posted
The discussions in another forum about POVs got me thinking. This is the first 13 (roughly) of novel I've been working on for a while. I'm not looking for readers, I'd just like to know what people might think of opening the story in this tense. Would you keep reading, or does it turn you off completely? ------------------------------------------- Security is Control.
These words are inscribed above the entrance to the headquarters of Special Criminal Investigations. The Branch of the True Order.
They also reflect the sentiments of every loyal subject of the Sovereign. The True Order has brought peace throughout their society. Peace and security. No one can argue about that. The history books tell the stories as plain as day. And no one doubts the history books. But the truth is simple. They know that security will exist only as long as they allow it to. The Sovereign would never lie to them.
posted
Reminds me of Orwell -- "IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH", etc.
I just got finished venting about tenses in another thread, so you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but -- why current tense? Does it actually help the storyline, or is it just because it makes things sound different and exciting?
posted
Actually, I used current tense for a number of reasons. Mostly because it just appealed to me. The present tense I only used for world-building. I thought it would be a new approach. In a sense, it's because I'm lazy, and giving it all up front allows me to jump into the story.
Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Because the tense in this passage refers to ongoing conditions, it is not really problematic.
Your POV (or lack of same) is a bit more troubling. But not insurmountable. Since I'd tend to doubt that your entire story can confine itself to describing those elements of your milieu that are static at the beginning of the story, I'd probably keep reading for a while. But I would expect that everything mentioned in this section would be absolutely critical to the story. And I would get really bored of this after about another page of it.
But I'm not bored yet. And I can see that everything being stated is significant. You haven't lost me yet.
posted
I actually like the use of present tense in this case, since it gave me the feeling of seeing the setting myself. I agree with Survivor, though: I think I would lose interest if either action or dialogue didn't start within the next couple paragraphs.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
And I'll second those comments. Tense fine for describing a current situation (if you said "these words were" then you'd either be implying that the situaton has since changed, or that you were narrating inside a POV character who was reading those words).
I don't have a problem not being inside a recognisable POV yet. So long as this is Important Stuff (and you effectively make it sound like important stuff) then I'm happy to read on, for a while.
posted
I'm a little put off. It feels a little preachy, to me. I would like it better if the side being presented were almost reasonable -- if there were something appealing about it. I don't like it all being one-sided. (OK, 1984 got away with it, but that worked for me because it was shocking how something could be _that_ awful. I don't think you're going for that.)
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I agree that the 1984 parallel is quite strong, especially the history books. I think the lack of a clear new angle on this turns me off more than the tense.
In fact, the tense itself really doesn't bother me. Survivor pretty much nailed that one. I don't like "above the entrance to the headquarters of," but my main complaint is that the first sentence/paragraph is visual description, but doesn't give me an image. Is the HQ of SCI a skyscraper? a subterranean complex? a room? a pentagonal building?
I'm not sure if I would keep reading or not. An introduction is okay; a dedicated info-dump is not. For a novel I guess I'd give it a pretty good chance (again as Survivor said), but as intriguing as the premise is, you're kind of cheating by "giving it all up front."
Out of curiosity, Varishta, what's wrong with current tense? It seems like you're treating it as guilty until proven necessary. I can see where a story written in present tense might take getting used to, but once you're used to it . . . no problem, right? Add the bonus of never having to worry about compound past tense, and it's downright valuable.
posted
agree with Survivor on the tense, and with the others who've suggested establishing POV and some action.
corvus, there are some discussions about present tense in the Open Discussons About Writing forum. The very short version: past tense is essentially invisible (like "he said"); other approaches tend to draw attention to themselves, rather than to the story. It can succeed but most often just intrudes.
posted
Second most of the comments on the page. I won't be able to keep up for long if you don't introduce a main character. I'm not sure about having the whole story in present tense; I know it doesn't bother me most of the time, but then most of the time there was no particular reason for that tense to be used (nothing that was done in present that could not be done in the past). I think that paradoxically present tense tends to create more of a sense of unreality. I'd suggest ending the setting bit pretty fast (if you go over one page of it, I'll give up) and move on to the story. Other than that, this is a good beginning, and I definitely would keep reading.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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