posted
It's a 5850 word short story that I have had some of you read already. I submitted it and got some good feedback on it, so I reworked it, especially the ending. Actually, I completely changed the ending. Honest feedback is appreciated.
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I followed Harold into the Spinning Pheasant a little after eight o’clock. He wore an enormous black coat that conveniently fell all the way to his ankles, so Papa didn’t see me come in at first. Of course, I couldn’t help be noticed when I started moving around the pub, but by then I was safe. When the Pheasant was busy, I had freedom to move about. Papa would never make a scene with a pub full of customers, and I would never leave if he made less than a scene.
Papa didn’t like me within ten feet of the Pheasant, and the only whiff of ale I could get with his permission was what was on his breath and clothes. But if I got in on my own when the Pheasant was full of customers, I was free.
Once inside, I wove in and out of groups, saying hello to old friends, finally slipping behind the counter. I kissed Papa on the cheek as he poured Harold his regular--a pint of malt beer.
“A lady don’t hang about in pubs,” he told me like he did every night. I couldn’t get it into his head that I was no lady and that I was made for pubs. Ladies in those days played pianos and embroidered pillowcases and wore hoop skirts and corsets. They spoke in hushed tones and married for money. A lady you could knock over with nothing more than a stench. I, on the contrary, could beat anyone but Oliver Snipes at poker, wore only one petticoat, and could swallow a great deal of heavy liquor. Poor Papa.
[This message has been edited by Brinestone (edited August 04, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Brinestone (edited August 04, 2005).]
posted
Is there anyway to get an indication of the time period earlier? I'm afraid I was picturing a contemporary Irish pub. You wouldn't need much; a hint of corset would be enough for me.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
I like this beginning. You set up your main character really well with it. As Mary Robinette mentioned, I would like to see your setting developed a little stronger. I don't mean the pub -- that's well done -- but the time/place, as in 19th century London, or a world of your own. Also, unless the pub is going to be the scene for the main action of the story, you need to leave it fairly soon to get on with the action. If everything takes place in the pub, then the greater setting isn't as important either.
If you are not in any hurry, I would be willing to read it. Probably won't get it back to you until next week some time. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
posted
The setting is indeed 19th century London. How would you suggest making that obvious earlier (It's very obvious later) without saying "It was the spring of 1868 in London"?
Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2000
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posted
I'm not up on 19th century London, but maybe when your protagonists mentions either Harold's coat or her own clothing, she could make a reference to the style of the age. Maybe something like "Thanks to Queen Victoria's prudish styles I was able to sneak in behind Harold's enormous coat." This may not be exactly right, but something to that effect would give the information without pulling the reader out of the action.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Maybe not those words exactly, but referring to the style of coat is a good way of establishing the setting a bit.
"Ladies in those days" really threw me off. Is she supposed to be telling the story from much later in life? That might be something to work in right at the beginning as well.
The voice of the character is engaging in some ways but sort of confusing given the various assertions being made. There's also an odd emphasis present in some places where it doesn't make sense, like the particular detail that Harold's regular is a pint. It seems too normal to deserve such notice.
I think I recall seeing this one before, though I doubt I critted it for you. I'll decide in a bit whether I'm available to read. In that time I also might decide to change my email to something I can actually get at during the week.
posted
I'll work on describing the coat better. Survivor, yes, she is telling the story from much later (over a century later, but not at a specific time--one of those where it could be this year or 1960 or 2045, but that's kind of a spoiler). The question is, is that hint helpful/enticing, or is it just distracting?
Thanks for the tip on the pint. I don't know the first thing about alcohol or pubs, so I need all the help there I can get.
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