posted
I did this one awhile ago and figured I'd put the first 13 lines up here for a critique. I'm not looking for readers; I just want to know everyone's thoughts on the beginning.
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The soldier lay motionless on the ground with the harsh wind beating the sand against his body, like a thousand daggers slowly eating away towards his heart. He no longer heard the senseless noise of the gunfire that surrounded him. The chaos of the situation hardly fazed him; it was simply the background music to his thoughts, and in the back of his mind he heard the persistent knocking of someone wanting to be let in.
He didn’t know how long he had been laying there, defenseless, and useless because of his wounds. He remembered jumping from the truck with a gun in his hand. From the moment the door was opened, he had been firing bullets into the enemy lines. To find cover and shoot were the only thoughts on his mind. The nearly robotic maneuvers that he had been putting into play came almost as second nature; that’s what training is all about.
He remembered when his body first took the bullet. It wasn’t as painful as he had imagined. That was something he had always feared about being shot – the pain of when it first hits you; but, surprisingly, that was the farthest thing from his mind. What came as the most shock to him was the force behind the bullet as it drove into his body, lifting him off his feet and pounding him into the ground. He had never expected it; the pain came later.
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It's ever so slightly - how shall I put it? - on the symbolic side, which is what I like about the story. But I'm unsure whether it is cohesive with the rest of the story, or if it simply confuses the reader. It certainly would stand alone if I were to take it out.
[This message has been edited by jinkx (edited August 18, 2005).]
posted
I like the imagery, but it seems...choppy...which may be what you're looking for: like the soldier is coming in and out of consciousness. It sounds to me like it would be hard to continue the story after this: like these lines stand too much on their own. where did you take the story after this? Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I'm not so big on the lack of a name, or the somewhat vague POV. Going right from a poorly defined opening into a flashback also troubled me.
I'm also a bit put off by the fact that you describe him jumping directly into combat from the back of a truck, since you refer to "enemy lines" rather than an ambush. Trucks are simply not designed for combat insertions. If you're in a truck and the enemy starts shooting at you, then the driver is supposed to get you out of that situation, your training is to stay in the truck. Only if the truck is clearly disabled and you are ordered to abandon it would you jump out into combat. And they don't usually train you to do that, since it is expected that the truck might have crashed or flipped over in such a case.
After this he is shot twice more and eventually dies.
Going right from a poorly defined opening into a flashback also troubled me.
I new that the flashback would not escape being mentioned here. The reason why I did it this way is because I wanted to keep the story to exactly what was going through his mind as he was dieing. Perhaps I should do it differently.
Thanks for the technical information Survivor. I'll make sure I fix that part of my story.
NewsBys - Thanks for offering to read it. I wasn't looking for people to read the whole thing, but I guess it wouldn't hurt.
[This message has been edited by jinkx (edited August 20, 2005).]
posted
You know what? I'm going to suggest something a little unusual, as sort of an exercise.
Go somewhere and kind of act this scene out. I don't mean find a combat zone and get yourself shot or anything like that, of course. Find a location that approximately matches your setting in terms of the local terrain, for instance, if this is set on a beach or something, then find a beach.
Lie down somewhere as though you'd been shot and didn't get to choose where you fell. Ideally, it should be pretty uncomfortable, and you don't want to be too far away from man-made noises. A busy street/road will be plenty. Try and imagine that you're there, dying in the sand, until you can't feel the bits of gravel poking you in the back or hear the traffic or see the people walking about (if there are people walking about, you might creep them out a little).
This won't fully replicate the sense of lassitude that overcomes a person going into shock, especially from fatal wounds. But it could be fun and give you a boost for this piece.
posted
Wow, Survivor, I like that idea. I do it all the time and it works, but it makes people look at you when you are holding an imaginary conversation with yourself.
Jinkx, I like the story, but please use spell check. I was dumbfounded by the word "fazed", it's spelled "phased"...I hope.
posted
"fazed" is correct in that context. It means, roughly, disconcerted or stunned. "phased" would imply something related to a phase, or something cyclical, which I don't think is the intent. Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I was dumbfounded by the word "fazed", it's spelled "phased"...I hope.
LOL Actually I was confused by that one word too, and I had to look it up a couple of times to make sure. It is definately used correctly, but I still feel like it's wrong everytime I reread it.
I like the sound of that exercise survivor. I just might do it.
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