posted
Here's a bit of rough draft I hacked out today. There not much more, but one paragraph. I'd like to see if it sinks or swims, usually I don't write futuristic sci-fi.
------------------------------------ None of this is real. Or so read the rainbow graffiti sprayed across the gym floor. For Todd, the colors were a welcome sight. Not that he had a favorite color. But he did have a least favorite, the translucence that glossed the buildings, the streets, and everything else in New Manhattan. He hated it. Hated it.
The city perched atop Vinson Massif’s slopes. Its nanocarbon shell allowed folks to make out the ever-vanishing ice shelves, yet remained strong enough to withstand the harsh Antarctic winter. For all its marvels, it could never compare to its Todd’s old home, submerged beneath six feet of water.
posted
Intriguing start. A couple of points that left me scratching my head...
The dialog about colors could use a tweak. Maybe say the bold rainbow graffiti... something to indicate the opacity, the vividness of it in contrast to transluscent color. They both have color but transluscent material can be "rainbow" in effect too.
And ..."Vinson Massif’s slopes." It sounds like a person's name to me. You might specify if it's a mountain? A hillside? A large sumo wrestler? What?
Beyond those two little nits, you have a good hook going. Sorry I'm swamped, otherwise I'd offer to read. (I shouldn't even be here... )
posted
Yes this is an intriguing start. One other issue that caught my eye would be " it could never compare to its Todd’s old home,".
Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
What I find most intriguing about this introduction is that New Manhattan lies in Antartica. And I wonder what happened to Todd's old city (presumably "Old Manhattan") that it now lies submerged under six feet of water. Things must have gone really bad to force people to move and build in the Antartic. So, I think the setting is highly intriguing, which makes me ask loads of questions. This is good.
However, the intro troubles me because it shifts from the gym, where the graffiti has been sprayed, to describing the city and its nanocarbon shell. My point is, what is Todd doing in the gym, and can the description of city wait until it's supremely pertinent? If Todd doesn't have any real business in the gym, then consider not starting there. Graffiti can be sprayed anywhere, one assumes. But if he does have business in the gym, then consider focusing on that before venturing outside and describing the city and where it sits on the hill/mountain.
Unless, of course, the the city is viewable through a screen or window from inside the gym, and in which case, that should be clearly stated, in my opinion. (On a tangential nitpick, "translucence" isn't a color. Pretty much any color can be translucent if it allows light to pass through diffusely. So, I had a hard time visualizing what you mean. Another word might be better perhaps? Maybe rephrased to be more specific?)
Basically, though, my main issue is the transition from the first paragraph to the second paragraph. Perhaps the city can be described immediately, but as is, it doesn't work for me. I felt a bit jarred. Can this information be presented in a different way or that transition made smoother?
posted
I'm odd man out here. I'm not repulsed, not at all, but I'm not interested. Todd doesn't like a translucence (I don't understand what this means yet), and he doesn't like his Antarctic city much, I think. I'd think: what's the main thing in the story, that makes it cool? Maybe start there.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I think that you've got a great setting and utilize adjectives well--I already have a picture in my mind of this futuristic New Manhattan, and I'm already trying to figure out what happened to Todd's former home (current guess: global warming, but I think I'm probably wrong).
One thing that's thrown me off a bit is the graffiti itself. It's a good contrast with the city, but almost too much. Like, why is the graffiti in the gym? It seems odd from my perspective, and I'd rather you tell me why it was sprayed there--I don't see all that much graffiti around gyms I visit. Is there any more graffiti besides "None of this is real", like the gym is a regular place to see graffiti sprayed, or is this one sentence all alone and unusual? It just bothered me a little.
posted
I won't rehash what the other reviewers said. Looking purely at the idea and what you've written so far I think it's got potential - at least as an idea story. We don't know enough about the character yet. Speculative fiction about a post-/enduring global climate world is timely.
Posts: 87 | Registered: Aug 2005
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Hope you don't mind if I go over this, newbie that I am:
quote:None of this is real. Or so read the rainbow graffiti sprayed across the gym floor.
This confused me a bit. What is rainbow grafitti? Is this some new form of paint, or just a bunch of colors from different spray cans? And why would spray paint be allowed in the first place?
quote:For Todd, the colors were a welcome sight. Not that he had a favorite color. But he did have a least favorite, the translucence that glossed the buildings, the streets, and everything else in New Manhattan. He hated it. Hated it.
Translucence doesn't register as a color in my mind, either.
As for "New Manhattan" -- I don't know why, but I always cringe when I come across "New Tokyo" or "New Florida" in sci-fi. I know that it's a human tendency (New York, New Zealand) but it sometimes seems unimaginative because it's been done over and over in this genre.
I liked the repeated "hated it", though.
quote:The city perched atop Vinson Massif’s slopes. Its nanocarbon shell allowed folks to make out the ever-vanishing ice shelves, yet remained strong enough to withstand the harsh Antarctic winter.
"Nanocarbon shell" next to "folks" jarred a little in tone. Would people really call it a nanocarbon shell? It's like calling my phone a cellular telephone.
And aren't all Antarctic winters harsh?
quote:For all its marvels, it could never
What are those marvels? Do we get to see them later on?
quote:compare to its Todd’s old home, submerged beneath six feet of water.
At first I thought this referred to an underwater station -- then belatedly made the global warming link.
Just my opinions, of course. Use or toss them at will. I like the concept of a guy in a city that's truly "Down Under"....
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