“I’m telling you John, I don’t trust him,” Lucifer perfectly hit the cue-ball, sending the green, ricocheting off walls and glasses, landing perfectly into the corner pocket. He was holding back. “He says that I can have the whole thing. The whole thing! What kind of God sends all of humanity into his enemy’s hands?”

I shrugged. “Well?”

He ceased his aiming and peered at me. “Well what?”

“Did you sign the contract?”

He sighed, “Yea, I did. I’m a greedy son of flame. But there’s probably a loop hole. Just like that damn Jesus contract,” He hit the cue-ball and to my surprised, missed. Dev gave a curse, snapping his stick in half. “How was I suppose to know he was sacrificing his son for the “forgiveness” of others?”

I leaned against my stick, and could not help but smile at the devil’s frustration. “Just because we are in hell, doesn’t mean you have to torment yourself about these things.”

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited July 29, 2005).]

I've noticed that some writers, particularly younger ones, thumb their nose at the "rules" and treat them like some sort of shackles that are meant to suppress their creativity. I assure you that is not the case. The rule about the first 13 is in place, in large part, to protect you and your claim to the electronic rights of your story. Violating the First 13 rule isn't an act of defiance when you give up your ability to be published by doing it, it's an act of ignorance of the legalities of the publishing world.

When you disregard the clear guidelines for this forum, it is a signal that you don't want to be playing on the same playing field the rest of us do. That, for me, is a strong enough reason for me to NOT want to critique your work.

Quote: "but I don't plan to do much with it."

I know that I am violating my publishing rights, but for this story, it doesn't matter. It was an idea my younger brother came up with, and I expanded upon it for fun. Notice the key word is "fun". I don't plan submitting this to any publishers, so I simply wanted other people to read it besides myself and brothers. What you see before you is the WHOLE story.

If my mom has taught me one thing, it is to respect my elders.

I did not mean to break the rules. I hope you will still give me an opinion of the story.Is it making sense at all?

But thanks beth for asking nicely. I do appreciate your concern, and hope that I am not acting too rebellious.

Rock on.

I read it. I can agree that you made the right decision by not making any attempt to sell it. These kinds of God/Satan/other-supernatural-or-mythical-personage sitting around jawing casually about how to accomplish humanity's salvation/damnation/other-metaphysical-goal-of-said-personage are fairly common. This one doesn't seem to have anything special going for it. The idea isn't developed much beyond the "d'you think that Satan has actually read the Bible?" level. And the answer is the most boring one possible, a simple "No, of course he hasn't." Not even something like "No, he can't read because our linear concept of incident doesn't exist for him."

Still, even though it isn't salable, and won't be unless you change it in truly substantial ways, I'm glad that you accept that the strictures on this forum can be followed for reasons having to do with something beyond the most narrow interpretation of personal self-interest and protection of only your own rights. All too often these kinds of small infractions blow up into flame-wars that require KDW's intervention, which is no doubt annoying to her, as she has a busy life outside keeping us in line.

The 13 lines refers to the format that is still requested for most submissions - Courier, double-spaced, and (on the first sheet) starting with the title in the middle of the paper. That generally leaves room for 13 lines. This has nothing to do with how a novel will look when it is eventually published, it is about how an editor, reading a submission, will see your story.

As it is, my best guess -- don't be offended -- is that using billiards and conversation results from a lack of imagination, and as a result we get a Devil that's essentially a human being. I would lack imagination, too, when writing about cosmic beings! I can think of a time or two when this has been pulled off:

A book, can't remember the name, written in black English from about a century ago, in which the Devil was just some guy, and the stories were like little myths or Just-So stories.

Screwtape was _excellent_. But we got very little about the devil's personal life. It really didn't have one. The details were funny, in a horrible sort of way. He addressed the College of Tempters, and complained about the food -- which was damned souls. But mostly he talked about our world. Since he was evil, he didn't relax at the pub watching the telly; he plotted ways to hurt people and other devils. His personality was so breathtakingly awful you could hardly confuse him with your next-door neighbor.

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But the portrayal of Satan as small-time hustler trying to work out the angles on his latest deal with the big man...it just doesn't make it somehow.

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