Anyway, hey, this is good stuff. I could almost taste the dust. The action is very well-played. In fact, it was really hard for me to find something about it that you could change, but I think I got something.

Whenever you describe a noun in this scene, it's always, invariably, in the form of "adjective/subject": empty streets, amber-colored stone, desolate buildings, unwavering intensity, sweltering reflectors, many sand-swept arches, grit-etched goggles, gorgeous locale, free booze, gilded fountains, beautiful women, etc. Now, I know English isn't like the Latin languages, where you could have "reflectors sweltering", but there are some other tricks, like metaphor or personification, that you could use to cut back on your adjectives. But I can see why you did this: you wrote it in a moment, out of one image, one idea, and therefore one voice. The overuse of adjectives is simply one of the characteristics your tone has. Just keep it down, eh?


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Robyn_Hood
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I like this and would read on. Only a couple of little things that might make it better.

1) Location, Location, Location: Yes, this is a desert town of some sort, but where? Africa, Iraq, Afganistan? You could easily add this right into the first clause of your first sentence.

quote:
Dust swirled through empty streets of ____________, carried on a wind so hot it seemed to bake the amber-colored stone into submission with its very breath.

Also, I think you could set the last few sentences off as their own paragraph. Starting with, "Rook grimaced...". The thoughts from Rook, while playing off the same ideas as the first part of the paragraph, are kind of separate because now we have a specific POV character. Just a thought.

Lastly...

quote:
The fantasy flashed for a moment before his overheated mind’s eye, until distant rifle fire shattered it into a million tumbling pieces.

Before and until can be used to mean simillar things and while I know what you are saying, I read it wrong at first and it threw me for a loop (I was reading "before" as "until" -- This happened before/until something else happened). I anticipated the "until" and read "before" wrong. Is there a way you could change it? Perhaps, "...in his...mind's eye..."?

If you need a reader, feel free to send it to me.


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Robyn_Hood
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P.S. I agree with Ransom that the first bit is a little adjective heavy. A little goes a long way and you won't lose anything if you take a few out.
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wbriggs
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I suggest you start with the rifle fire. That's a hook!
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DavidGill
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Your first three sentences are essentially the same--same pattern, same image, same effect. You could easily cut two of the three and have the same effect.

The Kevlar line was cool.

Try changing some of those adjectives to verbals and the descriptions will sound smoother.

[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 13, 2005).]


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Inkwell
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Here's a little rewrite. It may sound similar, but I assure you...changes abound throughout the manuscript, such as it is. By the by...if anyone is interested in reading Part I, please speak up. I think I've got it bottled into a semi-polished form (though my editing eye frequently deceives me). Please specify what format you'd like, and any spam-blocker e-mail title specifics. My default format is MSWord. Approx. word count is 2,580 in 5 pages.

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Version 2


Dust swirled through the empty streets of Deh-Zireh, carried on a wind so hot it seemed to bake the amber-colored stone into submission with its very breath. Even the shade under numerous arches was stifling. Rook grimaced behind his grit-etched goggles, surveying the inhospitable terrain with no small amount of scorn. Why did the bad guys always pick hellholes to hide in? Just once he would like to take ‘em down in some gorgeous locale where booze flowed from gilded fountains and beautiful women drooled over men in Kevlar.

The fantasy flashed for a moment in his overheated mind’s eye, until distant rifle fire shattered it into a million tumbling pieces. Rook glanced around the corner as he listened to the gunfire…definitely a Kalashnikov. Another weapon barked across the courtyard, ripping rounds into the stone wall beside his head. Shards of flying rock pelted his helmet like jungle rain on a ceramic roof. Rook jerked backward as muzzle flashes illuminated the shooter—a ski-masked terrorist in urban camo.

Urban camo? In the desert? And no body armor…that was surprising. Intel had suggested these guys were better equipped than most small-town operators.
--------------------------------------------


Inkwell
-----------------
"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous


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MichaelCReed
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I will definitely read it: (sendmailtomichael@yahoo.com)

The section you've presented is extremely good, the most polished I've seen in a while.

Two small notes on this rewritten open.

1- The sentence "Rook grimaced behind his grit-etched goggles, surveying the inhospitable terrain with no small amount of scorn," is problematic.
a. "grit-etched" is too much description on the goggles. It seems slightly tacked into the sentence, making it sound clumsy -- something which looks extremely out of place in surroundings that are so well written. Most importantly, it could be removed entirely with no loss of vivid imagery or essential information (the standard test for superfluous words and phrases).
b. "...with no small amount of scorn," is both passive and archaically structured. To say what something is not -- instead of what it is -- strips the active power away from any sentence. It is passive phrasing, and seems particularly glaring in an action sequence. Also the way it is phrased uses the archaic "with no small amount of," an old chestnut of the sly, prancing language of (primarily British) novels written during the romantic age. It is a stiff phrase, and stiff phrasing sounds warped within the context modern prose. (This is why it is so often used for comedic effect. British sitcoms still use this kind of archaic device to construct punchlines.)

2- "The fantasy flashed for a moment in his overheated mind's eye," is an unnecessary and extremely artificial looking transition. It was added, of course, to move between the fantasy at the end of the first paragraph and the action of the second, but it isn't necessary. Because Rook is commenting on everything he sees anyway, you don't have to tell us that we are moving from mental imagery to reality; it's obvious. You could easily replace this with another event, like, "Distant rifle fire shattered a tile above his head," and keep going from there. This is a transitional error I see in a lot of the manuscripts I read. A friend of mine calls it "not trusting the reader." This is fine prose -- we're right there with you. You don't need to lead us from one expository device to another.

At any rate, excellent work Inkwell. You definitely hooked me. I would love to read the entire thing.

~MR

[This message has been edited by MichaelCReed (edited July 14, 2005).]


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NewsBys
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Yes! Your revision is much better. I'd be willing to read more.
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Survivor
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It's...kinda campy for the subject matter, though I take it that this is part of your intent. I think that you really nailed the "semi" part of "semi-serious".

I don't like the effect as much as everyone else seems to like it. I guess I'll have to pass. Actually, I have to say that I'm surprised that everyone seems to like it so much, given the subject matter you're treating. But it isn't like I didn't love Hot Shots: Part Deux. Maybe I'm just fickle.


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Inkwell
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Though I'm sorry you won't be reading the piece, Survivor, I am glad that it seems to be going in the direction I intended. Your opinions have always been helpful (even those few delightfully scathing ones). Perhaps next time. Oh, and you're not the only potentially fickle person here (*points at self*).

Thanks go out to all who've volunteered to read (and commented on) the WIP, and to any brave souls that might yet step up to my carnival booth. Don't be afraid of the monkey...he's my editor.

Inkwell
-----------------
"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous


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davidedwardsmusic
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I like this! Loved the shards of flying rock on his helmet. The versimilitude is wonderful. I feel like I'm right there. Comments:

* I'm torn by the opening description. It was good, but my interest started to wane at about "The sun gazed down" On the other hand, it sets up your lines about more exotic locales, which were great. Maybe could you get there another way. How about starting with the absolutely kicker line: "Why did the bad guys always pick hellholes to hide in? Just once Rook would like to..." Then you could work your place-setting description into the action and have me immediately in the story.

* I would shorten the first sentence, second paragraph to: "Distant rifle fire shattered his fantasy into a million tumbling pieces."

You're a great writer. If this opener is any indication, this is going to be a great serial.


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Survivor
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I think that the problem is that I like my humor to be either subtle or over the top (like that Japanese state dinner, that was way over the top). I don't like the in-between ground so much, where it's subtly over the top. If that makes any sense.
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