Kazuki, his newest flute in hand, was the last one to join the impromptu wake. The sound of the percussion was overpowering, but his high, windy notes cut effortlessly through the throbbing rhythm. There were no chords and no choruses, just a haze of faces that shifted in his vision as he tried to forget -

Free improvisation had its own challenges, and Kazuki drew from remembered songs at first. He played for a long time, inventing nothing except new combinations. The feeling was like Zhang’s descriptions of fighting: his mind processed sounds automatically, but the flute didn’t play itself. It was an intensely engaging sensation.

Absorbed as he was, eventually Kazuki remembered, and realized that nothing was left to hold him back. The Resistance had trained him well: no one noticed him slip away.

(Original version)

Percussion dominated the night: steel drums, congas, clave and anything else that could be improvised or found on the black market. The rhythm was simple, but easy to drown in; the Resistance leaders were wise to choose music as the universal mode of therapy for the wake.

Yoshishima Kazuki still had one eye on the deepening violet of the western horizon as he stepped closer to the bonfire. An inexpert guitar tugged out the best bass-line available, but Kazuki began by following it. His flute responded with effortless purity of tone. Inside of two choruses he moved everyone to the brink of tears, and in the next to grudging grins of memory.

No one noticed him slip away.

[This message has been edited by Corvus (edited August 26, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Corvus (edited August 26, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Corvus (edited August 28, 2005).]

That all of this is happening at wake also seems very important, and perhaps it might be worth mentioning the wake in the first sentence. Perhaps not.

The following line gives me a little pause for several reasons:

quote:

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; the Resistance leaders were wise to choose music as the universal mode of therapy for the wake.

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The first reason is that I expected to a description of the percussion players, not necessarily who decided upon music.

The second reason is that a POV hasn't yet been established, so who thinks it wise? (Yoshi, probably, but since we don't learn of him until the next paragraph, this comes a bit soon, perhaps. Consider mentioning that Yoshi thinks this and that aspect is solved, in my opinion. He can then step closer to the bonfire as necessary).

The third reason that quoted part bothers me is this part: "the universal mode of therapy." Indeed, music may be therapy, but "universal mode of" feels wrong. Consider rephrasing. Additionally, people go to wakes to mourn, not receive therapy. So, perhaps something else is meant there... ?

Another issue in the following:

quote:

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Yoshishima Kazuki still had one eye on the deepening violet of the western horizon as he stepped closer to the bonfire.

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In the above, it is the "still had" that troubles me. I didn't know he had an eye out previously (which I think is what is intended by this sentence, to tell me so). Yet, it might serve to simply say that he "kept an eye" on the horizon, which in effect accomplishes the same thing but avoids the trouble I had with it.

quote:

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An inexpert guitar tugged out the best bass-line available, but Kazuki began by following it.

---

My primary issue with the above is that I don't yet know that Kazuki has a flute (or any instrument for that matter), so I'm at first confused as to how he's following a bass line. If we know beforehand that he has a flute, perhaps when he moves closer to the bonfire, then it could work.

So, really, all of my issues are essentially nitpicking on the order of information given. Nothing more than that, I suppose.

I put [[brackets]] around things that I think aren't essential to the intro.

I put {curly brackets around my comments}
= =
Percussion dominated the night: steel drums, congas, clave {this word is new to me} and anything else that could be improvised or found on the black market. The rhythm was simple, but easy to drown in; the Resistance leaders were wise to choose music as [[the universal mode of ]]therapy for the wake.

Yoshishima Kazuki [[still had one eye on the deepening violet of the western horizon as he ]] stepped closer to the bonfire. An [[inexpert]] guitar tugged out the best bass-line available, [[but]] Kazuki began by following it. His flute responded with effortless purity of tone. Inside of {it sounds unusual to me to say "inside of" regarding choruses} two choruses {wait a second, in my mind, I'm imagining some futuristic drum circle. they don't do choruses in participatory music like drum circles. There's definitely some repeated musical themes, but I don't think chorus is the word} he moved everyone to the brink of tears, and in the next {sounds wierd to say "in the next" in context of playing flute... maybe "by the next" ?!} to grudging grins of memory {somehow, "grudging grins of memory" doesn't sound right.... If I think about it, I imagine people doing that tight lipped smile, where they nod their head and think of Those Who Are Gone. But I want to get that image without having to think about it.}.

No one noticed him slip away.

In the final position it always means "island." (I don't know if the character will post, but here it is: 島.

All that to say: "Yoshishima" would be a very weird first name.

::Edited for style::

quote:

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An inexpert guitar tugged out the best bass-line available, but Kazuki began by following it. His flute responded with effortless purity of tone

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I didn't know the name was real, and I didn't mean it as a first name in the sense of a personal name. It's a surname. I (or Kazuki) constructed it: I'm actually quite surprised that someone has it. I had hoped that mentioning it would inspire curiosity as to how he got such a name. Anyway, if this stuff isn't clear and it's just gumming the works, I'll leave it out of the coming version.

EDIT: The name should mean something like "island of freedom." Can anyone tell me if this is the case?