posted
I'm submitting this story soon. Here are the original 13 lines. I await your comments.
Shane
Great fear had come to Lovetron. Scientists, looking through their most powerful telescopes, had been aware for days of a fast-approaching ship. Now, it had docked at the Charity Space Station. Doctor Ivan Yu stared through the optics at the strange interloping ship. “It has some kind of lettering on it,” he said. Another scientist approached. “What does it say?” “I can barely make it out—wait a minute–it’s shifted position.” He squinted through the lens. “Here it is. H...A...T..E. Hate. Crap.” He looked around at the fear on the faces of the others around him. “Hate has come to Lovetron.” “Sweet heaven,” said a fat scientist, wiping his brow. “Oh no,” said a female scientist, her hand covering her mouth in terror. “Aiiieeeeeeeeee,” screamed a third as he ran out through the door and into the night.
“What does this mean, Doctor Yu?” It was the voice of the President. “Well, Mr. President, we have no military here, as you’re aware.”
[This message has been edited by Smaug (edited August 21, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Smaug (edited August 21, 2005).]
posted
The original title is "Hate Comes to Lovetron". I neglected to turn off Cybersitter, which loathes the word "hate". Posts: 440 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
There's strong indication that this is going to be allegory, which isn't my taste (or, I believe, that of many editors).
A few other small points. H-A-T-E. Hate. Crap. -> sounds like he's spelled out the letters and got "hate" and "crap." How about: Hate. Oh, crap. -> this sounds more as if "crap" is an interjection.
fat scientist; female scientist: if they recur in the story, you may as well name them now, I think! If not, maybe remove all but one, and name him.
"Mr. President, we have no military here, as you're aware": If this is meant literally, it wouldn't be said. Why tell the President something the President knows very well? This is to inform the reader. You can do this easily enough:
There was no military presence at Lovetron Station. "Mr. President ..."
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited August 21, 2005).]
posted
At first I thought I was reading the start of a "Futurama Script" which isn't bad. The names ans such make it sound cartoon like but that can work for you. I agree with the spelling out hate and the crap comment. Made it sound like they were same thing...
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Three criticisms: 1) You use too much passive voice. "Great fear HAD COME to Lovetron . . ."; "Scientists . . . HAD BEEN AWARE . . ."; "Hate HAS COME . . ." I think you would improve the storytelling if you sought to eliminate such pervasive passive-voice use
2) "Aiiieeeeeeeeee screamed a third as he ran out through the door and into the night." The sentence is awkward. At the best, "into the night" is superfluous and a little cheesy, at worst, it's a POV problem, unless Dr. Yu could somehow see what happened after Scientist III left the room. "Ayieeeeeee" is in the same vein. Something tighter and more subdued might create a better effect: E.g., "A third ran screaming from the room." C) "Well, Mr. President, we have no military here, as you’re aware." First, this isn't responsive to the President's question. At all. It's almost non-sequitur. Second, it's a pretty blatant info dump, made unattractive by the red-flag "as you're aware."
In general, I thought the idea was interesting. I'd be willing to look at the whole thing if you still want crits.
I stand by my vehement opposition to the word "Ayieeeeee," or any of its derivatives, appearing in any story. However, the desired cheesiness effect of the story is noted. Thanks for sending me the story--I'll get it to you (hopefully) by weekend's end.
posted
Okay--I'll have to think about that screaming part!! Get to it when you can--I'm in no hurry (well, maybe an itsy bitsy one, like sometime prior to October!).
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