The Braiding

Iseau had no memory of the years before her parents attempted the braiding. She remembered only the results of their failure: her father, once a master glassblower now blinded and struggling to create the simplest of pieces; her mother wandering through the thickets of their island, more a child than Iseau had ever had a chance to be.
And of the day when she was ten, standing in the doorway of the glassworks: an apprentice brushing by her on his way out to get wood for the furnace, her mother babbling as she played with a string of beads, and her father taking a pouch from his apron, opening it, and then sprinkling black powder into the crucible -- into the fierce heat of the molten glass.
“What’s that?” Iseau asked.
Her father’s blank eyes glared in the direction of her voice. “Get out of here. Run, now.”
The explosion: shards of glass, bricks pushing her into the damp grass, towers of endless flame.
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The gossip about her parents never died. But when Iseau was twenty and became the youngest master glassblower in the Venetian Republic, the whispers changed – they were about her, now, and they said that there was magic in her art. She laughed and was proud that her skill had been mistaken for something grander.

From a technical standpoint, I think your first use of colons is inappropriate. I've just learned about the National Punctuation Day site, and it has some helpful guidelines for punctuation. Click on the picture of the colon for a refresher:
http://www.nationalpunctuationday.com/index.html

Your second use of the colon is correct (followed by a list), but in the third instance you've used it in an incomplete sentence. In my opinion, the first 13 are far too early in any story to begin breaking the rules of grammar and punctuation. If it's style, wait until you are more established in the story to toss in incomplete sentences for effect.

I'm also confused by what exactly has taken place here. The dad throws a black powder into the fire and causes everything to explode. You need to bring more clarity to the action. Was it gun powder? Was he mentally ill? I realize it's difficult to convey these things in the first 13, but as it is, this lack of information weakens the opening and makes it seem disjointed. Instead of holding back with information like a tease, you should stick this kind of information in our noses. It will be a much more powerful scene if you do, and when you are trying to hook someone you need it to be stronger, rather than dilute it by holding back information.

Iseau doesn't seem to show enough...not just grief, but confusion. I think that she could laugh about rumors that her art contained magic, but beyond that she would be glad that her parents' fate was no longer the topic. This opening doesn't quite express that feeling.

As for the opening, it surely piqued my interest, though, like some others have mentioned, I think you need to clarify it more--perhaps returning to this scene as the story progresses to fill in more details. Obviously the father threw explosive powder into the glass for some reason that has to to with "the braiding", and it seems that something went horribly wrong. But what was supposed to happen? That's what I want to know. At any rate, it seems like a good story thus far.

quote:

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Storygiver, Squimi, Simon and Survivor, I will send the story out to all of you this evening when I get home from work.
Silver, you should have it.

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There's problems with the flow and the clarity. Some of the earlier posts said they had a hard time figuring out what was going on. And I think it's because of the wording.

These bits stood out as particularly needing editing. Maybe it's to do with colons, or grammar. I'm not sure how exactly to fix, just that these bits don't read right...

once a master glassblower now blinded and struggling to create the simplest of pieces
-> once a master glassblower, always a master glassblower? Or have his abilities vanished along with his eyesight? Maybe better just to say something regarding Sightless Eyes of a Once Proud Glassblower. The stuggling after being blind almost seems redundant.

more a child than Iseau had ever had a chance to be
-> clunky and kind of redundant. better way to say she's lost her mind than this. Plus there's a pouty overtone that's a bit out of place in an intro. Maybe saying "mother aimlessly wandering" or similar adjective that connotes losing one's marbles... hmm... the "mother babbling as she played with a string of beads" makes the next snetence too long. I think using this phrase instead of the one about wandering through thickets gets the point across more powerfully.

And of the day when she was ten
-> was this something the has no memory of? Or is this what she does remember. It's unclear.

an apprentice brushing by her on his way out to get wood for the furnace
-> let me guess, you're trying to show he's leaving the area, so you want to include he's going out. but is it necessary? Is a father going to wait for an apprentice to leave, to throw black powder, but not see if anyone else, like his daughter, is around? On other hand, if this is her memory, then she probably wouldn't remember the reasons the apprentice brushed past, just that it happened.

The time gap between Iseau watching black powser sprinkled in the crucible, being able to ask about it, hear a response, and then have an explosion sounds a bit contrived.

The "realism" of a father not checking to see if his daughter out of the area before doing so.

The "realism" of a master glassblower doing something to harm himself and/or his wife, that causes a big explosion, but he and his wife both survive. What kind of medical facilities enable someone to survive ground zero from a shower of molten glass, towers of flames, bricks, etc...

... oooh. maybe they don't survive. Was this what blinded the father, or does "blank eyes" mean he's already blind? Hmmm... more things to clarify if that's the case... I read this as if the parents survive this explosion.

But when Iseau was twenty and became the youngest master glassblower in the Venetian Republic
-> the "But" seems redundant. Her age could be mentioned later. Too many ideas per sentence. "When Iseau became the youngest master glassblower in the Venetian Republic" is tighter.

Sorry to focus on all the critiques, I'm only doing so because there's something very compelling about the story. I think generally, it's good to stick to one idea for sentence, and let the explanations/rationales/ side details get added in as new sentences if it turns out they are necessary.

And anyway, T does come after S. Though the "Tch" is actually a (common) further anglicisation of one of the slavic "c" letters...

By the way - my understanding was that when the father was putting black powder in the furnace, he was blind, and was doing it as a bizarre form of suicide. I presumed he hadn't realised Iseau was there because of his blindness. I also presumed there would be more about this further into the story...

I thought the story effectively gave us a child's eye view of the spell Iseau's parents were casting, rather than redacting it through adult eyes. That's very tricky to achieve.

I didn't feel that I didn't understand what was going on, and I don't agree that everything should be explained up front. Reader curiosity about what her parents were doing and what it was meant to achieve is what will keep them reading.

These are some of the elements which have contributed to my confusion.

Keeping in mind this was defined as "fantasy" up front. That immediately puts me in the mind-set of "alternate world."

quote:

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Anything set in Venice piques my interest.

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I would not automatically assume that the term "Venetian Republic" means it's in Venice, Italy. Remember, this is fantasy, so as a reader I'm holding off my judgement that this may be an alternate version of Venice.

quote:

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sprinkling black powder into the crucible

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While I make the assumption this MAY be gunpowder, I --again, knowing the genre-- am not sure. The milieu has not yet been clarified enough for me to make that assumption.

quote:

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Her father’s blank eyes glared in the direction of her voice. “Get out of here. Run, now.”

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My question here is: why in the world would her father sprinkle gunpowder if he knew it would create that sort of uncontained explosion? That implies he is suicidal, stupid, or that something I don't yet have enough information about is going on. He may not have known the daughter stood there, but since the mother was babbling about her beads, surely he was aware his wife was present.

frogcat made the comment:

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once a master glassblower, always a master glassblower? Or have his abilities vanished along with his eyesight?

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I'm not a glassblower, but I do love the artform. And yes, your abilities DO disappear with loss of eyesight. Binocular vision is critical to blowing glass. Take as an example the master MASTER glassblower, Dale Chihuly. His work is simply incredible. Chihuly lost the sight in one eye years ago, and since then he has had to take a supervisory role in his glass foundaries, coaching his subordinate artisans to produce the fantastical glass works he is so reknowned for. To view his stuff: http://www.chihuly.com/

[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited August 25, 2005).]

quote:

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Iseau had no memory of the years before her parents attempted the braiding. She remembered only the results of their failure: her father, once a master glassblower now blinded and struggling to create the simplest of pieces; her mother wandering through the thickets of their island, more a child than Iseau had ever had a chance to be.

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This tells me: 1) Iseau's memories only started at this event, 2) use of present tense implies the father is still alive when you say he is "now blinded and struggling" and 3) the fact that he is blinded provides a tie to the event of the explosion.

As an opening paragraph, I'm using this as the anchor for what I believe is happening. Nothing you said in the following paragraphs indicated they had died. My assumption was that some experiment with the glass went horribly wrong and the father, at least, lived but had been severely injured (blinded and probably burned).

I might add, however, that once this confusion is cleared up I still think you have a very strong opener. It's an intriguing premise and one that hooks me.