posted
I really need to get my rear in gear on this story; I am trying to finish it by tomorrow so I don't have to work on it while on vacation. It is science fiction in its origins but may read more like fantasy. I don't have a word count yet because it isn't finished but I am estimating it to be at around 5-7k when finished. But for some reason I am getting stuck on the actual writing of the story though I know the plot and how it ends. Maybe you guys can help me out by looking at the first thirteen and letting me know if my hook is a good one, or what if anything I seem to be promising with this opening. (This story is a rewrite of a combination of two flash stories I wrote for liberty hall and it is set in my novel universe, so the concept may be familiar to several of you.)
quote:Marlo almost didn’t see the injured fayli in the blazebush. The leaves of the blazebush were shades of yellow, gold, orange and red all year round, helping the bright rainbow featherscales of the fayli to blend in. But its mate hadn’t yet finished covering up the hidey hole in the bush with broken branches, and Marlo passed by at just the right angle to peer inside.
The fayli looked pretty bad; its featherscales were dull and limp, and it hooted soft discordant chimes from its tubesnout. Marlo couldn’t help staring, fascinated, at the once-beautiful creature. She’d never seen one up close. Rumors had it that the fayli nested at the very tops of the Trees, but so far they hadn’t done so in a Tree inhabited by humans. They were shy creatures, for all their bright plumage, and though they loved to sing intricate melodies with their tubesnouts Marlo had only caught snatches of sound on the wind a couple of times.
posted
The hook, for me, is the injured creature. I would expect your character to rescue it and that action would somehow cause a conflict. I also would expect these creatures to play a large role in the story. Since little is know about the creatures, this character will be the first human to uncover the mysteries of the creature's culture/powers/abilities/whathaveyou.
It sounds good so far.
[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited July 28, 2005).]
The information in this snippet was compelling enough that I would keep reading to figure it out. I had trouble understanding the sequence of the first paragraph. It felt choppy, so I took a close look at it.
1. Marlo almost didn’t see the injured fayli in the blazebush. 2. The leaves of the blazebush were shades of yellow, gold, orange and red all year round, helping the bright rainbow featherscales of the fayli to blend in. 3. But its mate hadn’t yet finished covering up the hidey hole in the bush with broken branches, 4. and Marlo passed by at just the right angle to peer inside.
At end of the first sentence, you mention the fayli. Since it's the important object in that sentence, the next sentence would work better if you began with the fayli, instead of the blazebush. In the third sentence, you introduce a mate, which adds some confusion, especially when you break the sentence and go to Marlo peering inside. I think it's causing your prose to become disjointed. Also, in this first graph, you introduce several unfamiliars--a fayli, a blazebush, featherscales, and a hidey hole habitat. You worked these things into the text well, but the elements make it hard for me to figure out exactly what's what.
Hope this helps a bit.
[This message has been edited by DavidGill (edited July 28, 2005).]
posted
I like it, the way you presented the fayli is intriguing. I also like the working title, Bone Flute.
In the second sentence I think it would be a smoother read if you omitted either bright or rainbow.
The opening seems to foreshadow a series of adventures between Marlo and the injured fayli. The faylis’ singing will also probably play a large role in these adventures.
posted
I think the problem with the first paragraph is that it is out of sync from the POv of the main character. What did the main character see and in what order? Did he really realize he had almost missed it before he say the fayli?
Do you see what I mean? There's nothing wrong with the sentence structure, more something wrong with the order of the sentences. This is action and not introspection so we'd expect things to happen in a logical order.
Other than that I think it is a great start and presents us already with some mystery and interest.
posted
It's good. I would expect that the fayli will play an important role in the story or, at least, that this scene with the fayli will be used to introduce something important about Marlo's character/personality. I also expect that this world, where humans inhabit trees, to have some unique ecological and societal features.
Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Of course, by reading the back cover I already know that Marlo's living on a world only recently colonized by humanity and will discover that the Fayli are intelligent. Since you told us that already, I don't feel it's cheating.
I think that you could use a bit more description of the setting. Right now we have a blazebush (very well described), a fayli (also well described) and Marlo (I could have used a tiny bit more information about her, at least to guess her approximate age and non-gender role). But so far there is no hint of setting for these elements, other than that this might or might not be taking place at or near the top of a Tree that might or might not be inhabited by humans.
In other words, not only do I not know the setting, I don't even know what it is about the setting that I don't know. I can't even go with an assumption, like saying that this is by the shoreline or something like that.
posted
Thanks, Survivor. I will make sure the setting is clear (on the ground in the woods by a pond).
Yanos, I will make sure the sentence order is smoother. Actually I'll probably re-word it a bit.
Thanks everyone. I am almost done writing it and will finish tonight. I am actually trying to add a tiny bit more description in my work because I fear white room syndrome, but I hope I don't go overboard.
posted
People's responses to a given work often reveal more about the reader than about the work. Something of a Rorschach test, isn't it?
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
If you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. I'm sure you can find plenty of sexual references in that statement, too.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Yikes, guys. Thanks for the heads up Gecko, I was thinking of changing the title anyway. But my oh my. I think you overreacted to Beth a bit too much.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Autumn, I found this interesting article about Neanderthal bone flutes. At 43,000 to 82,000 years old, it's the oldest musical instrument, according to this article. It has technical information about bone flutes that you might find interesting.
posted
Yeah, I didn't have a problem with "Bone Flute" either. I'm really wondering how anyone could take it as a sexual reference.
But I'm more interested in figuring out what part of the text above told me this was happening near water. It might simply be part of the wounded bird archtype. In fact, now that I've mentioned it, I'm sure that it is.
posted
Gecko, you're welcome to join us here and your opinions are valued, but if you're going to say something nasty to someone at the end of each post to try and start a fight, then this might not be the place for you. Just saying.
Posts: 1041 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I thought bone flute could be mistaken for innuendo. I was sure it wasn’t, but the possibility is there that someone could, especially considering the slang term “skin flute.” Then you add in the word bone which is also used in several different variations in crass vernacular. No, offense but as a title “Bone Flute” sounds like something I’d have to go behind the bead curtain at the video store to rent.
I would change it, but I’m really leery about such things. I don’t shy away from swearing in my writing or being crass if the character/story calls for it, but it I’m not trying to be I take all effort to avoid it.
It’s something that sticks out when I read published works. I just think, switching things around a bit, the author could’ve avoided that all together.
Like in my fantasy story in the opening there’s a storyteller who was a bit of an acrobat and magician. He was juggling and after going back and reading what I had written, I figured it was probably not a good idea to refer to what he was juggling with as “his balls” and “the balls” may save me some confusing, and at least I could read my own work without giggling like an 8th grader.
posted
Yeah, but JOHN...um, how can I put this delicately? Not all of us are very familiar with the kinds of titles found behind the bead curtain.
And, if I'm not mistaken about the meaning of "skin flute" (which is very possible), then there is no reason in the world anyone would tend to believe the term "bone flute" had any connection whatsoever. Unless that person was a good deal more perverted than usual. I mean...ow!
It's like that test where you try and guess which names are of My Pretty Pony toys and which are adult entertainers.
In any case, as your post shows, there's a way to argue the point in a civil tone.
posted
Skin flute is a phallic term, so you can see where the connection to bone flute can be seen.
In all honesty, I don’t think it’s too big of a deal as your title is always tentative until the book is published
With some prose around it I can see what a bone flute would be especially in a fantasy story. A flute made from the bone of an animal. I’m sure animal bone was used for lots of things in a medieval time period.
Still, I would be careful using such a term. I know not everyone’s minds in the gutter, and I don’t think mine is (totally), but if I read, “She put the bone flute in her mouth...” I would giggle a little, wondering what the hell the author was thinking.
But it could just be me as this is something I try to avoid.
PS Autumnmuse,
I’d like to apologize as I haven’t read or commented on your first 13 (which is the real topic at hand). I’ll will be sure to do so tomorrow.
I really liked what I read. I like reading fantasy to explore strange, new worlds, but hate being bogged down with weird words. This wasn't bad at all though. Easy to read easy to follow and I would continue reading. Good job.
Survivor, Don't feel bad. It's probably a good thing you don't know such terms. It's not really often used either. It's more of a joke (a referrence to fellatio) and quite filthy. It's just the first thing that popped into my mind when I read the title. That's the last thing I'm really gonna say about it. I'm starting to feel like the resident pervert.
JOHN!
[This message has been edited by JOHN (edited August 03, 2005).]