posted
I posted a rougher version of this at the Notebored. Now it's a little bit cleaner.
I'm looking for readers. Also looking for comments on the opening. This is about 1600 words in length. --------------------------------------------
He tells her she isn’t psychic. He doesn’t believe in psychics. She says, "That’s what you think, Mr. Negative," and sticks out her tongue.
Changing the subject, Mr. Negative says, in a quiet voice: "You were raped?"
The Psychic stops walking, so he stops, too. She stops talking.
"When were you raped?" he says.
They’re above the neighborhood now, in the hills. Seeing house lights, seeing the cross-hatch of streets in the dark.
She speaks slowly. "The first time I had sex with Angelo, it wasn't really consensual. I kept telling him no. But he didn't stop. I mean, I didn't really consider it rape, because I didn't try to fight him. I didn't scream or anything, like you see in the movies. I just kept saying no. And when it was over, I was crying, and he said 'What's wrong?' And I said, 'What do you think?'”
posted
4 or 5 paragraphs in and I still cannot work out anything about these characters, POV, setting or direction of the story. There is no reader involvement here, which for me is a major turn-off. You also mix in his actions with her actions and speech. These should be separate paragraphs.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Well, I have to apologize, but today I was thinking about this story and I made a huge realization about what I want to do with it, so I'm going to go back and do a major overhaul and add a lot of material.
So I won't be sending it out, but thank you so much for the offers to read. It's just a totally different beast in my mind than this version, so....
Thanks anyway, sincerely. I'll bring it back here after I've done these revisions.
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