posted
Looking for reaction to this opening. I'm struggling to decide what voice and POV to use for this story. The story itself is written inside my head, and I'm leaning toward an omniscient narrator because this is a concept piece. I'm not looking for readers at this time. Thanks.
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It was quite unexpected for the potential end of the universe to arrive in the form of a letter, but just such a letter was about to be delivered to one Alistair Blythe, professor of physics at the Institute of Technology. At the time, Blythe was sitting in a slightly comfortable chair reviewing images from the optical probe he just inserted into the universe occupying better than two thirds of his laboratory.
In fact, it was the containment chamber that consumed most of the space. The universe itself was still quite young, occupying only the smallest fraction of a percent of the tank’s volume, but it was expanding rapidly. The optical probe was on the cutting edge of technology. Electromagnetic radiation was only discovered a short time ago, but David DeGoz was the leading authority on the subject, and his office was just down the hall from Blythe’s. DeGoz readily agreed to build the first optical probe when he learned what Blythe had in mind—to view an artificial universe from the inside!
quote: At the time, Blythe was sitting in a slightly comfortable chair reviewing images from the optical probe he just inserted into the universe occupying better than two thirds of his laboratory.
This required a double read for me and even after the second time it still didn't make sense. Only when I read the next two sentences did it make sense. I think the concept is great but I would have needed a bit more framing before the concept would have made sense at first pass.
Not sure about the DeGoz introduction, perhaps it's the timing. It seems to break off a very exciting idea too quickly.
posted
This sounds too Douglas Adamzy, which is, of course, not a bad thing, just not too much of an original thing. My guess if you've read some of his work recently and his voice crept into your writing. It happends. After finishing the dark tower serise I wrote like King for a solid month.
Anyway, the tone you use for this piece seems awfully laid back; a sharp counterpoint to the subject matter. Maybe this is intentional, maybe it's a joke (again, in the vien of Doug Adams) or maybe that's just the aloof attitude you choose to tell it in, but regardless, it kind of pulled me out of it because I knew with such of carefree attitude, nothing or real danger of suspence would happen, it's too jolly. Secondly, you go off into to much exposition right off the bat. A general rule of thumb would be to make the first page exposition free. Just have fun with the universe as if people already know what you're talking about
posted
That first line did remind me of Douglas Adams, but the rest showed your character was an intelligent human being and not some cardboard cutout whose life is sacrificed for a little humor. But don't take my opinion on British humor because I can't stand it...
I did like it though, if you need a reader just send me a copy (MysticJAC10@hotmail.com)
I'm brand new here, so take the following comments with a peck of electrons.
***
It was quite unexpected for the potential end of the universe to arrive in the form of a letter, but just such a letter was about to be delivered to one Alistair Blythe, professor of physics at the Institute of Technology.
**** "just one such a letter" seems to be the trigger that makes me think this will be a tongue-in-cheek story. If it is, keep it. If not, maybe there's another way to say this. ****
At the time, Blythe was sitting in a slightly comfortable chair reviewing images from the optical probe he just inserted into the universe occupying better than two thirds of his laboratory.
*** "was sitting" might work better as "sat" -- but then, why use that verb when you're in a chair, anyway? You could have him "recline" or "slouch" or do away with the thing altogether and just say he was in a slightly comfortable chair. (What makes a chair only slightly comfortable, by the way? *grin*) ***
In fact, it was the containment chamber that consumed most of the space.
*** Eh? This sentence made my mind do some mental gymnastics. ***
The universe itself was still quite young, occupying only the smallest fraction of a percent of the tank’s volume, but it was expanding rapidly. The optical probe was on the cutting edge of technology.
*** Somehow, I think there's a better way to say that something is on the cutting edge of technology. ***
Electromagnetic radiation was only discovered a short time ago, but David DeGoz was the leading authority on the subject, and his office was just down the hall from Blythe’s.
*** "but his collegue, Dr. DeGoz" might work better. ***
DeGoz readily agreed to build the first optical probe when he learned what Blythe had in mind—to view an artificial universe from...
*** There seems to be a lot of filling in past info here. ***
Despite the nit-picking above, this got my interest and I probably would find time to read the rest of it.
posted
The voice may remind you of Douglass Adams, but it is entirely mine. I've not read his work for well over a decade, but I have published works with this voice in the past. I'm just not sure it's the right voice for this piece.
-- I didn't understand the fact that the universe was in his room until reading other comments and then re-reading the piece. Looking back, I realize it states that quite explicitly, but since that didn't make sense, I glossed over it and thought that there was a large machine recieving messages from the probe in his room. It would help me if the first time the universe was mentioned, it was called an "artificial universe," instead of just "universe."
-- I'm not sure where the optical probe is. I mean, it's somewhere in the universe...but is it a tiny speck in there? A huge camera bigger than the stars? I can't visualize it.
-- Do modern scientists know about electromagnetic radiation? The way that sentance was stated, I can't tell if electromagnetic radiation is something futuristic and unknown to modern man, or if this story simply takes place on a different world that hasn't gotten there yet. Up until this point, I was pretty sure we were just on a futuristic earth. Now I'm wondering.
And what I really liked: Marvelous first sentance. By the end of these two paragraphs, I'm already wondering which universe is in danger -- the one we live in, or the one in his room. It makes an excellent hook. Good luck with this one.
posted
I found the piece intriguing. I didn't immediately jump to the Douglas Adams comparison although I see how the first lines could give that impression.
I guess I follow enough quantum physics not to be surprised/confused at the idea of the pocket universe and the probe.
The only problem I had was with the "new" electromagnetic radiation line. As one reviewer asked, new to whom?
As for POV. As an opener I think it's OK as is. If you decide to go 3rd or 1st person to write the remainder just insert some blank lines and keep on writing.
posted
Without going to the trouble to write the entire story here, you folks are on the right track in some avenues. I left out one important detail on the electromagnetic radiation and it should appear in those 13 lines, that is, the speed of light is excruciatingly slow.
The confusion you are feeling is intentional and will be cleared up within the first five hundred words. I intend the reader to put parts of this together themselves, which you are doing a fine job of with the limited information I posted, I might add.
posted
I think the voice is fine; Douglas Adams was a little less subtle with his humor.The one thing I DID think of was the bit from "Men In Black" with the galaxy encased in the cat's collar baubble. However, in response to your question as to whether that's the proper voice to use in this piece, I would want to know how long the story was going to be. That voice would be lovely for a short story, and annoying for a novel-length piece.
But overall I think it's an intriguing start and I would definitely keep reading. I'd call it a proper hook.
posted
The opening concept is good, but the POV flow isn't. I've no opinion either way on your voice.
The main problem is that the text jumps from one subject to the next far too quickly. First subject is the potential end of the universe arriving in the form of a letter. Then we jump to Blythe in his "slightly comfortable" chair, the containment chamber of the universe, the universe itself, the optical probe, electromagnetic radiation, DeGoz (who just appears out of nowhere), and so on. It's confusing and you use that "it was [reference of 'it']" structure to begin both paragraphs.
A good bit of this appears to be expositive and narrative summary, but it's terribly muddled.
posted
It's muddled mainly because I'm still doing exploratory drafts and can't quite settle on how I want to tell this story. In other words, the muddled draft is mainly a result of a muddled brain.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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posted
I'm new here, so this is an opinion of mainly a reader, not a writer. I thought the POV in this story was from the viewpoint of the professor. I was intrigued by the character of the professor....do you ever flesh out a character before you write a story? For instance, would you write-up a sort of outline for him? Ex: Does he like comfortable things? I immediately had a mental image of an old physics professor of mine who had designed something for commercial use that made him a multi-millionare, yet he still taught classes and wore frayed flannel shirts and jeans everywhere.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I'm unusual in that I haven't really done character sketches. I pretty much have in mind what personality I need for a given character. I don't use real people as models, and if I need something from their background, I work it in.
Case in point, in the story I posted a while ago on this forum titled "The Time Crystal" (since renamed to "What a Difference a Day Makes") there are three main characters. Two are cajun rednecks, and one is an alien. I took the unusual step of writing it in first person in cajun dialect. The characters are exactly what I intended, though it took until the 7th revision before I had the characterization correct. MAinly,I write the thing in my-speak in order to get the story down, then I rewrote the narrator's part into the dialect. I made a choice that works for me and the story, but it will turn off some readers, so there is a price to pay for that. The narator was flat, and needed justification for working strange hours and wanting to help a wounded alien. I went back and worked in that he was an ambulance driver.
The alien evolved into an intelligent but naive young spaceship crewman. When I needed background, I went back and inserted it into the story. That isn't very hard in a story under 5000 words.
When you get into a novel, a character sketch might be more helpful. It doesn't have to be detailed, nor does it have to be extensive. Just don't marry yourself to a character sketch (or an outline, for that matter) or you won't be able to include the great ideas you have while you actually write the thing. I made no character sketches in my first novel, but I had it in my head for several years. I tried the same thing with my second novel and with the decision to rewrite after getting 20,000 words into it, I may do formal character sketches this time.
Bottom line is that you have to try different approaches and choose what works best for you. Hope that helps.
[This message has been edited by Spaceman (edited August 16, 2005).]
posted
Hmmm...I usually have a pretty solid grasp on my characterization before I start writing. I don't usually write anything down outside the text for anyone but the main characters, but I could answer most questions about them pretty much off the cuff. Where did X go to school, how much does Y make a year, what is Z's family like, stuff like that.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I do not see much ressemblance to Douglas Adams, and the voice works fine. I also do not have any trouble with the first paragraph of the opening, and with the first two sentences of the second paragraph. The rest of that last paragraph threw me out of the story. I think because mostly the reference to the first optical probe sounds like something you could do without, or at any rate like something that does not vitally need to be inserted into the story at this point. Otherwise, the rest is fine, and effective.
(edited for minor typos)
[This message has been edited by Silver3 (edited August 18, 2005).]
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