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It's about 900 words, SF, and I would like full critiques (or other comments). Thanks.
I want to send this to Shimmer, so editors of Shimmer, you might want to pass on critiquing (or not!). It's from the latest Flash Challenge at Liberty Hall.
"What is your earliest memory?" the alien asks. Its multiple eyes regard me from over its absurdly conventional desk, probably bought at Office Max.
I'm supposed to be learning the aliens' physics, but that's not why I don't want to answer. My earliest memory is of being an eight-year-old girl, hiding from my mother. I never knew what she was going to do -- simple threats, or lemon juice in the eyes, or the blows whose aftermath I still see as scars when I look in the mirror -- but I knew I wouldn’t like it. So I’d put myself under a pile of clothes -- lazy as she was, there was always a big pile of dirty laundry. Or in the attic -- she never made it up there. I usually couldn’t make it outside. She barricaded the doors.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited August 17, 2005).]
posted
Eight is kinda late for a first memory---my earliest memory dates to my eleventh month---but from the opening posted I have no idea of the life circumstances that might produce such a late first.
Posts: 8809 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I'm intrigued by the opening and would welcome the opportunity to read and comment on the whole thing. You can email it to me at LMermaid@aol.com.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I thought for an opener there were too many details about her hiding from her mother. For a moment I was lost in the story of her childhood instead of the primary story. Normally, that's a good thing but for an opener I think a second storyline might be a distraction.
I'll read the story if you're still looking for reviews.
posted
Interesting, but your structure doesn't support it. You need to establish the scene before going into her childhood memories. Right now, it's just a standard "poor her" clause, since we don't know anything about her present at all.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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The first line seems to cue me up for a light-hearted story (the Office Depot reference) but then the tone dramatically changes when the narrator describes her abuse.
I agree that eight is quite late for a first memory, but then, I don't know the woman's circumstances. Pain usually strengthens a memory. (I remember being attacked by a dog when I was three like it was yesterday) Also, "blows whose echoes..." was a tricky construction for dialogue. Try reading it aloud.
You have me wondering what will happen next, though.
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I'm not one of those that edits every few posts, but I did edit the above based on Varishta's and Survivor's comments.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
My earliest memory is when I was six. Not everyone is the same. I tend to live in the present not the past and so do not think a lot about my past.
Posts: 575 | Registered: Dec 2003
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"Aftermath" works better than "echoes," but doesn't "blow" usually connote a fist or blunt weapon? How do they leave scars? If the scars are metaphorical (disfigurement?) then I'd just say "the blows whose scars I still see when I look . . ."
I felt a little cheated when the story abandoned the alien so quickly. I agree that the split between the paragraphs is serving mainly to distract.
posted
The line about learning alien physics is still too thin. You could try having her evade the question herself a bit longer before she explains why. And her eventual answer should be as close to an uncommunicative "besides, my earliest memories aren't pleasent ones, I usually try to forget them" as possible.
Of course, that might well be the bulk of your story that I just suggested slashing, but I don't think it is. I think you intend to have the alien come back into the story pretty soon and something good will happen. But as it is now, any attempt to carry that off would feel cheap, even though you technically mentioned the alien first.
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Will, can I take this opportunity to apologise for the critique I posted in response to this at Liberty Hall? I veered off critiquing the story and got into yammering about the psychology of it, and I shouldn't have done so. If I were you, I'd: a). give me a mild slap and b). take it as a compliment that the story actually got me emotionally involved.
Oh, by the way, I'm passably familiar with US culture and the big store names and so forth, but I've never come across "Office Max". I'm wondering if a more universal reference might be "Ikea"? That would play in Europe, as well as the US (or at least the parts of the US I know about).
quote:Oh, by the way, I'm passably familiar with US culture and the big store names and so forth, but I've never come across "Office Max". I'm wondering if a more universal reference might be "Ikea"? That would play in Europe, as well as the US (or at least the parts of the US I know about).
Well, Ikea is primarily a home-furnishing store, though it does sell some office stuff, if I recall correctly (my wife is fan). Whereas, Office Max (and Staples is another big chain in the US, which incidentally has arrived in SE London on Old Kent Road, I've noted), sells office supplies, equipment, and office furniture, with some stuff that's suitable for home offices and what not.
But tchernabyelo brings up a good point about localization. Whether an author should stick to real corporations or make up a name for their story would be a great topic for Open Discussions -- well, I think it would be.
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I think that, all things considered, sticking with "Office Max" is a pretty good idea. For one thing, even if you've never heard of it, the name tells you everything about the store. It's an office supplies superstore which caters to the image of "lots of okay goods at a low price". Even if there weren't such a store, the name would work just fine in the story.
Using "Ikea" would definitely lose points. Ikea brands itself as being more European and sophisticated, providing high quality products. They may be viewed differently in some quarters (I view them differently, for that matter, if you want really good furniture you get it hand-crafted, and that's that), but that only worsens the problem, because you can't rely on "probably bought at Ikea" meaning pretty much the same thing to all readers.
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