posted
Genre: Africa -- Fiction Placement: Possible novel prologue Length: 5260 words (so far)
Hello everyone -- This is my first attempt here at the Hatrack, but feel more than free to tell me what you think. Thanks!
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After the mosquito, it is said that the most deadly creature in Africa is the hippopotamus. Year after year they claim more lives than leopards, cheetahs and lions, combined. Far from the gentle, wallowing characters that inhabit zoos and children's books, wild hippos are fiercely territorial, with eight-inch teeth that can impale a man through the heart. They are cunning, unpredictable and can strike without warning; which is why, perhaps, that it was Divine Providence that Pete Van Niekerk got away with nothing more than a crushed vertebrae and a few bruises when a hippo attacked his fishing canoe on Lake Kariba.
WHAM! Pete and his canoe went flying into the air. He spun and landed on his back so hard that he couldn't breathe for several horrible, bewildering seconds. The canoe slapped onto the water sideways; the hippo grabbed it with its massive pink jaws and pulled it under. A flock of birds startled from dead wood perches. Bubbles rippled and became still.
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[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 13, 2005).]
posted
you're first paragraph isn't the start of a short story, it's a needless prologue. Everything in the first paragraph should be shown through the story. it's not that entertaining when the setup of the story is spelled out in broad letters (I'm aware of the irony of saying that about a short story) right in the first paragraph. Suspence is an element to writing that many novice authors often overlook. Without suspence there is no point in reading on.
What's more thrilling, seeing a guy get mauled by a hippo out of nowhere, or being warned about it ahead of time so we know it's comming. And you didn't forshadow, you flat out told us what is comming
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited August 13, 2005).]
posted
Whether it's a novel or a short story, starting with a block of exposition is usually a bad idea. Start with an interesting character doing something interesting, usually involving a problem, and subtly work in the exposition as needed.
The fact that Pete is being attacked by a hippo is enough to tell us that hippos attack, you know?
posted
Always, one to seem like the odd man out--I thought the first paragraph was quite interesting. A little bit fuddled and could do with tightening, but it had some points of learning for me.
I quite like books where I learn about stuff. Probably why I dont mind Dan Brown too much, but other authors cant seem to stick him.
Didn't like the WHAM business at all though.
[This message has been edited by benskia (edited August 13, 2005).]
posted
I agree that the first paragraph is entirely needless exposition. However...benskia seems to have a point, in that that paragraph is more interesting than your second paragraph.
Part of this is because the first paragraph basically ruins the second paragraph. We know that he's getting attacked by a hippo, we know he survives with a crushed vertebra (and a few bruises, which hardly seems worth mentioning), we know where this happens, and to whom it happens, we know it was sudden and ended before anything worse could happen.
So the second paragraph is providing no new information, in other words, it is rendered entirely needless
Worse than that...the action presented in the second paragraph isn't more interesting than the information presented in the first. Of course, I already knew all the information about how dangerous hippos are. Anything that can take one a Nile crocodile in its native environment has my healthy (and wanting very much to stay that way) respect. So that whole part wasn't edge of my seat interesting.
Really, it's on comparing "it was Divine Providence...on Lake Kariba" with the latter paragraph that the second paragraph comes up short.
I'm not sure that all of that can be attributed to the "WHAM!", but that does seem like a problem.
posted
I also liked paragraph 1 (although I think it woudl work better if it were funny). However, you list this as a possible novel prolog. I recommend against prologues, and so does OSC, and I think many others do too. Why not just start with the action in Chapter 1?
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I haven't read anyone else's post because then it would mean someone else might have already said what I wanted to say.
First, prologues are bad. Never invite a reader to skip something in your book if it contains anything adding to the plot.
Second, I don't like the way you go from telling the result of the situation with Pete's injury and then skip back to the actual situation itself. You even make it seem like he is dead when the water become still again, which makes no sense anyway.
Third (I hate using this first, second, third, etc. thing, but I'm tired), just say "luck", not "Divine Providence". It is a tired word, but so is a lucky situation for your character. Say he escaped the jowls of death, but I guess that is cliche too.
Fourth, onomatopeia (yeah, I can spell), is bad. I don't care what anyone says. I feel like I am reading something from third grade when someone uses those horrible words.
Finally, I see absolutely no direction in this story. Pete is attacked in Africa. At this point, I don't care if he has to survive there in the harsh wilderness, is nursed to health by a future love interest, gains power from a witch doctor, or becomes a hippo. Frankly, I want Pete to never surface because I don't even care who he is. I care more about the hippo cutting his lip on the boat than Pete at this point.
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 15, 2005).]
quote:Frankly, I want Pete to never surface because I don't even care who he is. I care more about the hippo cutting his lip on the boat than Pete at this point.
*laugh*
This is great feedback. No, really. Before I came here, I had no idea how important the first thirteen lines were. Hopefully I'll be able to use what I've learned for my next attempt.
posted
I don't really have anything new to add to the above comments. I just wanted to say welcome to the board! It's always nice to meet members who really do want constructive crtisism and are serious about writing. You fit right in. Posts: 189 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Wow...I said all that. I must have been really tired last night or something. I mean I try to get my point across, but that part about Pete drowning and just the words I used were a tad on the mean side. So sorry for being a little more than I usually like to Varishta. That doesn't mean I don't stand by what I said, it just means I would have watered it a little down had I not just gotten off a bad day at work.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I thought the first paragraph was good. A wee bit wordy and could use a little trim, but good.
I submit to you that the second paragraph isn't necessary. I am assuming Pete ends up receiving some medical attention. You could pick it up at that point, when the doctor in the hospital asks him, "So, what happened?" Then Pete can relate what is relevant from his point of view.
One word of caution: Don't allow three or four critiques to scare you into swiftly altering your text. Gather all the comments and let them ferment for a few days. Then, once you've read and digested what others say, THEN go back and review the manuscript with fresh eyes. Trust your own wisdom to do what is right for your story.
posted
I like the first paragraph. I agree with everyone about the second paragrah. by the end of the second paragraph I'm not sure I care about what happens next.
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