posted
Elan suggested I post a fragment and let you all have a hack at it . This is the first 13 lines of an alternate history novel. British spellings!
I'm not looking for readers, so don't all run away screaming .
Theo dipped his head to nuzzle me. A small recompense for his having dumped me yet again. Gasping for breath, I began the long process of pushing myself back to my feet.
Mescobal rode Asfarian nearer, and the grey also showed an interest in me, nostrils working as he investigated me with his narrow head.
When on Theo's back, I was able to conceal my weakness; on the ground, it was a different matter. He towered above me like a burnished gold cliff--and one I needed to climb.
Forcing myself up, I leant against my horse, and sucked in air. Irritating little spots danced in front of my eyes. Hard to resist the temptation to try to brush them away.
posted
I'm finding the profusion of strange names a little difficult to cope with right out the gates. And Theo is a man's name. It took me a beat or two to figure out this was a horse you were referring to and not a former boyfriend.
Here are some suggestions:
Theo dipped his head to nuzzle me[, a] small recompense for his having dumped me yet again.
Mescobal rode [his mount,] Asfarian nearer[.] The grey also showed an interest in me, nostrils working as he investigated me with his narrow head.
When on Theo's back, (I'm still thinking this is an old boyfriend at this point, a weird boyfriend no less) I was able to conceal my weakness; on the ground, it was a different matter. He towered above me like a burnished gold cliff--and one I needed to climb. (At this point I'm thinking, either this is eroticism or a horse.)
Forcing myself up, I leant against my horse, (Ah ha!! It IS a horse!!) and sucked in air. Irritating little spots danced in front of my eyes. [It was h]ard to resist the temptation to try to brush them away.
"You are tired, Aquilla sir," Mescobal said. [Is Aquilla another horse? Too many names, not clear on who is who, and with horses having people names it was even harder to discern.)
posted
Your first I think three paragraphs could be gamooshed together. Not a change in anything except the paragraph breaks--I think that'd make for a better read.
I liked the names--but I find a lot of people will get discouraged when you put weird names early in your stories; but that opinion is not overly valid because my weird names often have syllables numbering in the teens.
How is Aquilla pronounced? Just "uh-kwill-uh"? Or is it "uh-kee-luh"?
I also thought the horse was the persons old boyfriend. Put in a comment about horse breath or lips or bits or teeth or hooves or something and that'd be all cleared up.
posted
Hrm. I must be alone in this, but the profusion of names really didn't bother me too much... sure, I had to go back through and reread it to get them all straight, but I'm one of those weird folks who LIKE doing that.
However, since I did have to read the passage more than once to catch all the names, and most people aren't as forgiving of that as I am, I would suggest leaving out the names of the horses at this point, and slip them in later if they are really necessary. Just the main character and his buddy really need names at the beginning.
posted
That's funny. I thought this Thoe guy was nuzzling some girl and that he'd just "dumped" her. He, he....I wondered: Why does she keep going back to this guy if he keeps dumping her? And why is she letting the scum-bag nuzzle her. I'd wack him one.
(Yes, my mind is a scarry place.)
Then as I kept reading I realized it was a horse and I went back and reread it with a "Oh".
The different names didn't bother me though. I'd say just make sure to tell us right out of the gate that it's a horse to avoid boyfriend confusion.
posted
My critique partner and I put our heads together and came up with this fix, which we hope will resolve your concerns without interfering with the narrator's voice:
Theo dipped his head to nuzzle me. A small recompense for his having dumped me from the saddle yet again. Gasping for breath, I began the long process of pushing myself back to my feet.
[This message has been edited by BuffySquirrel (edited August 12, 2005).]
posted
The first time I read this, I thought Theo had muzzled Aquilla, so Aquilla was a dog and it fit the title, until I read about him trying to get on a horse and became really confused. Now I see it says nuzzle and I am little cleared up.
I put a lot of emphasis on titles, so I guess you mean something like an oddity within a group kinds of thing (I can't tell yet which wolf characteristic you will take to contrast with a dog characteristic).
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 12, 2005).]
posted
I like the other feed back...I have just one thing to add. The names didn't bother me but the use of the word "me" so much did. Just my thought. Keep on writing.
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
The new version is better with "saddle" stuck in there, but the first sentence still feels kind of misleading. The first thing someone will picture is a guy named Theo nuzzling the narrator. I know it would be akward to say: "Thoe, the horse," like it's a book for a thrid-grader.
I don't know, it's probably fine. I'm just still having flashbacks of Theo--the loser--dumping his girlfriend for the umpteenth time. My vision is tainted.
quote:Theo dipped his head to nuzzle me. A small recompense for his having dumped me from the saddle yet again. Gasping for breath, I began the long process of pushing myself back to my feet.
Minor Nit: I'm still bothered by the second sentence. It would flow smoother to say: "It was small recompense..." or else merge it with the first sentence. While I personally use truncated sentences as part of my narrative voice, I think starting your story out with one gives a bad impression.
And I'm still feeling the need to be anchored that this is a horse, although using the words "saddle" help. A little. Like pixy, I'm tainted from having first read the initial version. And from having a dirty mind. The term "in the saddle" is, *ahem* not uncommon when referring to intimate relationships.
You might start with something like: My horse nuzzled me, a small recompense for having dumped me. Gasping for breath, I began the long process of pushing myself back to my feet. "Theo," I grunted, "That wasn't nice."
Once you've anchored us as to who Theo is, you can jump more comfortably (for the reader) into the unique narrator voice. And now we can easily follow what comes after.
I MIGHT add, since I forgot to say this last time, this IS an interesting hook. And ultimately that's more important. I'm curious as to who this person is, and what her ailment is that makes her physically challenged?
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 13, 2005).]
I'm new here, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt.
I had no idea that this involved horses, as well. When a "grey" was mentioned without context, I thought I was reading about an alien with large nostrils.
Liked "Asfarian", though -- sounds Armenian.
[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 13, 2005).]
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. This is the first 13 lines of an alternate history novel. British spellings!
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