posted
Hey, everybody! Sorry I've been MIA. Real life caught a terrible hold on me the last few days, and it kind of left me reeling. But things are picking up now, so I present to you the opening of a short story. I hope you enjoy.
The baby’s crying was just moving Alice to the edge of her sanity when her ears popped, bringing the noise to a breathable level, the muffled infant sobs fading into the background along with the 737's jet engines. “My name’s Barney,” said the guy on her right. Alice looked out the window. The Sierra Nevada Mountains were sinking into wisps of cloud, sinking and drowning in noiseless peace. Ain’t that the story of my life, Alice thought. “What’s yours,” said the guy on her right. Alice lied. “Cindy,” she said, and she continued looking at the earth-swallowing tide of cumulus. “Cinderella,” said a voice in the back of her head, one she couldn’t place but brought feelings of loneliness and despair. Despite her best efforts, a tear appeared at the corner of her left eye. “Cindy,” said the guy on her right. “Nice name.” It was a nice name, Alice thought as the tear fell like so much rain toward the sea of clouds below, its progress impeded by the triple-thick glass of the window. “You’re my little Cinderella,” said the voice in the back of her mind.
posted
Sounds good so far. My interest is peaked by the mention of Cinderella, and the fact that she lied about her name.
Only thing that bugged me was:
quote:It was a nice name, Alice thought as the tear fell like so much rain toward the sea of clouds below, its progress impeded by the triple-thick glass of the window.
I couldn't figure out how that was possible. Either the plane is taking a sharp turn and is nearly doing a roll, or the tear flew straight away from her face and smacked the window.
Had to edit cause I messed up the quotes code.
[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited July 19, 2005).]
posted
Dang, that sounded so poetic, too. Can't the author toy with the laws of physics just this once?
Neh, probably not. How about "as her tear fell like so much rain toward the sea of clouds below, its progress impeded by her own hands." Or something to that effect. I'll work on it.
I'll probably just end up removing the line altogether. Not a terrible loss.
posted
Hope you guys don't mind me dropping back in. I’ve been gone quite a while. I really liked this piece and the voice in her head intrigued me. I like the tone as well. But that's probably because I'm a bit of a melancholy guy.
My one nitpick would be the sentence where she lies about her name. I would change that to:
“Cindy,” Alice lied, and she continued looking at the earth-swallowing tide of cumulus.
[This message has been edited by mogservant (edited July 22, 2005).]
On the nits, I'd buy the tear hitting the inner plexi-glass if she were leaning her head against it already. After all, a tear that rolls off your cheek has to obey momentum as well as gravity, right? That might make it odd for the guy to be trying to talk to her, though. As for the other, I don't have any problem with the current phrasing of her lie, though you might consider leaving it up to the reader's deductive skills to realize that if her name is Alice and she says her name is Cindy, she might be lying. That could have some interesting benefits apart from simple phrasing.
I'll let you work around to asking for readres in your own time, but I do like this opening. The voice calling her Cinderella (always listen to your voices, I say), the lyrical melancholy of the POV, even Barney, they all promise an interesting story.
posted
Im intrigued...the line about the tear falling onto the window confused me aswell (I believe it was mentioned before) but otherwise, bravo. Id love to read more.
Posts: 35 | Registered: Jul 2005
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