posted
It has some strong elements, but overall I'd say no. There are a couple of issues. One is that the POV isn't very solid. In fact, I'm not quite sure what POV we're looking at here. There is also the simple matter of the main/POV character you've chosen to start with here. A nine year old kid is going to be a hard POV for an adult to take seriously. Even if he's a convicted sociopathic (not psychotic, by the way) killer. Worse, it's hard for us to feel like immersing ourselves in a sociopath's mind right off the bat. The cuteness of it being a little kid in no way makes up for that.
For a "short" story this long, you can probably afford to start with something else, something that makes us care. And you should definitely iron out which POV you're going to use.
posted
When you say he is a "child killer". Do you mean he is a child that kills, or a killer of children? That confused me, because I read it as a killer of children. So I read it thinking he was an adult, until I was told he wasn't.
My assumption was based on the reasoning that a child wouldn't think of himself as a "killer of children". Since they are his peers, he would probably just think he was a killer.
Does that make any sense?
[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited August 04, 2005).]
posted
He is a child who kills other children. Further in the piece, the narrator comments on it.
Speaking of such, I purposley tried to use an overhead POV as to distance the voice from any attempt at commentary. To try to avoid romanticizing or denouncing the violence that comes into play later. Simply look at it coldly, as Duane would.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited August 04, 2005).]
posted
I like this. Now, it's possible that on the very next line you'll do something to break my belief in this child POV, but so far, I'm convinced. He cares only for himself; his issues are with people looking at him (you coul d play up the immaturity a little more); I get it.
My suggestions are nits. ADDITIONS, and [deletions]. -- Duane Morris was a child killer.
[A]
"Child killer." It rolled off his tongue like any other phrase he had ever spoken before. [He talked of his crimes as calmly and openly as a little kid recalling his adventures at summer camp. Part of that was due to the fact that Duane Morris was a little kid. Undeniably psychotic, but a nine-year-old and kid, nonetheless.][I'D SKIP THIS BECAUSE IT'S NOT CLEARLY FROM HIS POV.]
The shrinks asked him if he felt sorry for what he’d done. Duane [Morris] didn’t know[, but he would think of the question from time to time. It wasn’t for the psychiatrists sake, but for his own]. They claimed Duane has no emotions [WHOA! A PSYCHOLOGIST SAYING SOMEONE HAS NO EMOTIONS? HOW ABOUT: THEY CLAIMED HE DIDN'T SHOW EMOTIONS. I'D ALSO SUGGEST "THEY CLAIMED HE HAD A FLAT AFFECT," BUT WE SHOULD STICK WITH WORDS DUANE WOUDL UNDERSTAND.] that he wasn’t capable of remorse. [Duane would think of that, too.]
“How’s it I don’t have no remorse when I feel sorry for myself[,]?” Duane [would] askED [TAKE US INTO A PARTICULAR MOMENT -- IT'LL BE MORE FUN][, and t] The shrinks [HOW ABOUT: DR. SMITH AND DR. JONES] [would] lookED at each other.
And it was true, he did feel sorry for himself. Sorry that he wound up in this place, with these bastards in Polo ties and wingtip shoes who scrutinized his every move, wrote down everything he said and did onto a clipboard that they never let him read. [BETTER WATCH OUT FOR GIVING TOO MUCH SUMMARY. I THINK THIS IS OK, BUT TAKE US INTO THE MOMENT, TOO.]
posted
I loved the premise (dark little me), but I also thought you were talking about an adult who killed children until I was told otherwise. I thought some of your adjectives and comparisons were oddly chosen, but I loved the comparison to him telling of his crimes as if they were misadventures at a summer camp. Good way to show us it is a child whose morality isnt sharply defined. Well done.
Posts: 35 | Registered: Jul 2005
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