posted
I thought this would be finished weeks ago, and I also thought it would be around 4000 words. Wrong on both counts.
SF, 9000 words. Need readers.
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Saskia knelt inside the giant man-eating plant checking the repair to the puppet's control bar. The puppet stank. She never noticed the months of sweat impregnating the foam and fabric when she was performing, but the odor was overwhelming now.
She heard the muffled murmur of conversation. The techies probably wanted to know when she would clear the stage. One of them said her name, sounding like he had forgotten she was in the puppet. Saskia ignored him and opened the jaw to test it.
As the giant puppet moved, he yelped. Saskia grinned. There were days when she loved her job. Then the techie said, "Saskia? There's a detective here to talk to you."
Saskia almost dropped the puppet. Detective? Clambering out of the puppet, she started running through the list of friends and family who might be in trouble, but came up blank.
The techie stood next to a stocky man, maybe Indian, maybe South American; she'd never been good at guessing. The man wore AI interface glasses, which meant he had an Artificial Intelligence as an invisible partner. His crisp suit made Saskia acutely aware that she still wore the sweat-stained bike clothes she performed in. Her hair was probably a snarled rat's nest.
I don't think I've got time at the moment. A couple of points, though.
Firstly, "Saskia nearly dropped the puppet" - she's inside it, so should this be the puppet's controls, rather than the puppet itself?
Secondly, the "AI interface glases, which meant he had an Atrificial Intelligence as an invisible partner" felt like clunky-exposition - almost an "as you know, Bob" from the POV character to we-the-audience. Just let us see he's wearing an AI interface, and let us work out the rest, or drop in something when he actually communicates with the AI later.
Otherwise, it's good. Maybe if I can clear my three o/s crits this week I could take a look... I'll let you know.
posted
I think this story would definitely fall under -- "write what you know." I couldn't resist the chance to read it. Send it to wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
I agree with tchernabyelo about the introduction to AI glasses. There is probably a better way to get this information out. Maybe show Saskia's reaction to them.
posted
The trouble with "write what you know" is that many things are obvious to me, that confound others. For instance, "She nearly dropped the puppet." Thanks for catching that for me.
Is this better?
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Saskia knelt inside the giant man-eating plant checking the repair to the puppet's control bar. The puppet stank. She never noticed the months of sweat impregnating the foam and fabric when she was performing, but the odor was overwhelming now.
She heard the muffled murmur of conversation. The techies probably wanted to know when she would clear the stage. One of them said her name, sounding like he had forgotten she was in the puppet. Saskia ignored him and hefted the puppet into its operating position.
As the giant puppet moved, he yelped. Saskia grinned. There were days when she loved her job. Then the techie said, "Saskia? There's a detective here to talk to you."
Saskia almost dropped the puppet. Detective? Clambering out of the puppet, she started running through the list of friends and family who might be in trouble, but came up blank.
The techie stood next to a stocky man, maybe Indian, maybe South American; she'd never been good at guessing. The man wore AI interface glasses--he was more than a detective if he had an Artificial Intelligence as an invisible partner. His crisp suit made Saskia acutely aware that she still wore the sweat-stained bike clothes she performed in. Her hair was probably a snarled rat's nest.
posted
Mary, I'll read if you still need someone. What I have to say so far: I understand what's happening (except how she could drop the puppet that she's in -- that's still confusing to me), and I'm hooked. Rarely do I see a first 13 here, or elsewhere, that works so well.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Thanks, John, wbriggs and Survivor. I got some good critiques in my first round and am doing a rewrite of one scene. I should have it finished by tomorrow evening and will send it then.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
My server got hit by lightening yesterday. I lost my website and my email--it's not supposed to be up until tonight or tomorrow. Meanwhile, would you mind using my address at Shimmer?
posted
This intro is great, I'm really hooked by the AI interface glasses concept. I'm still confused about the whole dropping of the puppet. Is she holding the puppet or inside of it? I picture the puppet being at least human size since she is kneeling inside of it. Is it the controls she almost drops? Lastly, and I'm unsure if this is a bit too picky but the word impregnating struck me as odd, I thought permeated might work a bit better. I hope your sever and email are back in working order.
[This message has been edited by Phrasingsmith (edited August 08, 2005).]
I thought this line was a little out: Clambering out of the puppet, she started running through the list of friends and family who might be in trouble, but came up blank.
Did she come up blank because she couldn't think of any friends or family, or because she didn't know of any who might be in trouble?
I know it's the latter...but still.
I think it would work better if you just scrub the 'but came up blank'. That way, she would still be wondering about it until the detective told her what was up. The way it is now, its as though she already knows that her friends and family aren't in trouble, just because she cant think of a reason that they might be.
posted
I gave up. I had Saskia initially in a body puppet because it's the closest relative to motion-capture in stage puppetry. The price I would have had to pay to explain how one can drop a puppet that one is inside wasn't worth it. I've switched to a more recognizable type of puppetry. See below:
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Saskia rested her weight on the leaning rail as she restrung the left headstring on the marionette's control. On the stage below her, the Snow Queen's head slowly eased back into balance. Holding the control in her hand, Saskia felt the marionette telegraph its stance back up the strings. She ran the Snow Queen across the stage to check the repair, barely conscious of her own body on the bridge above the stage. There were days when she loved her job.
One of the techies stood at the foot of the ladder to the bridge. "Hey, Saskia? There's a detective here to talk to you."
Saskia almost dropped the marionette.
Detective? The techie stood next to a stocky man, maybe Indian, maybe South American. She had never been good at guessing, particularly from the bird's eye view of a marionette bridge.
She hung up the Snow Queen and scrambled down the ladder, running through the list of friends and family who might be in trouble. The man wore AI interface glasses. She shivered; he had an Artificial Intelligence as an invisible partner. His crisp suit made Saskia acutely aware that she still wore her sweat-stained performance clothes.
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Now, for those of you who are curious, the puppet that she was in was an Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors. The puppet consists of a hollow shell. A bar controls the upper jaw and a strap controls the lower jaw. It is worked either on the floor, or balanced on the performer's legs. In the standing position, it is very easy to drop the eighty to one hundred and twenty-five pounds of weight simply by straightening one's legs. Think of it like being inside a large upside down basket. You can pick it up, but you can also drop it.
posted
Looks good and I'm able to understand now both the original and the new draft. I'm unsure how important the other puppet was to the original story, but thought that your short explanation immediately following your new intro was very helpful and if you could work a small part of that into the intro then it would be clear for a non-puppeteer like myself.
One other small issue was the "She had never been good at guessing," left me wondering about what. Adding nationalities would have been helpful to me.
posted
Wait for it Survivor. The marionette thing pays off in the end. And the type of puppet wasn't important, its the fact that she's working a puppet that is.
Besides, when I initially had the first kernel of an idea for this story it was while I was in an Audrey II and heard people talking outside, who had clearly forgotten that I was in the puppet. At the time I thought, that it would be a great setup for a murder. The puppeteer, inside the puppet, is the only witness to a crime. I may still write that story.
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