posted
Youth conference is the working title. Please let me know what you think of the opening.
-- Joe got on the bus ducking his head. Being six foot two was new to the 16 year old, he had just started to be concision of such in order to avoid hitting his head on things. Growing four inches in six months was a huge growth spurt and people would tell him he was still growing. Bumping his head and tripping over his own feet were just a few side effects of becoming a human giant. It was something he worried about when ever a he was around others. His thoughts of awkwardness was not what made him blush as he got on the bus.
“Wake up lately?” one said “Hey look Sleepy Smurf just made it” “Your such a bum” “Thanks, I always wanted to sit on a bus and wait for you for an hour.”
He had expected the jeers as he got on the bus. He was, after all, holding up a trip that was to start about a half an hour ago. The bus was rented by the church to get the youth group to youth conference. Joe knew who would be leading the jeering, he moved quickly and quietly, to the back of the bus. Ignoring the angry passengers as he passed. --
Ok I'm not sure how big 13 lines are but I counted the lines on my word processor and it's about 14.
posted
If his thoughts of awkwardness are not what made him blush, you should spend words on what did make him blush. That first paragraph spends a lot of words on his height (and you repeated yourself a little, too) for you to tell us it wasn't important.
Also, the jeers are confusing because they don't seem to have anything to do with his height.
I'd recommend that you have him think about how he has kept everyone waiting (the stuff in the last paragraph) because that seems to be more important to him.
posted
he had just started to be concision of such in order to avoid hitting his head on things.
This was very awkward for me. I still can't figure out what you meant by that sentence.
It was something he worried about when ever a he was around others. His thoughts of awkwardness was not what made him blush as he got on the bus.
These two sentences seem to contradict eachother. Perhaps you should link them together more smoothly by saying something to the extent of, "But today was different. When he got on the bus his thoughts of awkwardness were quickly forgotten as he met the jeers, making him blush."
Of course, I am assuming that it was the jeers that was making him blush, which you weren't very clear on either. And you were very vague on the reason why they were teasing him. You said he was holding up the trip, but never explained why. It has to be a very good reason. Because on most occasions, if you're late, the trip starts without you. Especially if you're as late as Joe was.
posted
I agree with the comments on spending your words. There seemed alot of info in the first part on his height that could have been shown us in one line (maybe) Also, why did the bus wait? Is he special or related to someone etc.
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I agree with the above, but will add that the only thing in this intro that hooked me at all was "Joe knew who would be leading the jeering." All this description of height problems and lateness helps set up a scene, but we only care about a scene because of the characters involved in it. That's especially true here, because both problems relate directly to the character. Knowing that your character just had a growth spurt doesn't make me particularly interested in him. Knowing that he may have a nemesis does.
Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I agree, and everything about this seems choppy to me. It's like you're jerking from one thought to another, without any real explanation of how we get from one thought to another. We just kind of end up there, and wonder how the heck that happened. I would work less on height, more on teasing, and definatly more on the leader of the teasing.
[This message has been edited by maria102182 (edited September 14, 2005).]
posted
Maybe you could reduce the element of the mundane by giving us more information about Suzy's emotional state - charge the beginning up with a sense of emotion and feeling to get the reader more involved.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2005
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