posted
This is the first 13 of a short story I’m working on. More details follow the frag, but I didn’t want my comments to bias you before you read it.
Last Eagle
Quillen climbed down the ladder from the control tower and paused to stand in the middle of the runway. He searched the starry, but otherwise empty sky, feeling the familiar loneliness descend on him. What compelled him to search the empty sky, hoping to catch a glimpse of vapor trail or to see running lights? Why did he search for something that was never there? For that matter, why did they waste ethanol each night, powering lights that no pilot would ever see? Probably, he realized, the same reason they made sure that this old runway was kept clean and patched, year after year. The same reason that someone was always assigned to monitor the radio day and night. There was always a chance that a plane would pass over, looking for a safe landing site. When it did, the inhabitants of Painted Mountain Air Reserve base would be ready to greet them.
***
Length is about 9000 words. Yeah, I know, a big one. I feel OK with it, but I have reached that point where all the words are running together and I can’t see my own folly. Help! I’m looking for feedback on this frag and a few wise readers for the entire thing. Or, if you can’t commit to the whole thing, maybe someone would be willing to read the first half?
Also, from this opening, did you get a sense that it is a post apocalyptic story? FYI - It’s NOT grim or gory, it IS a bit patriotic, but NOT political.
posted
It'll take me longer on 9K, but I'll read. I did get the post-apocalyptic thing, and that's what hooked me. I also liked that the details (ethanol) suggest the author has thought it through. This gives me more faith that the story will be plausible.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
|
Ïf he can see the stars, then it's night time. In the night time what else is there in the sky besides stars? Otherwise empty except for what? That makes no sense. And then again you make refrence to the empty sky, you just said the sky is filled with stars, it's not empty. It's actually quite a FULL sky.
Also, this is much too much exposition for the beginning of a story. In the beginning of a story people don't care about plot points, they care about characters. What they definatley don't care about is internal monolouge and rhetorical questions about stuff they have no idea about. Vapor Trail? Ladders that run from control towers to runways? What the heck is going on?
posted
I understood the "empty sky" to mean "empty of aircraft". I wouldn't have said "post-apocalyptic" necessarily, though that term probably captures the idea as well as anything. You could give Quillen's questions about his/their motives a bit more of an answer, something a bit deeper. Hope, faith, duty, whatever. Though you don't have to say it in so many words, so perhaps "there was always a chance" works well enough.
I'll try reading what I end up reading. If I simply can't make it too the end, I'll let you know that.
posted
Very, very nice. This thing went down like peaches and cream - smooth. You immediately had me in the head of the POV character, and the awe and mystery of the situation. I loved how he watched the skies, etc. Lovely.
Just a nit: the second half of the last paragraph pulls away from the POV character and starts talking about they, someone, and the inhabitants. Maybe you keep the observations, etc. coming out of Quillen's head.
I'd like to read this. Not sure how long it will take, but send it my way.
posted
I always feel so nervous when someone's really looking forward to one of my crits...because (and I should know) they are often not the sort of thing I would look forward to getting Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted
But they are brutally honest. The author may not always agree, but I havent seen any Survivor comments that were without merit.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
|
Survivor, your comments are probably one of the reasons this site is more serious than others. I could go plenty of places to get empty praise and a pat on the back. What I need is a kick in the pants.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
