posted
I have rewritten the entire prologue and am now asking for readers. It is about 800 words. Anyway here's the first 13. ------------------------------------ There was a throbbing pain in Will’s head as he heard the door open. He tried opening his eyes, but couldn’t seem to muster up enough strength. “Will, wake up,” the nurse whispered quietly. “The surgery went great, and our tests show that the cancer cells are dying at a stable rate. Your parents have just arrived. Would you like them to come in?” Will tried opening his eyes again, and was able to force up his left lid. “Go ahead and tell them to come in,” he answered, his eye slowly adjusting to the light. The familiar figure of his mom entered the room first, followed by the larger figure of his dad. They stood barely beyond the door. “I have to say, Mr. Gardner, your son has a surprisingly high pain tolerance for a teenager,” the nurse said. “He hasn’t cried or complained at all." “He is a tough kid,” Will’s dad replied. Will’s mother asked the nurse if the operation had been successful. “The doctor says the enzymes have already rearranged the DNA to include CCRC, and many of the cancer cells have already been killed by Will’s immune system.” ----------------------------------------
[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited August 18, 2005).]
posted
My only complaint is just that I feel unattached. Like I've just walked in when the movie has already started. I have nothing to base this information, no foundation, so I'm kind of just floating. I know this is terribly vague and I'm sorry.
I'm also still unsure of how plausible this would be for some guy to be totally awake and comprehending all this. Maybe add a bit of fog to his head or something. Like: "The voices sounded like they were pushing through a wall of water" or something, everyone wearing little halos...I don't know.
Hope this helped. Sorry I can't read I've got to wack away at my stack a bit first.
posted
I can believe the idea that your character woke up from surgery able to understand the world around him: the one time I woke up from major surgery, It felt instantaneous: the pain woke me up and I was very lucid while I was yelling for more morphine....then I fell asleep again.....but I was in recovery, not my hospital room. Don't most hospitals make sure the patient wakes up before returning them to their rooms? Maybe that could be fixed if you have him wake up in recovery, then fall asleep and wake up again to find himself in his room.
Still, it's good writing. I'm intrigued by the premise, and I'm interested if you need a reader.
posted
Actually I forgot to edit that one line out of the story on rewrite. The nurse doesn't say the part about the surgery going great in the actual prologue. Edit: Kgater, I would be very grateful if you want to read it.
[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited August 18, 2005).]
posted
I'll try reading it. You could address the issue of Will being able to respond so clearly right after surgury. I didn't see it as major but it is an issue.
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